Thursday, January 29, 2004

i don't think a cure for all of life's ills exists, but listening to the Marvelous 3 must be up there among That Which Cures A Whole Heck Of A Lot Of Ills.
leaving for dubuque in three hours...ah, the beauty of mock trial trips. sarcasm about the cosmopolitan nature of dubuque aside, i really do love these things. mock trial is a blast (and i'm finally starting to feel good at it again--might i be out of my slump?). also, long car trips with some of my best friends in the world are also just wonderful. it's all about just sitting...and talking...and trying to say funny things, but not things that are so funny that the driver runs the car off the road.
what the heck is up with all those online dating sites that use "personality quizzes" to match people? whatever happened to the old fashioned way: meet, hook up, and make mistakes?!?!?

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

"you could slit my throat
and with my one last gasping breath
i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt"
"You're So Last Summer"
by Taking Back Sunday

(found this quote in someone's away message...i need to listen to this song. it's worth a listen for this quote alone.)
i liked that new blog look, but i'm so pissed the comments won't work on it. not that i get very many of them, but i like the idea of you being able to talk to me on this thing if you want to. so, until i get comments to work on the skin, it's back to the old blog.

darn me for being an incompetent boob who doesn't know much html.
i'm so tired this morning...it sucks being up doing laundry until three in the morning. grrr...

i've got way too much to do today. two classes, a discussion session, work, my sign language paper, my constitutional law paper proposal, a meeting to work on mock trial...way too much. the only one of those things i feel particularly motivated to do is the mock trial stuff, especially since we had a really long, intense, invigorating meeting last night. it was four hours long, but we got done what needed to be done, and it looks like we might look half competent for loras.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

you know you have the most boring job on the face of the earth when you're extremely amused by the irony of putting a barcode ending in the digits 435 on the back of a senate document as opposed to a house document.

i need to get out of here.
word of the day: insufficient. because everything i do, and everything i am, is insufficient.
blog skin overhaul would be a great name for a band.

it's also a great description of what i've just done.

(except for the fact that i can't get my freaking comments to work. grr. this needs fixing.)

Monday, January 26, 2004

i love dumb criminal stories. this one's a total hoot...i found it on dumbcrooks.com. it's inspired.

Would-be thieves get to listen to 'Cops' theme

Columbus, Ohio Police have added a musical twist to the booby-trapped car they leave out to entice would-be thieves.

The city's so-called "bait car" is now rigged to play the theme from the television show "Cops" when officers remotely disable the engine and nab the crooks.

A videotape recently shot on the car's hidden cameras shows a man hopping in the driver's seat and muttering to himself, "I got me a good one."

He drives a short distance before an officer monitoring the situation from a remote location flips a switch that disables the engine and locks the door. Then, the car's tape player can be heard blaring the reggae-inflected tune from the television show's opening credits:

"Bad boys, bad boys/Whatcha gonna do/Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?"

The bait car in Columbus has caught 10 thieves in two days of use last week, Lt. Marie Ballou said.

"We only put it out there once a month or so and for about three days at a time, but it's been effective," Ballou said.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

my room is a mess. my life is a mess. and i don't even care right now.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

last night was fun...just sort of sat around, hung out, drank a few beers, and went to sleep. it's probably a good thing...my alcohol tolerance is going way down, i haven't been drinking very often recently. four drinks, and i was a happy sleepy nicky catching z's on my friend's couch. it used to be (like, last quarter) that four drinks didn't do jack crap to me.

so hooked on poker...i'm playing another texas hold 'em tourney this afternoon. :) that game rocks. after that i'm going to my friend's name day party, which should also be fun. most of my friends are going to it...it's out in the burbs at her house, and her family is making lots of food. they're such good cooks, it's going to be yummy. it's probably going to be kind of funny...it's both her and her dad's name day, so i think we're all going to be over to hang out with her, and then her parents' friends will be over to hang out with her father. need to pick out a cute outfit for this...

Friday, January 23, 2004

i'm beginning to think it's time to fold on several fronts. i know it's pathetic that i'm starting to think of my life in terms of one big game of texas hold 'em, but since i spent five hours tonight playing said game, i doubt it's so unwarranted.

but...i'm feeling much better about mock trial. i didn't suck so much tonight. things might be looking up for loras.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

just give me ten minutes more
and i'll be passed out on the floor
and i've never felt so alright
if by sanity i mean drama and troublemaking, i had a sanity night last night.

whatever...i still had a freaking blast. so, it was indeed a sanity night...i was in a better mood than i've been in all week. looks like i'm actually recovering from my mock trial tailspin.

yay boys town!

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

"urban tragedy" by charleston dueling society is an absolutely amazing song. you should check it out. now. for the sake of good emo.
i'm marginally functional today. this is a good thing. i went to my 9:30 am class and everything, and i think i may have even shaken out of that funk from this weekend...after being on the verge of tears for two or three days on end, i'm not just about to cry today. it's a wonderful thing...hopefully it means i'll be able to gain the wherewithal to get my mock trial act together, and get other things together too.

here's hoping.

for now, though, i've gotta go to work and bore myself crazy for a few hours. then i've got to go to conlaw discussion. after that, though, who knows? maybe i'll go out tonight, because boys town is calling my name. either that, or i'll stay in, goof on the old guitar, and go to bed early. that's calling my name too.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

insomnia never sleeps
by no particular night...or mourning

nights like these time draws out like a blade
and times like these you're feeling nothing but afraid
not too much i can do but watch you as you crawl
but when you cry just remember i was with you through it all

and you're not fine
you're not good
you've been better
as the battle wages on inside your mind
you're not fine

and you've forgotten where you are
where you're going
where you've been
and i can't help but think that things won't be right in the end
but i'll light a candle
make a motion
say a prayer
just anything to let you know that i was always there

and you're not fine
you're not good
you've been better
as the sickness rages on and now you're blind
you're not fine

these sour seconds speeding faster
every time i see you cry
and here's to hoping that maybe just for one night

you'll be just fine
you'll be good
never better
your scars will fade with time and so will mine
you'll be fine
"she hides her reflection with pictures from magazines
she gets so angry when i don't see what she sees
but if i'm supposed to sit and watch her tear herself apart
then maybe i was wrong
she never really knew me at all"

"Esteem"
by 8Stops7

(i have a funny feeling it's thoughts like this that are running through my friends' heads right about now when they think about me. they swear i'm a good person. they swear i'm competent. they swear i'm alright. i'm still not convinced.)
i really can't bring myself to do anything this morning...this week... i was supposed to go to class yesterday morning...not so much. i was supposed to go to work at 9am today...i pushed that back to 10:30, and moved the other hours to thursday. i just want to sleep and disappear from the world for a while. i know i'll be able to do plenty of disappearing when i finish school in march, but two months seems like forever now.

Monday, January 19, 2004

i made a complete idiot of myself this weekend in mock trial. none of my witnesses went very well at all...they were so flat, i was in a huge slump. i even completely blanked out for about fifteen whole seconds during one of my witnesses. i let my team down by being completely worthless and scoring significantly lower than all of the rest of the people on the team. no matter what anyone may tell me, i think that if i didn't completely suck, we'd have gone better than 4-4 at this tournament...a lot of the ballots were close, and a lot of my scores were exceedingly bad.

in other words...i am the weakest link.

goodbye.

Friday, January 16, 2004

this weekend is going to be awesome. i'm seeing Inept tonight. (my tenth show of theirs...i love those guys so much!) i haven't seen them in almost a month (since december 18th), so it's going to be so sweet. lots of people i know are going to be there, so it's just going to be one big inept fan party, and they're releasing their new CD. i've actually heard all the songs on it, they were posted online yesterday...they're super. especially beyond the tears...it's the song they've been starting their concerts with since about october, and it gets me going absolutely nuts every time i hear it.

after the show (i've got to leave a bit early...i get to see all of inept's set, but i can't see stripping the pistol or hang out with everyone after the show), i've gotta rush back to hyde park--i've got a mock trial tournament this weekend. :) we're leaving at 10, since it's only up in waukegan, about an hour north of here. it'll be fun...i've been doing nothing but trying to memorize mock trial stuff the last week and a half or so, but it's all good...i know it pretty well, especially given the short time and the team shuffling. also...tournaments are just plain fun. i get to hang out, do mock trial, be with my friends, drink beer, play poker...just be happy.

speaking of poker...i am awesome. i was in a 51 person texas hold 'em tourney last night with the poker club, and i came in second. that means i got $120 just for hanging out and playing cards for six hours. man, i wish i was good enough to play poker for a living...that would be a pretty sweet job.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

"come undone"
by fat amy

inching closer to finally realize
your will to live became a will to die
so quick to questioning everything
it feels so cold i'm finally in unfamiliar surroundings
please waste some time

she looks down on me
she holds my hand
feel a ribbon of gray laced through her dark hair
for the first time
i couldn't be for this
just to see it end
i won't try to pretend that i can make it
please waste some time

even though she never said
you were to afraid to ask
how will you ever forgive me
i've come undone
i've come undone

wait awhile
try to make it end
i won't mind to pretend
that i can make it
please waste some time
i've come undone
i've come undone
i've come undone
i've come undone


this has been a song i've loved since high school. it was pertinent then, and it continues to be pertinent now...especially the line "i won't try to pretend that i can make it". sometimes i just wish i had the courage to say that, the courage to resign myself to that frame of mind. no matter what i say, i'm still halfway pretending that i can make it, although all my better sense says it's doubtful.

anyway...amazing song.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

i'm not saying i'm the perfect star.
not that anyone really ever reads this anyway (if you do, PLEASE tell me, because i'll love you forever), but if you do...do you like the tagboard or comments better? right now i have both, but i feel it's a smidge redundant.
i am so tempted to cause some hard-core mischief...involving wiffleball, beer, and a couple of people that bring out the worst in me. it would be really funny...dunno if i'll go through with it, although i see very little reason not to because causing trouble is great, and causing trouble with these guys is especially fun.
i burned a new minidisc last night. i'm quite happy about that...i'm listening to it right now. it's kind of ironic that i'm happy, because the theme of the minidisc is depressing songs of self-loathing, but those kinds of songs make me happy...the songs i put on there rock really hard, and i feel happy when i hear lyrics that i can relate to...even if they are depressing as all get out. it makes me feel less alone, even when i'm at work and left alone to stew in my own thoughts, fears, and things that suck (that i'm probably avoiding).

Sunday, January 11, 2004

promises mean nothing from a book full of lies
so weird...went out with some of my friends tonight, in addition to my ex-roommate. i hardly ever see her, talk to her, anything anymore, and it's really weird whenever i do. i probably come off as cold or quiet, but i guess that's better than getting myself in way too deep in something i really shouldn't (i.e., hanging out too much with someone who has done so much to hurt me). at least it's over for the night, i probably won't see her again all quarter if i can avoid it.

Saturday, January 10, 2004

all the things you'll never be
the further down you walk with me
once i had the things you'd want
now i have something you need
i swore so long ago that this was going to be one of those "literary" blogs, one of those that wasn't going to degrade into me just ranting about my problems, about what's on my mind.

that just can't happen, i realised that long ago. not only is this a wonderful way for me to just rant and rant and rant without repercussions, there's also the small matter that the vast majority of what i write stems from...ranting about things i hate about myself and the world around me. poetry, prose, letters, journals...that's when i'm most inspired to pick up a pen and write. if i'm happy, what's the point--there's nothing to really work through. writing, on the other hand, is like therapy...but it's a lot cheaper, i don't have to deal with strangers, and i don't have to turn my back on my deep-seated opposition to seeing a shrink. i win either way.

so, be it rants about my day, lines of song lyrics i compose (to varying degrees of coherence), or song lyrics i quote from others...it's still my blog, and i can rant when i want to. i can't even be pretentious if i try.
i've found myself in a corner or three that i can't back out of...maybe i can walk forward out of them, but i'm going to be torn into bloody strips if i do. that'll hurt. a lot. (but more than staying in the corner?)

and it's all my fault. like it always is.

Friday, January 09, 2004

i'm finally Dealing With Stuff today, this week...nothing like having the hypothetical gun to my head to make me do what's been illogically scaring the crap out of me for months.

will this turn over a new leaf? for the sake of my sanity i hope so, but i know myself better than that. i really don't have it in me to be proactive about very much, much less have it in me to be a very good person consistently.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

tell me: how many times do we bend to the things that we never intend?

i know what i want, but it stays hidden in the shadows. i tell everyone everything unless it's something that's important to me, fundamental to my very existence. i often feel like i'm leading the world on, like i'm playing a role. i'm starting to break out of it (case in point, admitting that i'm sick of school and will not, under any circumstances, go to law school next year!), but there are still a few things that are just...taboo. i'm sure everyone surmises it, no one will be surprised...for crying out loud, i play my REAL role, my mental role, the role i want to play so freaking well, someone (one of the banes of my current existence...aaargh...another freaking story) told me i was "a walking stereotype". a walking stereotype of something that's a running joke with everyone but me and my own head.

instead of being alone with all my wrongs, i'm out front with all my wrongs...and alone with what's right in my world.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

hence the last link...i listen to and talk about so much random music (interspersed with my rantings about how much my life sucks...) that i should probably link to some of it...given that so much of what i talk about pertains to random local bands around chicago. this means i will post random links to songs in my blog entries, and i will also link my mental playlist when the songs on it can be downloaded off band sites. in other words...it's one girl's attempt to make your music collection just a bit cooler. :)

(hint...right click on any song links in entries or mental playlist and click save target as...it's a lot easier that way.)

oh dear, it's a technical update. shoot me now...

eh well, at least it's a cool one.
i can't write another love song or a song about beer.
i still don't know what to do about much of anything. i'm feeling a little better about life...about being a student for this one last quarter...but i still just have this nagging feeling that something isn't right, and that i've let myself fall into a catch-22 where if i do something it'll make me happy and another miserable, and if i do the other it'll make me miserable but another happy. i don't see why they should suffer for a mistake i may have made, but i don't see why i should suffer, especially because it's not a huge mistake, it should be a pretty easy one to back out of, to move along from. i really don't know, i guess time will tell.

i hate that phrase. time doesn't do crap.
"pity"
by dysception

can you feel
can you feel my pain
it's tearin'
it's tearin' me apart

and it feels like
but it's hard inside here
and it feels like
but it's hard inside here

i've been alone
alone for so long
it's been hard
hard to go on

and it feels like
but it's hard inside here
and it feels like
but it's hard inside here

what do you want from me
no one else can even see
what is inside of me just watch me bleed
what is inside of me just watch me bleed

fuck it

can you feel it
can you feel it
can you feel it c'mon
can you feel it
can you feel it
can you feel it c'mon
can you feel it
can you feel it
can you feel it c'mon
can you feel my pity

can you feel
can you feel my pain
it's tearin'
it's tearin' me apart

i love this song so much...it's so simple and to the point and ANGRY! it's the greatest thing live...i'm sad that i won't be able to see dysception on friday (no ride out to alsip...GRRRR!!! not cool.) they're so awesome live, and they've been holed up writing new stuff recently...new stuff that i can't wait to hear. and, they're playing with disonic...and i've had so much disonic ringing in my head this week. disonic is becoming an adjective in my vocabulary, as in, "i'm having such a disonic week." definitions of disonic (adj.) include
1. lots of disonic songs ringing in my head
2. playing lots of disonic on my stereo
3. bitter, angry, pissed, and not afraid to be super blunt about it...as in a lot of disonic's songs

on a total tangent, though, it does look like i'll get to see Inept on the 16th at metro, one of my friends has to drive to the mock trial tournament really late, so i can ride up there with her--after the Inept concert. this is good, because it would make me so unbelievably sad if i had to miss an Inept show, especially at Metro. i love inept so much...they're my favourite band in chicago (and one of my favourites ever), i've seen them nine times, and their music is absolutely amazing.
great...within less than 24 hours, my band AND mock trial decide to fall apart. the band thing is a little easier to move on with...there's no real shortage of people who want to be in bands. mock trial is a LOT harder...there is a shortage of people, and it's such a drawn out process picking teams. so, today just sort of randomly turned into a "condense-four-shorthanded-teams-into-three-full-ones" meeting. the good news is, the a-team is going to be pretty freaking amazing. the bad news is...i'm on it. :( what i REALLY wanted was to be a double-sided witness on the b-team (because i really want to do two roles--i HATE sitting out rounds), but if i did that, the a-team would have had to take on a single witness that was really not good enough to be on an a-team...so i bit the bullet and moved up for a single witness spot there. i know it was for the good of the team, but i'm still going to be so sad, sitting out half the rounds. i don't know...i know it will all work out, but i'm still just stunned that we had to restack teams AGAIN tonight, and i'm a little sad that it's my fourth year, my last on mock trial, and i'm only going to be on one side. oh well...i should whine less and just deal with it, because i do know what i did was the best for everyone.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

some song lyrics...because i just want to fall, darnit!!!!!

"always the one"
by PGS

so late
so i'm left again
well so i tried
and so i sit back where i thought that i had always known
across from your eyes

why am i always the one who has to be so strong
i just want to fall
why do i always leave you running to his arms
i just want to fall

did you see me across the room dying in your eyes
my head on my hands
did you notice the way that my heart dropped onto the floor
when he came in the room

and i never thought i meant a thing until you pulled me aside that day
told me everything

why am i always the one who has to be so strong
i just want to fall
why do i always leave you running to his arms
i just want to fall
just let me fall

so alone
so alone

so five years down the road now i still think of you
and i'm still alone
still wondering and pondering about the thoughts that played in my head
if any of them made sense

why am i always the one who has to be so strong
i just want to fall
why do i always leave you running to his arms
i just want to fall
just let me fall
just let me fall
just let me fall
what the heck? i was online last night, and i find out that, wham, out of nowhere, my guitarist and my drummer are leaving my band...leaving really only my bassist and me, that means we've pretty much broken up. it's weird...i expected myself to be absolutely crushed, but i'm not. i'm a little pissed off that it was so random, so out of nowhere, but i don't think it's the end of the world. i'm kinda excited about looking for new possibilities...it's a possibility i may stick with my bassist, but i really don't know. i like jamming with him, but i also would love to try out a punk or metal project...and i know he wouldn't be up for that at all. i'm also thinking i'd love to join a band that does originals, so i can write lyrics and stuff...he wants to eventually do them, but start as a cover band. he's also a lot more inclined toward classic rock stuff...it's kinda fun, but i'd be a liar to say i don't want to try the heavier, newer stuff, given that that's what i sing. i don't know...we'll see what happens with all of this. it sucks, but it's not insurmountable...i want to keep singing, and maybe even find a band that's more towards what i listen to. i was, to be honest, getting a smidge frustrated with my current band...it was still fun, but i think i'm a lot more excited about finding a new band than i am sad that my current one broke up.

Monday, January 05, 2004

one class down. it looks like i'll enjoy it, or i enjoyed it today. i'm still even gunshy about the idea of getting too deep into school, fearing that the same thing that happened last quarter (rampant ditching of classes, apathy, etc.) will consume me again this quarter. i also need to figure out how many classes i need to graduate, because i want to be done this quarter, no exceptions. i also need to get more stuff related to the aid papers done...that needs to be taken care of, effective yesterday (or many yesterdays ago.) i don't know why i procrastinate so much, but i fear it's a combination of apathy and avoidance.

sometimes, i feel like i'm just as bad as Pure Evil. this is one of those times.
am i ready to get back into class? will i go to class this quarter? will i give a crap? only time will tell.

the good news is, things might be looking up, despite the fact that being out of bed this early in the morning is very unpleasant.

"i fell once again for believing
and in faith i began to drive
i left my home to search for a feeling
that i lost
that must have died
that must have died"
"Uninspired"
by 8Stops7

Sunday, January 04, 2004

read a quote from this song in someone's IM away message last night...it struck me. it affected me. these lyrics rule, and they're a wonderful snapshot of what's going through my head.

blue in the face
by alkaline trio

it's about time that i came clean with you
i'm no longer fine and far from running smooth
i thought that i found myself onto something new
one more line i repeat over and over again
'til i'm blue in the face with a choking regret
as i talk in circles 'round you on my bed
can't say i blamed you one bit when you kept it all inside
when you left that night
it's about time that you get sick of me
no longer fun and so far from interesting
i thought that i found me a cure for feeling old
just one more line to keep me sleeping loudly and cold
in disgrace with a shameful regret
as i talk in tongues to myself in my bed
can't say i blamed you one bit when you kept it all inside
when you left that night
and all that followed fell like mercury to hell
somehow we lost our heads for the last time
now i can't dream since i quit sleeping
and i haven't slept since i met you
and you can't breathe without coughing at daytime
neither can i so what do you say?
your coffin or mine?
at least i'm back at my apartment. this is good...i finally have a place to call my own again for the first time in three weeks.

i don't want to start school again tomorrow. nothing's enough to get me ready to face class again. i don't even know what classes i'm planning on taking, i guess i have to pick that out tonight.

i don't care about anything right now.
group hug.
i still don't know about this whole 2004 thing. i'm still apathetic. i'm doing lots of nothing. i still don't know what to do about anything.

Thursday, January 01, 2004

my name is nicolle.
i am 21 years old.
i am a friend.
i am a rocker.
i am a student.
i am a whore.
i am a sleaze.
i am a bad person with a few redeeming characteristics that just don't seem to be enough anymore.
and i am apathetic.
i rang in the new year as an extremely horrible person, and to be honest, i really don't care all that much. this should be scaring me. i should care, or at least berate myself. but, i just have this sense of...not really caring. it's the same feeling i had when i stopped studying physics...i just didn't care, so i left it. but, what do i leave now? my life? that's just not going to happen, horrible person or not i still have SOMETHING to live for.

it's been the shadows, but it's time to take out the bludgeon.