Friday, December 08, 2006

one little, two little, three little vignettes...

the dangers of self-scheduled finals

i decided that the antitrust final was not going to happen today. that means i have three finals next week. this is why self-scheduled finals are absolutely dangerous. at least as a 1L, they made you space the finals out. you knew when you had to take each one, and could plan your studying accordingly. you had rigid deadlines.

with self-scheduled finals, that structure is all gone...leading to stuff like allowing your friend to convince you that you reeeeeeeally want to stay out of town until wednesday of the first week of finals, instead of leaving on monday, because singing karaoke is that much fun.

you come back wednesday night, you swear you're going to study on thursday and take that first final on friday, and then you end up studying for about forty-five minutes and then proceeding to spend the rest of the day puttering around on the internet and then going out to sing even more karaoke despite the fact that your throat hurts and you can't croak out a song any more challenging than "name" by the goo goo dolls.

and then, you swear you're going to study on friday for that final that's been pushed back to monday, but instead you sit around at coffee on the loop surfing the internet some more, reading blogs and talking on instant messenger.

because that's not a narrative of my week. not at all. no way.

picking up the pieces

as has been pretty obvious to anyone who knows me in real life, or has been following this blog's barely-coherent rantings, this semester has been kind of a loss. i won the war by landing that job for the summer, but i keep losing battle after battle after battle. i've been almost completely unable to stay on top of my classes because of thing after thing going on in my personal life. my grades this semester are going to be terrible; i'm prepared for that. the semester has been marked by disappointment, stress, and tough decisions.

next semester is going to be different. next semester, i'm not going to spend so much time on the couch doing absolutely nothing. i'm not going to spend so much time disconnected from everything that's real, and i'm going to actually follow through on the things that i start...something that i've found impossible to do this semester. i feel like i took the first little step toward getting everything together last week on tuesday and wednesday, when i cleaned up my apartment and finally, properly, moved into my apartment that i've "lived in" since july. but, i have to do more. i need to figure out specific things that will make me happy, and work on them, and finally get some much-needed balance and sanity in my life. i haven't decided exactly what that will be, but i will know soon. i'm spending winter break here in st. louis, and i'm planning on spending a lot of time alone, doing some serious soul-searching. it's something i haven't done for a long time...i've been on autopilot with my life for longer than i can remember, and it's time to stop doing that. it's time to focus on a purpose, focus on two or three things that will really make me happy, and just throw caution to the wind and do them.

something to prove

next semester, i may just have something to prove. i got an email from professor koby yesterday, asking if i would be willing to be on a bye-buster team at a trial tournament that wash u is hosting, if there are an odd number of teams registered for the tournament.

you better believe i'm willing to be on a bye-buster team. i am praying there will be an odd number of teams registered for this tournament, so i can do this. it will give me a case to work on, it will give me a chance to work on mock trial again. it will also give me a goal to shoot for--i want to kick ass and take names as a bye-buster. i want to have a better record as the bye-buster than one, if not both, of the real trial teams that wash u has competing there. it'll be hard, since this is NTC, and the judge sends his four best trial team people as competitors in this tournament. but, i have something to prove. i've had something to prove ever since mid-september, when i didn't make the trial team. if i do, in fact, get to do this bye-buster thing, it will be my chance to prove to myself, and to everyone else, that i can succeed at trial at the law school level.

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