i'm cheating on you.
yes, i know i promised you all that alone time with me. i know i promised to take you to bed with me, to sit on the couch with you, to take you out on the town with me, to all the finest coffee shops, hole-in-the-wall chow spots, and libraries the central west end has to offer. i know i promised to be faithful, because you and you alone could save me from failing out of law school.
but, i'm cheating on you. with carl**.
face it, erwin. you're boring. you're dull. you don't regale me with stories of stupid floridians and their capers. if i were to lie in bed with you, i'd fall asleep before you told me anything interesting, anything that captivated my mind or my imagination. but carl...carl can do that. carl can keep me up all night, giggling at his crazy caricatures and his preposterous similes.
i hope you're not too mad at me...i'll admit, i'm a user. i'll still take you out with me today and tomorrow, because i need to use you for your constitutional enlightenment. but, the minute i get home, the minute i lie down in bed, it's carl i'm taking and not you. my heart, and my sanity, demand it.
*chemerinsky, for all you sane folk who are not up on the latest and greatest conlaw hornbook writers
**hiaasen, for all you poor, uneducated folk who have not seen the light of his hilarious words.