Tuesday, September 20, 2005

what a long week, what a long day.

i got to school around 8:30, as usual...and i don't actually get to leave until 10pm. today is one of those days where i have a bunch of classes and meetings, each of which are separated by a period of an hour or two...so i don't have long enough between each to go home during any of the breaks, but i spend way too much of my time not actually in class or a meeting. at least i've been using that to my advantage; i have my torts done for tomorrow, and i have about ten of the twenty-five pages i must read for contracts tomorrow taken care of. hopefully i will get that all done while i'm still at school, so i don't have to go home and keep studying.

the longer i'm in law school, the more i realise that i feel like i'm back in high school. in high school, i spent all my free time with my nose in a book. ditto for law school. granted, it was always reading for pleasure in high school because i was awkward and antisocial...but the fact that my nose is always in my books is making me feel awkward and antisocial all over again. this time, though, it's out of a profound sense of necessity and paranoia. if i let myself get behind, the professor is going to make me look like a fool. the professor is going to mark my grade down. i am going to fail the midterm. i am going to fail the final. my law school grades are going to be poor. i am not going to get a good summer job. i am going to slip into academic apathy similar to that i felt in college. i am not going to get a good real job. i am going to be a failure. if i don't do my reading every night, the consequences are real-life consequences.

i don't have the room to be young and stupid anymore. that scares me, it makes me a little sad, but it drives me...i feel so stupid and slow compared to all of these other people, my classmates who don't spend all their time hunched over a book and still manage to not look like morons when the professor calls on them, who still manage to not feel like morons every single day. i feel like i need to make up for being the slow one, the stupid one, the one who can't assimilate the concepts and put them together as quickly or efficiently or well as anyone else in my class.

in short, i can get my work done, have a life, or sleep...and i can pick two of the three. i can't get my work done unless i sleep, so that decision has been made for me. if this mindset makes me a gunner, so be it.

i'm a bloody gunner.

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