Thursday, April 29, 2004

"chasing daydreams"
by shades apart

watch the night sky at my window
while the world is fast asleep
i stare into the unknown
i will have no fear as long as you're with me
as you're with me

i will catch your fall
i'll keep the world away
chasing after daydreams
i am unafraid
catch me if i fall
in your arms i'm safe
chasing after daydreams

world gone mad outside my window
try to buy a higher life
i won't need another thing
i will go on dreaming if you stay with me
you stay with me

i will catch your fall
i'll keep the world away
chasing after daydreams
i am unafraid
catch me if i fall
in your arms i'm safe
chasing after daydreams

let them tell secrets about us
jaded words don't mean a thing
we are just beginning
there's no limit we will go on chasing dreams
on chasing dreams

i will catch your fall
i'll keep the world away
chasing after daydreams
i am unafraid
catch me if i fall
in your arms i'm safe
chasing after daydreams

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

a month ago, i knew everything then. i knew that i needed to be single, crazy, unattached to anyone or anything. i knew that love was something that wasn't for me, that wasn't practical, that maybe i'd resort to when i was twenty-seven or thirty or thirty-five and ready to settle down, when i grew older and began to hate my life, or at least grow used to not being young anymore. i didn't need commitment. i needed to be a selfish bitch, and enjoy every minute of it.

now, i still know everything. i know things can change. i wasn't wrong at all a month ago...that was my state of mind, and it was a good state of mind. i was enjoying it a great deal, and it's all about being in a state you enjoy. i enjoy my state now, too. it's perfect for me...despite the fact that it's completely different than before, the fact that there is now a person who makes me see stars, who makes my heart jump, who is the only person i have any semblance of an eye for right now, who i actually feel close to physically and emotionally. in short...a person i love.

still, i don't think i'd be here unless i had been there, and unless i had been wholeheartedly enjoying being there. i'm of the school that you can't look for a relationship, that you can't just pine for one and be sad that you don't have one. you have to be happy where you are. if you aren't enjoying being single, and happy with where your life is, then you're probably not going to fall in love--you're going to fall into something that you regret, into something that you resent. there's a difference between something that happens because it's comfortable and right, and something that happens because one of the parties is so desperate for it to go somewhere, is so desperate for anything but being alone...the latter is amazing and surprising and full of the wonder that makes being alive such an engaging thing, whereas the latter is just...sad.

maybe i'm just having a stroke of sappy, sappy optimism right now...an overly bright outlook on life. but, i really don't see the point of anything but that right now, since i'm just content. i know there's more i want to say about this, more points i want to make, but i have to be getting back to work now. some comments my friends have been making recently (since i've been home from kansas...) about how uncharacteristic these last three weeks or so have been for me have just been making me ponder all of this a lot over the last few days, and i really don't know if there's much fruit in pondering or making any more sense of it than i've just made...it's life taking its course, and it's nicolle being secure in being nicolle.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

4pm.

i'm off of work.

to think i was considering not even coming in today...instead, i just came in at 7:30am, although i usually come in at 9. it made sense, given that i woke up this morning at 4am, on the bus an hour out of chicago. i couldn't sleep that last hour on the bus, and i didn't feel tired when i finally got home around 6:15. so, i just came to work...and it felt like the shortest day ever. i doubt i'll get into the habit of coming in this early, since i'm sure most of my good humour comes not from having come into work early and gotten off early, but from the fact that i had such an amazing weekend. but, i'll take whatever happiness i can get on the job.

now, back to daydreaming about how great my weekend was. ::smiles::
back from kansas, finally... can't say much now, 'cause i'm at work, but it suffices to say i had one of the best weekends of my life. i don't think i've ever felt so happy, so comfortable, so...right about anyone in my life, and it was a beautiful thing to be able to spend four days with him, uninterrupted. what makes it even better, is i get the feeling (i've had it all along, really...) that he feels the same way about me as i do about him, which still never ceases to amaze me. do i really deserve this?

Thursday, April 22, 2004

well...i'm just about to leave for kansas, in about twenty minutes or so. :) i'm excited...i can't wait! i just want to get there...

goodbye, dear readers, whoever you may be!! see you tuesday!!
so, i read this in the blog of someone i know, and i think it's a wonderful, wonderful idea.

::I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want, and I will answer. Then, I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this, allowing your friends, including me, to ask you anything.::

post your questions in the comments, in my tagboard, or just email them to me (frontrowgirl@hotmail.com). :)
only nine more hours until my bus to kansas leaves!! i can't wait...i just feel an unfettered sense of excitement, looking forward to this weekend. i have nothing whatsoever to be scared of, to feel weird about...i'm spending a weekend and going to see him, and it's the best thing i could ever do.
coincidence. often it's a good thing, but sometimes...it just freaks me out. sometimes, it's just harrowing. and today is one of those days.

last night i had a dream, a really bad dream. i was walking through a grocery store, with my father and my siblings. that, in itself, made the dream awful...i don't get along with my father, and i do not so much as talk to him anymore. in the dream we were talking, but i could not understand why, even within the context of the dream...since i knew in my fictitious little head that we were not on speaking terms before the walk through the grocery store, and that we would again not be on speaking terms after the walk through the store...i was doing it, more than anything, to keep up appearances in front of my siblings.

also, in the dream, i picked up a frozen carton of gnocchi, potato-herb flavour. i carried it alongside the cart, and he said "okay, now you owe me eighty dollars." first, i was confused...the gnocchi didn't cost that much money, and i wasn't aware i owed him for anything but the gnocchi in the first place. that was a really disturbing part of the dream...at this point in my life, i don't owe him anything, nor do i ever want to be indebted to him, for the rest of my life.

i woke up this morning, realized that i had dreamt all this, and shook off the unpleasantness of the dream. it's not real, i convinced myself. it's just a dream. it's back to real life now...no appearances to keep up if i don't consciously want to, and no need to talk to that man. i pulled myself together, put on my clothes, and went to work.

when i got to work, i checked my email...and my heart sank when i looked at my inbox. there was the most dreaded subject heading of any emails i ever get. "mail from dad." that's the heading he uses for EVERY email he ever sends me, no matter what it's about. it makes me not want to read it, but i always do. i held my breath, and opened the email.

he had the nerve to be chatty. he had the nerve to ask if he could come to my graduation in june. at least he seems to have an idea what a stink that would cause with the rest of my relatives who are coming (my aunt, my mom, and my siblings), but he didn't seem to quite grasp how much pain it would cause me to have him there. i had already decided that he was not going to be coming to my graduation. i had so much resolve. i still do...it's so hard to get up the nerve to be able to write that email. it will be the shortest email ever...just two letters..."no." i know it'll hurt him a lot to get that email, that's why i'm so scared to send it...i don't have anything else to say to him but "no", but i know he's going to want me to explain myself. he can do anything he wants to screw me over, screw anyone else over, but it's not okay for him to face the consequences. i know how he works.

it's just freaky...he acts in my dream as if i owe him something, and then now he acts in real life as if i owe him something, owe him the opportunity to be present at my graduation. i don't owe him that. i don't owe him anything. him coming to my graduation would cause me nothing but pain, bring the rest of my relatives nothing but awkwardness, and cause my friends to form a line awaiting the opportunity to kill him and dump his body in lake michigan.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

i'm going through my days at work...it's boring, but i'm surviving. i still really don't have that many thoughts in my head other than how excited i am for this weekend to come around, how great it's going to be to see him in person as opposed to talking to him on the telephone, how wonderful he is, and how lucky a girl i am. :)

Monday, April 19, 2004

only three more days until i leave for kansas, and only four more until i get there.

i have the greatest assignment ever--a prolonged stacks search. (read: lots of perjuries posting and blog posting time.)

i get to leave work in an hour.

and did i mention i'll be in kansas on friday?

i love my life.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

i'm still pissed at blogger for blowing out my entry that i typed up last night. that made me sad. i think i've kind of reconsidered on actually retyping it, though...about half of it was a story about friday night...which was fun, but nothing earth-shattering for me to type here. i went out with my friend and a bunch of chicago law prospies, went to a crappy bar downtown and a good bar up in wicker park, and got to see a lawyer drunk as a skunk and high as a kite. it was random, we ran around town, and then we went home. (funniest moment: when said lawyer billed a cab ride for us to go drink to his law firm.)

the other half of it was...well, from the tune of the last two weeks in this blog, i'm sure you can guess what the other half of my entry was talking about. :) i still just can't help but be shocked, in a good way, by the last two weeks. by what happened in des moines, and how i feel like it's just...blossoming. stuff like this isn't supposed to happen to me. it's supposed to happen in movies. it's supposed to happen to The Beautiful People. not little old me...although i still have seemed to have lost at least some of my capacity to be down on myself. i still haven't lost my self-effacing sense of humour, that's a part of me no matter what, and it's not as if i didn't have any self-esteem whatsoever before, but...this really wonderful person has come into my life, and i feel so good about it, and that has rubbed off on how i feel about myself.
crud. i typed this long entry, and the computer erased it ALL. this isn't cool.

i'll retype it tomorrow. i'm tired. :(

Thursday, April 15, 2004

despite the apartment mess (which we're no closer to solving, i haven't heard from any of my other roommates yet...), and despite tax day, and despite the fact that i'm just as unproductive today as i was yesterday, i'm still in a darn good mood.

yep...only about a week before i go to Kansas to see the sweetest, most adorable boy ever. :) talking to him for so many hours yesterday only made me more excited about going there...i think i spent two hours on IM's with him, and another hour and a half or two on the phone with him. if you'd have asked me two weeks ago whether i would be doing any of this, i'd have told you that you were smoking dope. but no...it just feels like the right thing to do. i'm just a happier person thanks to him. it's clear that he likes me so much, that he likes me just as much as i like him. he's sweet, he's intelligent, he's nerdy, he's adorable...i'm not really one to define myself by other people, but i still can't help but think that there must be a lot of good in me for such a great person to like me so much, to want to spend so much time talking to me and being with me. it's a wonderful feeling.

the only thing that's nerve-wracking about that is the fact that i'm going to have to tell my aunt about it, since i'm going out of town and all. it's going to come completely out of nowhere, since the last time i broached the subject of relationships with her i went on this long, involved anti-relationship tirade. more than that, i just see her telling me that i shouldn't be buying bus tickets to kansas, since she gets so anal and annoying about anything that has to do with money. i think other than that, i wouldn't be so hesitant to share this with her...i don't think the fact that i'm in a relationship will bother her at all, as long as i'm happy and as long as it's with a good person, which clearly all applies. i just don't think she's going to like the fact that i'm travelling to kansas to see him...but she's just going to have to live with that. it's my life, he's an extremely special person, and it's just plain worth going to kansas to go see him. i guess i'll have that fight with her next week, and then put it out of my mind with happy thoughts of actually going to visit him. :)

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

i was having such a great day, and now...this.

one of my roommates can't live in our apartment anymore. turns out his mom didn't know until now that it was a co-ed apartment (i guess she assumed that "nicky" was a guy's name...but although i'm a rather boyish girl, i'm still a girl), and she would not support him living in an apartment with girls in it. she won't budge on this. this means he has to live in housing during the school year. this also means that we have to find a fifth person to take the fifth bedroom in the apartment, given that we've already signed the lease and paid the security deposit.

this makes me so sad. we had the perfect apartment...the five of us all get along so darn well, and wanted to live together. he was going to be such a cool roommate, he's such a blast to hang out with! i'm sure it will still be a fun apartment, four of us will be intact and hopefully we will find a fifth person to share the place with us, but it's still such a drag that it's not even funny.

i don't believe this at all.
i'm so unproductive today. i've been at work for three and a half hours and done so much nothing...i honestly think i've been spending more time posting on perjuries and checking my mail than i have actually doing work. it's just...i'm tired, my boss is out of town, and when i sit down to actually do work i end up just daydreaming about my boy and my impending trip to kansas instead. the only distraction from those beautifully distracting thoughts is...more distraction.

this is not boding well for hunkering down and doing my taxes tonight, is it?

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

my head is killing me because i'm hung over as all get out. i have a meeting to go to, and then more bureaucrats to go bother. i've got way too much stuff to deal with for what should theoretically be a day off of work. by all logic, today would suck.

but, life is good. somebody in kansas likes me, and i talked to him this morning. :) just the sound of his voice is enough to make me glow.

Monday, April 12, 2004

wow, my life just keeps getting better and better! :)

MY FRIENDS AND i HAVE AN APARTMENT!!!!!

the apartment hunt is indeed over, and we signed the lease this morning. it's a five bedroom apartment in an amazing location. five bedrooms is amazing, 'cause that means i get to live with all four other people that i wanted to live with. we originally thought the fifth bedroom was the sunroom, but it's not--there are five bona fide bedrooms, so that means we've got common space up the wazoo. the security deposit is less than we thought it was going to be. we got one on the first floor, so we won't have to climb up obscene amounts of stairs while moving in, or while stumbling home drunk on the weekends if we are so inclined. it's right behind the shopping centre with the grocery store, the laundromat, the liquor store, and a bunch of restaurants. it's right near public transit. it's going to be the mock trial party apartment, since it will have three mockers and two coaches next year. it's going to be the funnest place in hyde park!

and it's OURS! squeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Sunday, April 11, 2004

widely celebrated religious holidays are so weird when you do not adhere to an organized religion. like today, easter. way too many people, including my relatives, ask me what i'm doing for easter. they wish me a happy easter. to be honest, i could really care less that it's easter. i was looking forward to a nice calm sunday, it didn't have to be anything strange or out of the ordinary.

i did end up doing something out of the ordinary, albeit calm and relaxing. apparently my friend's mother makes homemade pizza every easter, so a few of us went over to their place and had pizza and played easy money and darts. it was a good day...definitely nothing religious, which makes me happy, but still fun. it was a thoroughly enjoyable day. and, strangely enough, i know that being able to tell my mom when i talk to her tonight or tomorrow that i did that will make her a lot happier than telling her that i did nothing, which had been my original plan for easter.

growing up, my family did the whole egg-hunt thing. that was always a lot of fun. every so often growing up, i'd read the bible on easter and try to give it some sort of religious significance...although my family didn't go to church unless we were visiting my mom's parents, we were still a nominally christian home, so i tried to be good and read. but, it never meant much to me. it never stuck. once everything come together and i realised that religion is a personal choice--and my personal answer is no, thanks to any of the organized faiths--i've blissfully paid no attention to any religious holidays other than the ones that my family ever makes a big deal out of...those being christmas, and to alesser extent, easter. as for my relatives, the only ones i've told that i'm not a christian anymore are siblings...i can just see my mother being so disappointed, for some reason...even though that's completely unfounded, since i remember her telling me when i was a child that she didn't care what religion i was, as long as i wasn't an atheist.

...which i'm not. i've had several things happen to me in my life, several answered prayers, that have proven to me the existence of God. aside from that, i can't comfortably believe that anything that i see or completely understand can be the source of all being, or the most perfect entity in existence. i believe in God. i just don't believe that there have to be sets of rules that tell people how to worship God, or who is most blessed by God, or what God tells us to do and not do. they're all human rules, and so many of them are so discriminatory and only cause hatred and trouble. it's a matter of personal choice, how you organize your spiritual life.

aside from the organized religion thing, i'm also not a fan of holidays in general. the idea of setting aside a day for everyone to celebrate the same thing seems like a silly ploy to sell hallmark cards. having them as uniform days off of work, or such practical things, doesn't bother me. but, holidays are just these sappy, silly things...what if you don't feel like celebrating the point of the holiday? what is you can't stand the ritual associated with it, but you feel compelled by your family or your social group to do something for it, something traditional? my idea of a special day is to talk to someone special, or hang out with my friends, or go to a concert, or just sleep in and rest. i don't see why many days can't be special...i despise silly ritual. i think that's really the heart of my beef with holidays, in general.

i guess i must say that today was one of the best holidays i've ever spent, though. it was a really nice day, but it's something i've done and had fun doing before, for other reasons, that didn't involve holidays. it wasn't religiously observed. it was a day to hang out with my friends. how i actually spent my easter didn't make it particularly necessary for me to make this rant today...it was more the simple fact that today is easter, and i got really frustrated by the email my aunt sent out a couple of days ago asking me what my plans were for the day, and treating the holiday like it was the most important thing in the world.
i'm still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that the tenor of this blog has changed so fundamentally because of this one thing that has happened. it has for so long been a place for cynicism, for rants about how much my life has sucked, or at least for sidelong references for things i've done as the stupid, single girl. there were lots of music references too...those haven't died, i just haven't been able to get out to a concert in the last week. but, it was more random cynicism anyway.

in a sense, it's so scary...just the idea that a certain person has so much power over my feelings, and over my outlook. sometimes it seems as if it's the exact thing i was trying to get away from, the exact thing i was trying to avoid. i can't say that i honestly feel any more or less in control of my life, though...i'm floating around in the stratosphere, but everything else about my life is stuff that i still have to deal with--i can't really afford to let my feet leave the ground most of the time. still, he has so much power to make me feel happy, excited, and cared-about...

Saturday, April 10, 2004

so freaking broke this weekend. :( so freaking broke, that i couldn't go out to any of the concerts i wanted to go to tonight. :( that sucks, there were a lot of good ones...three i wanted to go to, just tonight! one was inept with escape from earth and reforma, one was the burbanks, and the other was ratbag hero. and, you know what? i can't say that i care that much. i'm a little bummed, sure, and i do need to see all of these guys again in the future. but, i'm freaking broke, and not spending money now means that i have money to go to kansas in two weeks. that's what i really want to do, that's what i can't wait to do.

it really doesn't cease to amaze me how quickly that has turned me from this crazy little single chick and much-time cynic to someone with...gasp...a positive impression of liking another human being. i still sometimes think it should be weird, or scary, or something. it's not. it just feels good. especially after last night...such a nice conversation. he's just a genuinely nice guy, and a really fun guy. i really can't wait to go see him again.

Friday, April 09, 2004

i love my life. exactly two weeks from today, i'll be on a bus to Kansas to have what is sure to be one of the happiest, funnest weekends of my life. :)

the only thing that sucks is that it's in two weeks, as opposed to right now. there's still no other place i want to be but lawrence, kansas.

every night since i've gotten back from des moines, i've had a really long chat with him. they're the best parts of my days...i get so giddy and happy and silly just thinking about it. if you'd have asked me last week, i'd have told you that i was never supposed to be like this, i'd have told you that i didn't get giddy over anyone in particular, that i was single to stay and that my future was in dalliances and flings and one-night stands. who knows how much further this will go on here, but right now he's the only one i have eyes for. i'm just struck. i love talking to him, i get a little grin on my face if i see one of his mock trial photos, with him looking insanely cute in a suit, and the thing that's getting me through my boring days at work is the fact that work means i'm making money to buy a bus ticket to go visit him. not to mention, he just says the cutest things sometimes! :)

i was supposed to be the cynic. i was always, at least for the last year or so, the one in my group who railed against this kind of stuff. i was always the one who told people that melting into a little mushball is bad.

but, i guess when you find the person that melts you into that little mushball, it must be good.

because it definitely is for me.
is it possible to be giddy and overanalytical at the same time?

Thursday, April 08, 2004

i'm having such a reforma day. i was listening to one of my minidiscs today, and i realize that they are probably the happiest band in my regular rotation of music. of course, there are a few songs that aren't so happy, but some of them are, and almost all of the music is really upbeat and fun to listen to. it suits my mood.
after over two years of working at this library, based on a tip i heard from a co-worker yesterday, i have found the holy grail:

the lounge where they keep the coffee.

i had never gone in there because i didn't know where it was, and it was labelled "faculty lounge" anyway, but she told me it's almost all staff that uses it now. this is a good thing...it means that being at work at 9am is now that much more tolerable, because i can get my paws on as much free coffee as i need to drink.

i love my life.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

i'm still so, so, so happy. i'm still feeling like no matter what goes on around me, he's sweet and cute and adorable and wonderful, and i must be all of those things too, because otherwise he wouldn't choose to talk to me for hours on end, talking about everything and nothing. :)

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

happy me. i have so much stuff to do today that i really do not want to do, but i will do it. i am just in too good a mood to let any of that stuff bother me. :)

it's so bizarre, i can't even begin to wrap my brain around it. ever since about last may, i've just been...voraciously single. sure, i've had a fling here, a dalliance there...ranging from completely awkward to lots of fun, but there hasn't been anyone that i've met that i've just...felt like i was positively glowing after seeing them or even just talking to them, i haven't met someone in the last forever that i just couldn't stop wanting to see or talk to. i've been groaning for months about how i have no business being with anyone in particular, that i want to be nothing but single, nothing but completely unattached, for the rest of the foreseeable future.

i don't feel like that anymore. it's so out of nowhere, but i feel so happy about it that i know it's the right way to go. he's so sweet, and fun to talk to, and cute, and just plain sexy. i can be my silly, weird, nerdy self, and he likes it. he's also quite silly and nerdy himself, which i just adore! i can talk to him for a long time, and it just doesn't feel like a long time at all because i'm just in this aura of happiness, like everything's right with the world and i just want to talk to him forever. the only thing that's not just completely wonderful is the fact that i'm in chicago and he's in lawrence...there's really no place i want to be right now but lawrence, kansas. it'll be good, though, i'm going to probably take a bus down there in a couple of weeks to go visit him. take a long weekend, go to kansas, and just be the happiest person alive.

it's so funny, my friends are ribbing me so much for this, ribbing me so much for the...ummm...somewhat public way this all began, for melting into this sappy little creature, for actually setting my sights (not to mention my heart!) on one person after badmouthing all that stuff for so long. but, it's all in fun...even they notice that i start grinning and giggling and talking way too fast when i start talking about him.

it's not something i'm used to, but it's something i welcome. he just makes me so happy...he's so much fun to talk to, and so much fun to hang out with, for what time i actually did get to see him in des moines...i really should have made a move sooner than sunday morning, so we could have spent more time together!

alright...i'll stop raving, and go back to daydreaming. happy me...

Monday, April 05, 2004

...so my mock trial career is over. we dropped two heartbreaking ballots, -1 and -1, in the last round to stanford, so we finished 4-4 and didn't place at all. i feel like i should be bummed about this, but i'm not. i did as well as i could have asked to, and our defense (the only side i'm on...) went 4-0. i had an amazing time, and have lots of funny stories that my friends and i will be able to share for a long time to come. and, i hit it off with the most adorable guy.

::smiles::

too bad he lives in kansas, but we're not going to worry too much about that right now.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

i can't believe mock trial nationals start tomorrow night. i'm leaving for des moines tonight. i haven't packed. i'm so not ready...i went over all my directs last night, and i was awful. rusty. just plain bad. i guess we'll run through them again in the car, or at the hotel, i don't even know.

all i do know is, my psyche can't afford it if i suck. it's my last mock trial tournament ever. it's the national championships. misplaced as their allegiance may be, my team is counting on me, and i can't let them down like i've let them down all season long.