i'm having another wave of paranoia that had me in tears in the basement of harper library. it's about--what else--law school. i haven't been able to do anything about law school applications since drafting my personal statement a few weeks ago. i want to go next year, but i can't bring myself to apply. thinking about applying continues to make me feel like the most worthless candidate ever, despite the encouragement from everybody. it's like...half of me feels like i need the encouragement, but the other half just gets worse from it, as if it knows that i have everyone fooled. don't even get me started on recommendations--i can't ask for them. i don't deserve them from a single professor i had in four years at this school. i was the one who ditched class every chance she got, who fell asleep every day in class, who just didn't care. my grades sucked--a 3.69 gpa is nothing for law school, absolutely nothing. i need to stop kidding myself, stop even trying to convince myself i can cut the mustard in applying for law school, and resign myself to being a library monkey for the rest of my life. i'm setting myself up for disappointment just by trying to apply, write essays, get recommendations...and i can't deal with that right now.
everyone's wrong about me, and i just need to come clean. i'm chaff. i'm nobody special.