Saturday, May 13, 2006

goal for the summer? pull the shambles that pass as my life back together.

i feel like i've been slipping back to the old me, the right-after-college me, the apathetic me. the world is sort of prancing along around me, without me, and i sit here twiddling my thumbs and waiting for lightning to strike. it's not striking, and i need to make it strike.

maybe my job this summer will help me do that; putting myself on a regular schedule is good at forcing me to care. classes aren't regular enough...when i had classes and trial both going simultaneously, that was, but when trial team ended i just fell apart. i lost it again.

maybe when my grades come out, that will help me pull myself together again. they're going to be low, extremely low, because for all the caring and hard work i put in last semester, i successfully threw it all away this semester...and that's too bad. i should not have let myself do that, but i did.

and now i'm reduced again to staring out into space. i want to write creatively again, because it makes me feel grounded, but i'm afraid that what i write is going to be bad, or just not profound enough that anyone's going to care. i'd say i'm turning into stephen dedalus, in his dilemma, but that would imply that there's something Greater about how stuck i'm feeling. there's not.

so, basically, i need to reconcile my insignificance with my need to get off my tail and do something about my life. it's quite the impossible task.

No comments: