Saturday, October 23, 2004

i should be writing my personal statement for law school, but instead i'm updating this. i have everything in front of me i need to be writing it...the book i'm going to quote, the notes i made when i got all the inspiration for my topic, a computer with a word processing program... i have everything i need except for motivation and self-confidence. any honest personal statement about me would be one to three pages about why i'm a lazy, unmotivated slob unworthy of flipping burgers, much less going to a decent law school.

but, i have to pretend. i have to act. i have to channel brook sills...who was an incompetent security guard who got on that witness stand and appeared perfectly competent in trial. i am...an incompetent, worthless girl who has enough scraps to pull together and have a shot at successfully pretending to be worthy of a seat in law school.

applying to college wasn't like this at all, i felt like i had the world at my feet because i was the big fish in a small pond. i thought i'd be a big fish in a larger pond. i then realised that i was a mediocre fish in that pond...and it doesn't bother me. should it bother me? should i be satisfied? i am, sort of, and i hate myself for it at times like this.

i should bite the bullet. i should pretend. i should get out of this screen, and open up word, and write that personal statement. i can come up with one to three double-spaced pages that will make them think i have something deeper than beer, baseball, boobies, and self-loathing going on in my head, right?

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