Friday, October 22, 2004

"i've gone insane...and i'm the one to blame"

two hours down, six to go. nothing's any better, but at least barcoding books is a little distracting. it's slow going, there are runs of books without pocket cards, so i just have to copy down the barcode on another card.

i've listened to "figure 8" by memento about six times down there, just over and over again. my actual song of the day, the one i NEED is "analogue" by spirit creek, but i don't have a recording of that song anywhere. it's ringing in my head, in a twisted sort of interpretation...the song is about having something real and true (in the explicit case of the song, religion, although it doesn't beat you over the head with it, and i'm free to interpret it how i want...), and rebelling against false things that other people claim.

"i'm not your black
i'm not your white
i'm not your
analogue
analogue
analogue
it's the same old nothing
analogue
analogue
analogue
someone else's something"

but, in the case of today...i'm the same old nothing, i'm someone else's something. i'm that false thing that way too many people mistake for true. i'm pretending at life...hoping not to llet myself down, hoping not to let everyone else down, but i don't have anything behind that hope except for...blindness and naivete. no strength, no confidence, no emotional wherewithal. it's becoming clearer and clearer that failure is a self-fulfilling prophecy...whether or not the people who believe in me at all are right, i know in my heart i'm going to fail at everything i try, so i'm going to fail at everything i try.

it scares me that i'm working on law school applications tomorrow.

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