Monday, February 28, 2005

i had a job interview at leona's today, and i have a second one on wednesday. if that goes well, which i'm sure it will, i should be employed there really soon...and get lots of hours because they're supershort on waitstaff.

i'll get more hours and more money at this than if i decided to keep pursuing that tutoring job...and this job is also right across crack dealer alley from my apartment. being able to leave work and crawl right into bed will be a good thing. here's hoping this leona's job pans out, because finally having some money again will be a good, good thing.

wish me luck.
these case changes are silly. they're not silly in the good way, but rather the "this is absurd and i have to deal with this absurdity and make sense out of it" kind of way.

i can make conversation such as "whoever thought emile chadman was a good idea for a witness needs to die." emile chadman is the worst witness ever, as everything in his affidavit is either improper opinion or hearsay.

oh well. at least they're conversation fodder. i'm way too obsessed with mock.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

GRRRRRRR!!!!! wash u is having their admitted students day. i'd like to go to it...but it's not gonna happen. that's right...it conflicts with silver flight.

i wish they were different weekends. missing admitted students day will suck.
i'm definitely feeling better today...after bawling my eyes out when i got home, having the dreaded talk with my relatives (it had been a month and a half since speaking to any of them...yet yesterday was painless compared to what i feared, there was no yelling!), and going out downtown with some of my friends for sushi, i'm feeling like myself again. that crying my eyes out yesterday afternoon...it was a catharsis. catharsis is good. i'm feeling a lot happier, more together, and more motivated to not be a bad person.

yesterday afternoon also yielded the amusement of sitting around and watching one of my roomies do funny searches on monster.com. he searched for "baseball", and apparently the carolina mudcats are looking for a public relations guy-slash-radio play-by-play announcer. i'd love to see him get that job. that would be absolutely amazing...and i'd actually go to north carolina to watch mudcats games and see him announce. that would be sweet if he could announce for the baseball team i grew up watching.

(side note: i was trying to type "monster.com" in that previous paragraph, and my fingers instinctively typed "mockers.com". yay freudian computer slips...)

nsit email is down today: that sucks. lots and lots. i want to check my email, but i can't. oh well, at least the one electronic thing that could be worse than that is not happening--perjuries.com is alive and well.

i went to hyde park records today to sell some of my cd's that i hadn't listened to in years. i walked in, and the guys behind the counter start ribbing me, asking me if i was bringing in any sarah maclachlan or james taylor or crap like that. then, they looked at the stuff i was turning in, and told me they were wrong about me, that the cd's i brought in were actually cool. i heart the guys at hyde park records...i've only been in that store a couple times, but every time i've gone in there, it's made for fun, goofy conversation and silly times. the first time i ever went in there, a couple months ago, the two guys were arguing about michael jackson and what his rightful place in music history was. they pulled me into the fray although i was some random person perusing the rock discs. they then proceeded to play billie jean on repeat several times (off of a vinyl record, of course...), because that was the only michael jackson song that the one guy who was trashing him could stand.

alright...done blogging, off to read everyone elses blogs. ::hugs all around::

Friday, February 25, 2005

why do i even bother? i'm a failure.

i'm a complacent, incompetent shell of a human being.

i don't know why or how anyone puts up with me.

think of the worst person you've ever met or heard of.

i'm worse.
i had the weirdest dream last night. it wasn't disturbing like the vast majority of my recent dreams, but it was just goofy. i don't have a perfect recollection of it, but i have scenes.

i was called for jury duty for a very high-profile murder case. i was theoretically living in chicago, with all my friends here, but the house i was living in was my house in north carolina, the one in which i grew up. i had found out on sunday, with a piece of mail, that i was being called in on monday. we (me and a couple of my friends) had to get a few things ready monday morning before being picked up for jury duty...although those things weren't normal things, they included this large, twelve-person boat (ostensibly to hold a jury...) that we had to put together and rig up to these chains to be towed downtown. finally we got the boat together, and this pepsi truck came to pick us up and tow the boat downtown.

for some reason, some of my friends rode in the pepsi truck, whereas i was in the carload in another car. we waited for the pepsi truck to drive away to jury duty, and then we drove downtown. we get out of the car and go into this nondescript civic centre-type building, and find the jury rooms. there were lots of people milling around, and sign-up sheets all over the place. they weren't normak sign-up sheets, though...they were sheets where we had to write down all of our legal experience, our college speaking/mock trial experience, and our high school speaking/mock trial experience. that's the last part of the dream i remember, milling about in the jury room, writing down all of my college mock trial experience, making it look as good as possible so i would be picked for the jury for this fascinating case.

that was weird.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

i'm really not very good at my job if i haven't had coffee. this is the first day since i can remember that i've gone to work without drinking coffee, and it sucks. a lot. i'm a lot more sleepy than i am if i've had my cup or two of coffee. i've never dropped cards down under the shelves into the sub-basement before...today i've done that twice. i guess it's not that coffee has no effect on me...it's just that a couple cups of coffee don't make me jittery--they allow me to funtion.

yeah...first thing i do when i get back to d'angelo, i'm going up to the staff lounge to get a cup of coffee.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

excuse my meme...i know i usually avoid these things, but sometimes, when i'm really really bored, i can't. this is done with my old lj name...

If I were God over LiveJournal... by shinikami
Username
Jesus would bemega_tsunami
The four archangels would bezie_verse
andfoofy_attorney
andnaiatlc
andcce6
The Blessed Virgin would bewindofderange
Satan would bepanicgirl63
The antichrist would bemija72013
And YOU would beAn angel
Quiz created with MemeGen!
i'm having a bullet-point kind of morning...

--spending the last two days doing nothing was not good for my self-esteem. i didn't feel up for doing anything, but all i did over the course of the two days was get more and more sluggish, and more and more down on myself for being a worthless bump on a long. even getting up to barcode books this morning has made me feel accomplished.

--i need a different job. barcoding is really boring. i need something to keep me amused, or at least keep me from feeling sorry for myself, full-time. although, i also need something that won't desperately want me to stay in town for the long haul, as my time here in chicago is winding to an end.

--i wish law school were starting tomorrow. it would give me something to do, and something to feel good about.

--i hate when good bands break up. i found out yesterday that the blank theory broke up, and so did no particular night...or mourning. add to that reforma, ratbag hero, and dysception all breaking up over the last couple of months, and that makes me really, really sad. oh well...madina lake, the new band with matt and nathan from the blank theory, and mateo and dan from reforma, had better be good. all four of those guys are really cool, i know them all...but i'll be really, really sad if madina lake isn't on the level of tbt or reforma.

Monday, February 21, 2005

what a weekend.

two years ago my team, team north, went to joliet. it was a heartbreak. the judging was less than competent, and despite bringing our a-game, we got hosed. we got no bid. that year another squad, team east, did not get hosed. they brought it, they took down six and a half ballots, and they went to gold. there was a silver lining that year.

this year, we sent four squads to joliet. we brought it. and, again, the judging was less than competent. we dropped so many ballots we shouldn't have, so many ballots we didn't deserve to. as a coach, it was nerve-wracking. there was nothing i could do but watch the teams, encourage them, and tell them small things they could fix in the next round. most of the rounds i personally watched actually ended up alright...i saw war's first round against ISU, pestilence's second against St. Francis, and death's fourth against St. Ambrose.

but, i also saw famine's third against St. Ambrose, and there was little i could do not to cry. they did pretty much everything they had learned to do. they were so good. famine's kissner made me teary-eyed. their rebuttal was the best i'd ever seen their closer do. the other team, on the other hand, had witnesses with so much less character than ours, and were making objections that didn't exist.

after the round, one of the judges was a stock "oh, you all did such a good job..." guys, and then the presiding judge made it really clear that for her, style, subjective style, was substance. she ate up the other team's hand gestures for dinner, and thought our speakers moved around too much. no, they didn't move too much. they took a few steps when they were shifting major points. that was it. they did what i've been coaching them to do for months, and the judge slammed them for it. they dropped two ballots that round. by all rights, they should have dropped none.

and stuff like that happened, all weekend, for all four of our teams.

but, there was a silver lining this year, too. we did get two bids to silver flight, in kentucky, next month. team pestilence, when they found out they went 6-2, was so excited, so cute, so adorable. i love team pestilence. i gave them all hugs at the awards ceremony, and i want to give them all more hugs. team death is pulling together, changing flight reservations for spring break to go to kentucky. we've got a meeting tomorrow to figure out who's going to be on each team for that weekend, who's going to fill the spots of people who can't change their spring break flights or their friday finals. our team is pulling together, and our season is not over yet.

Friday, February 18, 2005

so, it's off to regionals in just a few minutes...yay joliet.

our teams shall kick lots of butt, and it will be lots of fun. :)

i'm a mock addict. i really am.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

this is just weird.

and a father buying the panties for his daughter?

eewwww.

Clothing Designer Hopes To Defy Adage 'Sex Sells'

LAS VEGAS -- Yvette Thomas hopes to defy the adage "Sex Sells."

She's showing her line of no-sex wear at an apparel industry trade show in Las Vegas. Thomas' T-shirts and panties have abstinence slogans like "Virginity Lane: Exit When Married" and "No vows, No sex."

You might think that a message of wait-until-marriage would be a tough sell in Sin City. But Thomas said a number of people have told her they like her message.

She said when she launched her company five years ago, the first pair of panties she sold was to a father buying them for his teenage daughter.
feeling a little better this morning...amazing what the combination of waking up on the wrong side of the bed and not having any sort of face-to-face human contact (or even a phone conversation) until 6pm will do to you. human contact enriches life, and it's a heck of a distraction from a bad day.

mock trial went alright last night. regionals are this weekend, and i think i'm more nervous about them now as a coach than i ever was as a mocker. as a mocker, i was responsible for the fate of one team, my own. as a coach, i'm responsible for the fate of four teams--all the ones i coach. not only am i responsible for four teams, i know for a fact that two of them are going to be disappointed by the end of the weekend, since the rules only allow two squads from any given school to go to a national. if we don't get two bids (two gold bids, really...), there will be more disappointment than that. we're starting to get it together...part of me wants regionals to be done now, today, so i know how they go, but part of me is beginning to think an extra few weeks of practice would be great to iron out the little flaws that exist in all our teams' cases.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

"giving in"
by adema

will you walk me to the edge again
shaking, lonely and i am drinking again
woke up tonight and no one's here with me
i'm giving in to you

take me under
i'm giving in to you
i'm dying tonight
i'm giving in to you
watch me crumble
i'm giving in to you
i'm crying tonight
i'm giving in to you

caught up in life
losing all my friends
family has tried to heal all my addictions
tragic it seems to be alone again
i'm giving in to you

take me under
i'm giving in to you
i'm dying tonight
i'm giving in to you
watch me crumble
i'm giving in to you
i'm crying tonight
i'm giving in to you

oh fuck

i look forward to dying tonight
drink 'til i'm myself
life's harder every day
the stress has got me
i'm giving in
giving
giving in
no

take me under
(i'm killing all the pain)
i'm dying tonight
(i'm sick of all this pain)
watch me crumble
(i'm killing all the pain)
i'm crying tonight

i'm giving in to you
take me under
i'm giving in to you
i'm dying tonight
i'm giving in to you
watch me crumble
i'm giving in to you
i'm crying tonight
i'm giving in to you
take me under
i'm giving in to you
i'm dying tonight
i'm giving in to you
i feel stuck, and the more time goes on, the more stuck i feel. i just got into law school last week, which is a step in the right direction, but even so--that won't start until august. what do i do with myself between now and then? what do i even want to do with myself between now and then? does that even matter? i'm really starting to conclude that it doesn't, which is making life often less than happy. i've been an insignificant speck, oscillating between meaning nothing to the world and dragging it down, for almost a year now...and i'm stuck being such a speck for another seven months, guaranteed. this makes me feel horrible about myself, and horrible about everything. i'm sick of being insignificant, and not working toward anything significant...and now that i have something significant in my future, i can't dive right into it. and now, i get to spend the next seven months of my life continuing to go nowhere, do nothing, and hate myself.

wow. how exciting.
alright...only one person wanted to do my guess-the-lyric last week. that makes me sad. but, for anyone who was just stumped on all of them...here are the answers:

1. "thank you for the venom" by my chemical romance

preach all you want but who's gonna save me
i keep a gun on the book you gave me
hallelujah lock and load

2. "back 2 good" by matchbox20

everyone here hides
shades of shame
yeah but looking inside we're the same
we're the same

3. "zombie" by the cranberries

it's the same old theme since nineteen sixteen.
in your head
in your head they're still fighting
with their tanks and their bombs
and their bombs and their guns
in your head
in your head they are dying

4. "change your mind" by sister hazel

if you wanna be somebody else
if you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
if you wanna be somebody else
change your mind

5. "the way you like it" by adema

if you can see right through the greed and all your needs
you'll realise that you are just about as bad as me

6. "happier" by guster

they were too weak
too prone to break
their needs too deep
their skin too think
by now you took what was to take
tear it apart and start again

7. "home" by three days grace

by the time you come home i'm already stoned
you turn off the tv and you scream at me
i can hardly wait 'til you get off my case

8. "condenser" by finger eleven

felt the best that i could feel
censored every memory
give me yours so i can feed mine

9. "shame" by stabbing westward

i only see myself reflected in your eyes
so all that i believe i am essentially are lies
and everything i've hoped to be or ever thought i was
died with your belief in me so who the hell am i

10. "anywhere but here" by rise against

without a dime to my name
or a prayer in the world
i walk out the door.

Monday, February 14, 2005

i've been posting on perjuries, reading tab summaries, and surfing the web all afternoon. i'm one lazy, lazy bum.
part of an IM conversation between me and my boyfriend...

me: i stuck a newspaper in the door to stop it from locking me out, but the newspaper was too thin
him: a commentary on society or simply a case of an insufficient doorstop, we report, you decide :-)

he amuses me. a lot. :)

Sunday, February 13, 2005

i taste perfume
it burns my throat
and i am free of envelope
squeeze an instant out of me...

Saturday, February 12, 2005

princeton review cancelled on me yesterday, so no training today. that's frustrating, but at least it meant i got to sleep in last night for the first time all week. that's at least good, because i don't think i caught up on sleep from that bus ride until today.

instead, i stayed up playing boardgames with my friends, and then slept in until 10 this morning. that was just plain awesome. today, i have a one-on-one workshop with one of the mockers, and then i don't know what i'm doing tonight. maybe dinner, maybe not, i really don't know. i want to meet someone and do something. still, tomorrow's the huge mock trial day...we have scrimmages, and then i have at least three one-on-one meetings after the scrimmages.

yep, it's the weekend before regionals.

Friday, February 11, 2005

i'm having a song lyrics kind of day, so i'm going to bring you...Guess The Song Lyrics, Alone With All My Wrongs Style, Part Deux!

1. preach all you want but who's gonna save me
i keep a gun on the book you gave me
hallelujah lock and load

2. everyone here hides
shades of shame
yeah but looking inside we're the same
we're the same

3. it's the same old theme since nineteen sixteen.
in your head
in your head they're still fighting
with their tanks and their bombs
and their bombs and their guns
in your head
in your head they are dying

4. if you wanna be somebody else
if you're tired of fighting battles with yourself
if you wanna be somebody else
change your mind

5. if you can see right through the greed and all your needs
you'll realise that you are just about as bad as me

6. they were too weak
too prone to break
their needs too deep
their skin too think
by now you took what was to take
tear it apart and start again

7. by the time you come home i'm already stoned
you turn off the tv and you scream at me
i can hardly wait 'til you get off my case

8. felt the best that i could feel
censored every memory
give me yours so i can feed mine

9. i only see myself reflected in your eyes
so all that i believe i am essentially are lies
and everything i've hoped to be or ever thought i was
died with your belief in me so who the hell am i

10. without a dime to my name
or a prayer in the world
i walk out the door.

happy guessing!!! this one's a lot easier than my last one, i think.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

i hate valentine's day.

when i was single and younger, and i didn't realise how much fun being single could be, it was a day for a pity party, a day for misanthropy, a day to hate the fact that everyone was paired off into smarmy old couples and celebrating that fact.

when i was single and older, and had realised that being single could be a heck of a lot of fun, i resented it because it had bullied me around in earlier days, and was continuing to ostracise other singles who weren't as confident in their singlehood.

when i was taken (and am, as the case may be), it just seems silly. not only do the same hatreds of it from my older singlehood still exist, it's just...i don't see the point in setting aside a special day to celebrate love, or do something sweet for your lover. i mean, shouldn't you always be showing them love? isn't it better to just come up with random, sweet things to do under your own volition? special, out of the ordinary demonstrations of love are definitely fun, i'm not railing against that at all. what i am against is a day that makes so many single people feel bad about themselves, and people in couples feel massive obligation to do on one day, in very specific ways (flowers, candy, swanky dinners out...) what they should want to do often, in special and unique ways...show love for and appreciation of their lover.
i got the weirdest piece of spam today. all it said was:

Call out Gouranga be happy!!!
Gouranga Gouranga Gouranga ....
That which brings the highest happiness!!


it was so weird i ended up googling it. the fake sender was "nitaigouranga@aol.com"...and apparently nitai-gouranga is some divine incarnation for the hare krishna in scotland. apparently some people in england and scotland paint "gouranga" on overpasses to get motorists' attention, and apparently the phrase "gouranga" or "gouranga! be happy!" has some importance in grand theft auto 1 and 2 as well. anyways...that piece of spam was so strange, and it didn't try to sell me anything...so i had to look it up and find out what in the world it was talking about.

yay for Scottish Hare Krishna Spam.
i finally crashed last night. about 1:30 am, i was on the phone with my boyfriend...and even the adrenaline rush of getting into law school was not enough to cancel out how late it was, and how little i had slept on the bus back to chicago the previous night. i passed out, slept like a rock...and almost missed work. i woke up sometime between 8:20 and 8:30...my alarm should have been set for 8:01 like it always is, but i just didn't do it before i went to sleep. good news was, i had enough time to get ready and make it to work on time. that's lucky, because i have to work full days tuesday through friday this week to make up for being away last week.

and, i don't even get to sleep in on saturday. i have my training for the princeton review job from 9-5 on saturday. that means i have to get up even earlier, because i have to be at the corner of diversey and sheffield by 9am. it's right off the brown line, not hard to get to, but it means i have to wait for the 6, take it downtown, then wait for the brown line at adams and wabash, and take it up to lincoln park. i'm going to be so tired, so beat, by 5pm on saturday that it's not going to be funny, since i'll really have no time this week to recover from not really sleeping monday night.

actually, i won't have any time to recover from anything between now and mock trial regionals, which is the weekend after this one. sunday i have mock trial practice, and then next week i have my library job, i have to organize what i'm doing for my teachback at princeton review, give my teachback on wednesday (another early morning, my teachback is from 9-1)...and then there's mock trial practice tuesday and thursday evenings, with probably a lot of meetings with mockers interspersed with everything else. really, if all i had to do was the mock trial stuff, i'd be a lot happier...i really wish coaching mock trial was my paying job. i love it.
i have spent this evening posting on perjuries, and responding to my roommates' posts on perjuries. this is insanity...but the most delicious kind of it...especially after two beers.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

...and in my squeaking glee, i forgot to note that yes, i am in fact back in chicago. i got in last night...which meant it was back to work today (boo), but between the happy news and the caffeine i'm drinking, i should be able to make it through mock trial practice today.

now back to pretending to work, but really just wanting to jump and squeak and do backflips because i got into wash u law school!! hooray!! :) :) :)
who got into wash u today?

that's right, me.

i rock.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

...i'm still in st. louis. i was going to go home saturday, but my boyfriend's roommate is gone, and i was not going to leave him home alone just a couple days after his operation. i'm going back to chicago tomorrow, though... i'm looking forward to seeing my friends again, but i'm really not looking forward to leaving my boyfriend. i know i have a life in chicago, stuff i need to take care of, that i've been ignoring for an entire week...but i've had him beside me for an entire week, and it's been amazing. i don't want to give that up. it makes me sad that i have to, for now.

at least he seems to be doing better, though. he should be able to go back to class tomorrow, for the first time in two weeks. poor guy, he's going to be so behind in his classes...i wish there was something i could do about that. :( i wish there was more i could have done about anything, this past week...but i've been doing what i can.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

...i'm not dead, but i'm also not back in chicago yet from dubuque. i went straight from dubuque to st. louis, to visit my boyfriend. he was in the hospital for a day over the weekend, so i've been with him since saturday night. he's been out of the hospital since saturday, thank goodness, but it's still been a mess of doctor's appointments and him generally not feeling good. i'm just glad to be here, to help him feel better. i still don't know when i'm going to be back in chicago...princeton review had to reschedule my training, but that's not until sunday. so...i have a really funny feeling i won't be in chicago until much later in the week, friday or saturday. i don't know. we'll see.