usually, when i'm at kayak's, i'm in a state of quiet desperation. today i'm there, but i'm filled with hope. i'm only here because it's the closest coffeeshop, and i didn't feel like being at home or at school.
i'm filled with hope because i've made one concrete step toward what i was swearing i would do...a concrete step toward reclaiming myself. i had my tryout for the wash u concert choir today. the great news is that the choir director really wants me in the choir! (apparently i still sang well, even though i'm still really hoarse from that cold i've had for the last week.) the disappointment is, i can't join the choir until next semester. the choir practices from 4:15-6 on tuesdays and thursdays, and my clinic meets at the public defender's office from 3:30-5:30 on tuesdays. as much as i really, really want to join the choir, i can't drop my clinic. my clinic is one of the reasons i'm here, and my clinic is something i've been dying to do since i got here. but, i'm going to sing in that choir next year, and make sure that i have the practice times free. that won't be as hard; since i won't be in a clinic, i'll be able to work around it far easier. next year, it will happen.
but, i'm not going to be a stranger to music. i'm signing up to take private voice lessons next semester. even though i'm going to have an extremely busy semester no matter what, i think they'll be really, really good for me. they'll be an outlet that has nothing to do with the law. i've never taken private lessons before, and it's something that i've always wanted to do. the choral director referred me to another professor to be my voice teacher, and we'll arrange a time to meet every week. i'm so excited about this it's not even funny. it's something i really need...my serious musical existence has hovered somewhere between "languishing" and "nonexistent" since fairly early in college, and i can't give it up. i need to reclaim it. and...i will.