Friday, October 29, 2004

tonight is awful. i want to cry...scratch that, i did cry. i've pulled myself together, but for who knows how long?

i just want it to be twelve hours from now.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

i'm sad. ratbag hero's website seems to be gone, and i can't find any information about them having a new website. i can't find any show dates. there hasn't been any info on the mailing list saying that they've broken up, but i can't find anything proving their existence that's more recent than a few months old. i hope it just means they have a new website, that i can't find, but that's probably not true, of course. all i know is, a world without ratbag hero (or, as my friends call them, "our only groupie is nicky") is a sick, sad world.
this is so funny i'm about to cry. the onion has been pretty ho-hum lately, but this has renewed my faith in america's finest news source.

Man, I Wish That Sniper Would Go Away

I know I shouldn't complain: I've got a reasonably priced place with gorgeous hardwood floors, a fireplace, and a nice big backyard. It's just, there are some things about the neighborhood that I can't get used to. I wish we weren't so close to the airport, I wish we were near a supermarket, and I really wish the sniper in front of the house would go away.

I'll grant you, the break on the mortgage was nice. The broker was very understanding when we told him we wanted a few points shaved off our rate because of the bad plumbing, the shoddy garage roof, and all those shot-out windows that needed replacing.

And it's not just the money—our neighbors are great, too. The Culpin kid came over the day we moved in to ask if he could cut our grass with his old push-about Lawn Boy. I felt so bad for his parents after the incident. But what can you do? At least they still have the twins.

The shops might be out of walking range, but there's a good bookstore just a hop, a skip, and a desperate sprint from our back porch. My wife said we should contact the authorities, but I'm the new guy in the neighborhood. I don't want to get tagged as the guy who calls the cops every time there's a sniper training his gun on the crosswalk between the front door and the SUV.

Still, though... No matter how soothing the crickets are at night, I never forget that the sniper is out there. It's like having a popcorn hull between your teeth: You can't stop thinking about it until it's gone. We can't open the curtains during the day, we can't turn the lights on at night, and we certainly can't have pets. I mean, the mortgage allows pets. But the sniper doesn't.

And just try getting something to eat around here! Once the delivery guys figure out that our sniper will plug them the second they start up our walk, they stop delivering to us! When we try to order, they all ask, "406 Roberts? Is that the place with the sniper out front?" Sometimes, when a new restaurant opens up, we can get them to come over once or twice, but after the first few delivery guys are assassinated, the restaurant gets scared off and it's microwave burritos for us.

You know what else? I really wish that sniper would allow someone from Taco Town to retrieve Renaldo's bullet-riddled corpse out from under the sycamore.

On the upside, I guess the sniper keeps the kids home at night. They're at that age where they prefer tear-assing around town to spending time at home. Judy's 15, and that means all she thinks about is boys. Too bad for her none of her knights in shining armor have been willing to risk a .270 Winchester softnose between the eyes. I just tell her there'll be plenty of time for boys after the sniper's gone.

I'm getting a little fed up, though; I won't lie to you. The gutters are filling up with leaves, and I've gotta get them cleaned out before it snows. Man, when winter sets in, all the bulky clothes and ice are gonna make evasive maneuvering difficult. Well, at least we won't be saddled with hosting Christmas this year. Which reminds me, I can't imagine what we'll do for Halloween. Every time I try to turn on the walkway light, the sniper shoots it out. Should we even bother giving out candy this year? I just don't know.


huh-huh. i said dillhole. that is the greatest thing i have ever done. huh-huh. dillhole.


in all seriousness, using that word in my last post has made me appreciably happier and more amused. i'm silly.
...which particular dillhole decided that it would be a good idea to use shelves that are too short for the fixtures in the law storage area!?!?!?!?!? i barely bumped one of the shelves with my butt, and two shelves worth of books came crashing down on me, my cart, and the floor. now i have to go back downstairs and reshelve the books...i picked them up off the floor, but i didn't have the heart to actually reorder and reshelve them before coming upstairs to blow off a little steam by ranting in this thing.

screw work. i want to go home. at least i won't have to come here for four days, after today...but it still sucks to be down in that dusty, filthy basement, and then have books rain down on you.

the books didn't even have the courtesy to come down from over my head, hit my head, and knock me out for a few hours. that would have been preferable, because instead of being conscious and fuming, i'd be unconscious with no control over anything for a while. if a book could knock me out cold until 4:30 or 5, that would be beautiful.
things that rock:
--knitting and crocheting. i'm crocheting (tunisian crochet!) a little tote bag. i have a tiny bag, and some big messenger bags, but i don't have anything that's just big enough to carry my wallet, my cell phone, and a notebook to write in. now i'm doing that...and it's going to be sexy, fire-engine red. hot, hot, hot. also, i'm going to go to the yarn store sometime soon with my roomie, and we're going to get yarn to knit sweaters. i'm going to make a nice, warm, sweater...the pattern has skulls on the sleeves, but i haven't decided yet if i'll do mine with skulls or something else on it.
--novel writing. last night, i was working on some preliminary planning for my novel for nanowrimo, and it's just so much fun to come up with ideas! i'm starting to love one of my characters so much...maybe i'll give her a bigger role, it depends on what happens after i flesh out characters that i conceive to be more "main" right now. i just want to start writing the thing...but no cheating, i can't start until november 1st...
--cookie dough. i was going to make cookies last night, but with a little help from my roomie, i was convinced to leave it as cookie dough. mmmmmmmm...cookie much better than cookies.
--this weekend. i'm going to st. louis tomorrow, meeting up with my boyfriend, and then we're driving to kansas to go judge at the university of kansas mock trial tourney. i get to spend lots of time with the most adorable guy on earth, and i also get to take bad mockers down a peg if they try any funny stuff in my courtroom. both of these things make for a wonderful weekend.

things that suck:
--perjuries is down this morning. that makes me sad. i want to post to perjuries. i swear, i'm addicted to that really...i can stop whenever i want...i only have 5050 posts...
--the bus was late this morning. the 8:55 bus, which is always on time, was not today...i think it came five or six minutes early, and therefore i had to wait 'til 9:10. my boss was cool about it, but it's still frustrating.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

this cartoon rocks.
there once was a band called creed. way back in the mythical days of 1998, they released an album called my own prison, and it was good. six years hence, that album still cuts the mustard, stands up to repeated listenings, and, best of all, rocks.

time passed. they released albums called human clay and weathered. human clay had a few decent songs, but was mostly filler. weathered was not worthy of use as a beer coaster, as all of its songs were bad. it was sad, seeing a band that released such a good album degrade to that.

then the lead singer, scott stapp, went off the deep end. he performed a show drunk and tried to pass it off as unique. finally, scott and the rest of his band parted ways. the rest of the band went on to form alter bridge, with the lead singer from the mayfield four. alter bridge continued to sound like creed, with a different singer. alter bridge exists today, continuing to put many people to sleep in the name of rock.

scott, however, struck out on his own. he has yet to release any new music in any wide rotation, but he has a public gig this very night, this twenty-seventh day of october, two thousand and four. he is singing at a baseball game between the boston red sox and the saint louis cardinals. he is singing a bad song that should never, ever be sung at baseball games, especially in the middle of the seventh inning. that song is called "god bless america".

and this particular performance, or anticipated performance, is proof that he has hit rock bottom, at least in the estimation of sane, anti-jingoistic, rock music loving people everywhere.
"existentialism on prom night"
by straylight run

when the sun came up
we were sleeping in
sunk inside our blankets
sprawled across the bed
and we were dreaming

there are moments when
when i know it and
the world revolves around us
and we're keeping it
keep it all going
this delicate balance
all knowing

sing like you think no one's listening

you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would kill for this

sing like you think no one's listening

you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would

sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything

we're glad for what we've got
done with what we've lost
our whole lives laid out
right in front of us

sing like you think no one's listening

you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would kill for this

sing like you think no one's listening

you would kill for this
just a little bit
just a little bit
you would

sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

formal shoes suck. i wore dress shoes sunday, and my feet are still killing me two days later.

men invented dress shoes. bad, bad, misogynistic men invented dress shoes. they may look sexy, but i hurt. that makes me sad.

my goal for the weekend is to spend as little time as possible in dress shoes. that will be quite a lot, as i am judging a mock trial tournament, but there's NO WAY i'm climbing up and down all those hills at the university of kansas in dress shoes. that would be bad even if my feet weren't already killing me.

screw women's dress clothing. i should live the rest of my life in drag.

Monday, October 25, 2004

i have nothing to say, and i am saying it, and that means i am procrastinating instead of working.

i'm listening to breaking benjamin...did i mention how much i love that band? they're coming to chicago next month, but the tickets cost a million dollars apiece 'cause they're opening for korn. that makes me sad, because korn is not very good. it would be nice if they were playing their own headlining tour, and playing at metro or house of blues or something. that would rock my world.

i look like such a boy today. baseball cap, baggy t-shirt, men's jeans...the only thing i'm missing is the requisite body structure. whatever...i'm as drag as i can get away with for work, and it makes me happy.
it's monday. i'm neither feeling bad nor feeling good, i'm just kind of existing. i'm waiting, slogging through the week, wanting it to be friday. friday means i can get out of town, go see my boyfriend, go to kansas and judge mock trial. friday means another week down of barcoding books. friday means renewal.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

...i actually have 3 1/2 pages of personal statement written. maybe they're not half-bad, who knows? i'll have to cut it, condense it, let my friends read and edit it...but i will have a personal statement.

applying for law school is still scary, but at least i have a few scraps now. i decided that i am going to indeed blog my novel. i will be blogging my novel at, and you're all invited to read along as i bumble through.
"a few words"
by shades of fiction

what's going on
they'll infiltrate and steal it all then run away
but you gave your life and stood by your side
impressions make those lucid shapes
combined to all of our mistakes
but i'll give my life and stand by your side
i never told you this but i owe you my pathetic life
and everytime i come around i'll always give you my all

i keep holding on to golden days
but realizing time and time again
i've got this defining spark
and I'm not alone this time
i never told you this but i owe you my pathetic life
and everytime i come around i'll always give you my all

i understand
now that everytime i'm down i'll always find you
inside my heart
though the world is so cold
can't be yourself or find space to breathe
a bastard child alone in the sun
still learning how to shed my skin
now you start to make sense to me

i never told you this but i owe you my pathetic life
and everytime i come around i'll always give you my all
i understand, that everytime i'm down i'll always find you
inside my heart
inside my heart
just listen
i just have to say these few words
it's still no better. i still have nothing written but a page of cutesie, introductory anecdote filler. my face isn't streaked with tears anymore, but that's because i've been willing myself not to cry--and now my head hurts a little from choking back the tears, and my throat too. i need to write this thing, i need to snap myself out of this funk, but nothing works. i don't even have anything new to say in condemnation of myself, i still just feel like an unqualified fraud.
now i'm crying my eyes out in the a-level of the reg. it seems as though the more people encourage me and tell me things are going to be okay, the more i feel like a fraud.
...there's totally a guy in the a-level who looks like a skinnier, scruffier version of Stalker Boy. it's clearly not him, because he looks closer to 20 and not 26 (which is how old Stalker Boy must be by now...), but it's still extremely creepy. i don't like being reminded of that jerk.
i should be writing my personal statement for law school, but instead i'm updating this. i have everything in front of me i need to be writing it...the book i'm going to quote, the notes i made when i got all the inspiration for my topic, a computer with a word processing program... i have everything i need except for motivation and self-confidence. any honest personal statement about me would be one to three pages about why i'm a lazy, unmotivated slob unworthy of flipping burgers, much less going to a decent law school.

but, i have to pretend. i have to act. i have to channel brook sills...who was an incompetent security guard who got on that witness stand and appeared perfectly competent in trial. i incompetent, worthless girl who has enough scraps to pull together and have a shot at successfully pretending to be worthy of a seat in law school.

applying to college wasn't like this at all, i felt like i had the world at my feet because i was the big fish in a small pond. i thought i'd be a big fish in a larger pond. i then realised that i was a mediocre fish in that pond...and it doesn't bother me. should it bother me? should i be satisfied? i am, sort of, and i hate myself for it at times like this.

i should bite the bullet. i should pretend. i should get out of this screen, and open up word, and write that personal statement. i can come up with one to three double-spaced pages that will make them think i have something deeper than beer, baseball, boobies, and self-loathing going on in my head, right?

Friday, October 22, 2004

don't want to think about working on law school applications tomorrow...feeling worthless again...urge to die again rising.

so much for any lasting, meaningful catharsis.
3pm...and i'm still at harper. i've gotten more books barcoded than i can count right now. i'm feeling better, but still find it necessary to serve my penance, all day in harper storage.

anyway, a few amusements...i know, it's shocking, but i'm at the point where fark can amuse me, can help my mood.

first of all, i want to be her when i'm sixty-four. that would absolutely rock.

secondly...ann coulter sucks. throw pies at her.

purgation of the emotions.

it doesn't necessarily have to be permanent, but enough to tide me over.

and, i've found it in a 37-year-old book of yugoslavian laws.

i'm functional now.

don't ask why.
...random realisation. i was editing my "mental playlist" sidebar. "so cold" by breaking benjamin...i had to take it off there, because even that is too happy for me today. "run" by snow patrol is verging on the inappropriate, but it reminds me of the complete lack of logic of people standing by me, and of the fact that i'm a lost puppy dog right about now, so that goes on there.

back to the basement, to cry, barcode, and die.
"i've gone insane...and i'm the one to blame"

two hours down, six to go. nothing's any better, but at least barcoding books is a little distracting. it's slow going, there are runs of books without pocket cards, so i just have to copy down the barcode on another card.

i've listened to "figure 8" by memento about six times down there, just over and over again. my actual song of the day, the one i NEED is "analogue" by spirit creek, but i don't have a recording of that song anywhere. it's ringing in my head, in a twisted sort of interpretation...the song is about having something real and true (in the explicit case of the song, religion, although it doesn't beat you over the head with it, and i'm free to interpret it how i want...), and rebelling against false things that other people claim.

"i'm not your black
i'm not your white
i'm not your
it's the same old nothing
someone else's something"

but, in the case of today...i'm the same old nothing, i'm someone else's something. i'm that false thing that way too many people mistake for true. i'm pretending at life...hoping not to llet myself down, hoping not to let everyone else down, but i don't have anything behind that hope except for...blindness and naivete. no strength, no confidence, no emotional wherewithal. it's becoming clearer and clearer that failure is a self-fulfilling prophecy...whether or not the people who believe in me at all are right, i know in my heart i'm going to fail at everything i try, so i'm going to fail at everything i try.

it scares me that i'm working on law school applications tomorrow.
i can't deal with being alone today...indeed alone with all my wrongs, as the title of this blog so aptly puts it (or, as stroke 9 so aptly put it, and i stole.) therefore, i'm going to spend as long in the basement as humanly possible, maybe all a sick sort of penance for being a bad person, as a sick sort of penance for the nervous breakdown i had last night, as a sick sort of penance for being a burden on everyone and everything, as a sick sort of penance for being me.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

i was on full tilt, and someone was miffed that another player made a huge raise. she made the most clever comment to that effect i've ever heard:

"don't scare my money away!"

i should use that sometime. it amuses me greatly.
...because it just deserves saying--suck it, yankees. you were up 3-0 in the series, and you blew it. to the red sox. i couldn't be happier! it's not like i have any particular affinity for the red sox, since they're almost as bad with throwing money around and buying wins as the yankees, but at least they're the yankees' big rivals...they get the yanks fans all roiled up...and they're not from new york. that counts for a lot. (i don't see them as a God figure in baseball, but rather the anti-satan, or the anti-antichrist)

anyway, it was SOOOOOOOOOO sweet to see the yankees lose four straight...two of them at yankee stadium...i love seeing evil teams fail.

now, it's time for st. louis to take out the astros in game seven, and then give the red sox a good whupping. the cards are the only team left in the playoffs that i can really root for, as opposed to rooting against the other guys., alan keyes was supposed to speak at the law school today at 12:15, but that has been cancelled. that's a shame, although i'd be a liar to say that i'm shocked or surprised by his cancellation.

i was going to protest his appearance today over lunch. outlaw (the queer law student group) and queers and associates (the undergrad queer group) were going to lead a protest. it was funny...i was telling friends of mine that i was planning to join in this. see, alan keyes has no chance whatsoever of taking out barack obama in the election. some of my friends thought it was cool that i was planning to protest--some of them thought it was rather silly, and that i should just ignore him and he'd go away. what i realised this morning was that reactions were pretty much divided along lines of sexuality--my straight friends generally said that if you ignore him he'll go away, and my queer friends said that it was awesome that i was going to protest. he's far on the social right wing on a lot of things--but what he's been catching possibly more flak for than anything is that he's a raving homophobe. he calls queers "selfish hedonists". the way i see it...protesting homophobes, especially homophobes in politics, can never be a bad thing, and can never be a fruitless thing. it's his position that people who are not straight are second class citizens, and i'm not going to take it.

like my wonderful lesbian roommate and i concluded this morning...he's a bad person, and bad people should be protested.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

just about 4:30, and unless i want to go back to harper storage, i need to feign working for the next thirty minutes.

hopefully by the time i'm back downstairs (i'm in the stacks now) my boss's boss will be gone, i'll be off of boss alert, and i can happily surf until 5pm when i can get the heck out of here to go drink beer and watch baseball.
most scattered post ever--bullet point time!

--i actually slept last night...the deejay from q101 never called me to tape the segment. that sucks (maybe i'll do it another day?!?! i hope...), but i did get some much-needed shut-eye last night. score.

--proof i'm insane--i got my 5000th post on today. go me. :)

--red sox forced a game seven. joe west, the ump we heckled last month at the expos/marlins game, made a key call in the eighth inning. it was baseball amusement at its finest. let's see the yanks choke again tonight!!!

--i'm doing nano next month...i'm trying to decide whether i should blog my novel or not. i don't want anyone stealing it, but i don't think anyone would anyway. besides, it would be kind of fun to watch it develop online. any thoughts on whether i should blog it or not? (for all of you who wouldn't want to read it here...if i blog my novel, i won't blog it on this blog...i'd just provide a link between this blog here and my novel-blog.)

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

mock trial practice out...i'm still tired, but i feel so much better. i'm starting to gain a bit of confidence as a mock trial coach...sometimes i have somewhat valuable input, and people listen to me! yay! i still feel a little unsure when i rule on objections, i'm always afraid i'm going to make an obviously stupid ruling 'cause i was never an attorney, be it. no one's perfect, i guess.

(although my life would be a heck of a lot easier if i were.)
it's almost three. i'm doing no better. i'm about to get coffee. i'm also about to pass out...not anymore because of the heat, that has abated, but now because of sheer tiredness. let's hope the coffee kicks in before the passing-out does.
i hate my job right now.

i have to barcode books in the storage area in the basement of harper. the range i'm working on is right by the boiler. i'm about to die.

yesterday my ratio of boss-alert time to not-boss-alert time was, for the first time ever, above 1. that curbs my morale a lot.

i've had an enormous case of insomnia this week; i slept like crap last night too.

at least tonight, i'll make something good of my insomnia--i was picked to do the 3am "bathroom break" show on q101--where the deejay just leaves, and lets a listener deejay three songs of her/his choice. in other words, if you're bored and still awake at 3am tonight, and you're in chicago, PLEEEEEEEEEASE turn to q101! you'll get to listen to me, and hear three songs that haven't seen radio airwaves since (gasp) the nineties.

but, until i get off work and go to mock, life blows.

Monday, October 18, 2004

i don't have any right or reason to feel as down as i do right now, but i really do. maybe it's lack of sleep...maybe it's the dark cloud that seemed to be hanging over my apartment last night...maybe it's just again getting used to not having my boyfriend next to me after 40 hours by his side. i don't know what it is, but frankly, it just needs to go away.

i want to go home and sleep and get away, but no can do. i have to go return some library books now. maybe i'll find some good material to distract me from whatever is ailing me.
"boulevard of broken dreams"
by green day

i walk a lonely road
the only one that i have ever known
don't know where it goes
but it's home to me and i walk alone
i walk this empty street
on the boulevard of broken dreams
where the city sleeps
and i'm the only one and i walk alone

i walk alone
i walk alone
i walk alone
i walk a...

my shadow's the only one that walks beside me
my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
sometimes i wish someone out there will find me
'til then i walk alone

i'm walking down the line that divides me somewhere in my mind
on the border line of the edge and where i walk alone
read between the lines
what's fucked up and everything's all right
check my vital signs to know i'm still alive
and i walk alone

i walk alone
i walk alone
i walk alone
i walk a...

my shadow's the only one that walks beside me
my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
sometimes i wish someone out there will find me
'til then i walk alone

i walk this empty street
on the boulevard of broken dreams
where the city sleeps
and i'm the only one and i walk a...

my shadow's the only one that walks beside me
my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
sometimes i wish someone out there will find me
'til then i walk away
i'm not dead.

quite the contrary, i had a wonderful weekend. :) my boyfriend came to town. i hadn't seen him in four weeks, and it was great to see him again. i'm so happy that i won't have to go that long without seeing him again, at least for a long while, since i'm going to the jayhawk mock trial invitational with him in two weeks, and then we'll both be at the shucker two weeks after that. he got in really late on friday we chilled in on friday night. saturday, we went out to go see team america--that movie just plain rules, no two ways about it. he was dying to see it, and i wanted to see it too, so we went. it was so funny--no one's political views were safe, but matt stone and trey parker are such geniuses that it all remained on the hilarious side of offensive. after that, we were originally planning to get together with some other friends of mine and go to the pub, but that didn't we ended up hanging out with a few friends in my living room, being enormous nerds. i can't really explain what we did...except that it involved assigning random entries in reference books to ourselves and our friends. sunday was pretty lazy, it involved watching sports and playing monopoly. then he had to leave, about 4:30, which made me sad, but i know he had to.

the rest of the day, i sat around and watched baseball. cardinals lost, not cool. red sox won...that's good, i doubt they'll win the next three, too, but it'll be one more game to tire the yanks out a bit.

then i went to bed. it didn't work out so well, i was awake for three hours in the middle of the night, and then slept badly otherwise. so now, it's monday morning, noon thirty, and i feel like absolute crap.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

i generally have a no-silly-surveys policy in this blog, but i'm soooooooooooo bored right now. this one looked fun, i found it on a completely random blog.

1) What's your favorite Girl Scout Cookie?
yummm, tagalongs. the peanut butter and chocolate ones. they're so good. i haven't had them since high school, when one of my friends stayed in girl scouts all the way through high school. i would buy them from her; i looked forward to the once a year i could buy them. i'd get a box or two, and then i would stash them in my top drawer so no one would take them. problem was, sometimes my siblings would break into my drawer, dig under all of my clean underwear, and steal my cookies anyway. ugh.

2) Do you prefer small town life or big city life?
big city, of course. there's just so much more to do in a big city...i need to be around all the people, the whole music scene, the proliferation of places to shop and drink and amuse myself and just occupy space. i've never lived in a true small town, but i grew up in raleigh, north carolina...a "city" (read: sprawling suburb of nothing) of 280,000 people, and there still wasn't enough there for me.

3) The Cure's "Boys don't cry" or "Just like Heaven"?
i don't know, i don't listen to the cure. i don't like the cure very much. but, as for a title, i think i like the title "boys don't cry" better. no reason, maybe it's just that i'm not feeling so heavenly today.

4) Violent femmes or Sex Pistols?
sex pistols, of course. the violent femmes get on my nerves, they're quirky but not my kind of quirky. the sex pistols are bloody, dirty, and british...three things that i really can't find fault with. plus, they're punk rock, and punk rock is a lot of fun.

5) Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups or Pieces?
i love them both, but if i have to pick one, i'd pick reese's peanut butter cups. i think the peanut butter in the cups tastes better. what's actually even better are the holiday permutations of peanut butter cups that come out during the holidays: eggs, trees, i think they have pumpkins or ghosts for halloween, even. they're overgrown peanut butter cups, with lots of the yummy peanut butter inside. regular peanut butter just never tastes as good as whatever they use inside the reese's cups...i really wish they sold the filling in jars so i could buy it.

6) Morning sex or drunk sex?
i prefer morning sex. i actually don't like either a whole heck of a lot. morning, sometimes, if i'm not feeling that groggy...usually i need a little while to wake up before doing anything naughty. drunk sex is generally unpleasant for me...even though being drunk makes me more flirtatious, it kills my mood for anything more than making out.

7) Britney or Christina?
if i have to choose, i'd choose christina aguilera. i don't like either of them...but christina aguilera's a better singer, and some of her really strange outfits are lots of fun. also, she hasn't made a mockery of marriage yet. it was rather funny, speaking of britney spears and marriage, i was reading an article on yahoo yesterday, and britney said that she wants to change her name to britney federline, but society wouldn't allow her to. that's rather silly, it's still perfectly acceptable to change your name. sure, her fans would probably keep calling her britney spears, but that's not the same thing as society condemning her choice. that made me mad to read.

8) Where were you born?
i was born at the seventh-day adventist hospital in kettering, ohio. i lived in ohio (dayton, to be exact) for two years. i don't remember it there at all.

9) Pirates or zombies?
pirates. pirates amuse me. pirates also remind me of a funny, silly private message my boyfriend sent me on perjuries, for no particular reason.

10) Hardcore or emo?
i like them both, but i listen to more emo, so i'll go with that one. hardcore is pretty hit-or-miss with me, it's hard to describe which hardcore i like and which hardcore i don't like beyond anything but "i listened to it and liked it" or "i listened to it and wanted to smash the stereo in with a cinder block". emo, however...most of it is perfect for a sullen, whiny bitch like me.

11) Dodge ball or red light greenlight?
dodgeball, because i always enjoyed throwing the ball at people. by all logic, i should hate dodgeball...i was definitely the fat, unathletic, unpopular kid who everyone liked to pelt with dodgeballs. it sucked a little, but i didn't care all that much since it was part of the game. but, sometimes my aim wasn't so bad, and i hit people. whenever i did that, i felt extremely proud of myself.

12) Did you get spanked when you were a kid?
i got spanked a few times when i misbehaved. the only time i remember was the one time i got whupped with a belt. i was in third grade, and i had learned the word "twit" at school, as one of my cursive-writing practice words. later that year, i was trying to convince my mother to let me do the after-school program at school instead of coming straight home. my mother said no, and my mother seemed extremely offended that i wanted to do it, that i was pushing so hard to do it. in the course of the argument, i proceeded to call my mother a twit. she left the room, came back with one of my father's belts, and beat me with it, telling me never to call her that again, and that i wouldn't get to do the after-school program. i don't recall how many times she hit me with it, it was at least eight or ten. i never called her a twit again...but i still wanted to go to after-school care.

13) Do you get spanked now (sexually)?
i'm not answering this, for two reasons. first of all, the easy one to explain...most of you who read this know me, and see me every day or so, and therefore any answer to this would be too much information--something you would not want to know about me. second of all, it's good to use a little discretion about my sexual habits and proclivities anyway.
it's kind of funny, i really don't care about what people know about casual sexual encounters with people that don't mean anything to me. if someone prods me for details about those, i will more than likely give them. it may be tmi, but if they ask,'s no skin off my back. the friend/acquaintance will probably never meet that particular partner, and the act itself was meaningless if the person and i were using each other as human sex toys. but, as for telling people what i do or don't do with someone that means a lot to me...that's a no-no, out of respect for my significant other and the relationship. there should be secrets, and sexual behaviour and proclivities are among them.

14) Do you like it?
i think my previous answer covers this one rather well, too.

15) Where do you hope to be in 5 years?
practicing law in a large midwestern city. i can't really say any more than that...i hope it's some sort of trial advocacy. in a perfect world, it would be public defense or public interest litigation, but i seriously doubt that such a job will pay off my law school loans. thus, i'll probably have to spend the beginning of my career whoring myself off in a law firm until i can pay the bills off, and then move to another, more conscionable job after i've paid off the bill collectors and made a name for myself in the field.

16) Do you believe in love?
this is a strangely phrased question, "believe" in love? do i think it exists, do i think i have the capacity to feel something i call "love"? yes, yes i do. but, love means different things to just about anyone. love encompasses strong feelings, manifested in different ways...and saying whether or not you "believe" in it is the same thing as believing in hate, or rage, or psychological addiction.

17) Do you believe in witchcraft?
it's not my chosen path to God, no. still, like any religion, i believe it can hold power for the people who believe in it.

18) Explain a holiday memory:
one christmas (i do not remember which one it was, but i couldn't have been older than six or seven), i woke up at 5:30 am in order to get a jump on opening presents. no one else was up, so i started digging in. the first present i opened was from santa, and it was a sky blue care bear. my mother woke up, came down the hallway, and caught me opening the present. she told me to stop opening it, and then tried to tape the paper back up around the care bear, so i could "open" it again with everyone there. she then sent me back to bed, but i couldn't fall back asleep. i just lied there until everyone else got up, and then opened presents with them.

19) If you could be a virgin again would you?
absolutely not. when i was a virgin, i had read a lot about sex, but i was absolutely scared of doing it, or even coming close to doing it, because i thought it would somehow fundamentally change me, that i wouldn't be the same again. it's true, it did change me irreparably, but in a good made me more familiar with it, it made me aware of and willing to explore my feelings surrounding it, and it made me realise that book learning alone about sex pales compared to actual sexual experience. (not to disparage sex books, i still love to read about sex.) it also led me to the discovery that sex can either be joined with love or not, and either one can be just as valid--they're just different creatures.

20) Would you ever consider being open sexually to someone of the same sex?
most definitely, i would. i'd go into a rant, but i just went into one a few days ago so i'll spare you from hearing it again.

21) Type some of the lyrics of one of your favorite songs:
"shield your eyes dear mother
from the pain that hovers round the mess of a man you've uncovered
drink it down dear brother
their generation smothers you and they'll leave no trail to discover
build a callus sister
their generation blisters
we'll blister"
by the verve pipe

22) Do you sleep with a teddy bear, blankie, or in girlfriend's/boyfriend's clothes?
stuffed animals...i used to sleep with a lot, although the only one on my bed right now is my eeyore. the rest of them are sitting elsewhere in my room. maybe i should return them to my bed, but they're not coming back to my bed at least until the end of the weekend, since my boyfriend is coming to town this weekend.

23) Do you believe long distance relationships would work?
i think they can work, indeed. i seem to have a penchant for getting into long distance relationships, and i'm currently in one right now. both people have to have the energy and the desire to carry on the relationship despite not getting to see each other as often as they want. also, anyone in a long distance relationship absolutely must enjoy talking on the phone for long periods of time.

24) Have you ever dated some one off of myspace/friendster?
i've never used either myspace or friendster, much less dated anyone off of them. i heard about friendster a few times, but never decided to log in. as for stalking websites, i'm rather partial to, but i have not dated anyone i have met off of that website either. actually, i have not actually met anyone in person as a direct result of seeing their profile on the facebook.

25) How many people? (don’t fucking lie):
if you didn't read my last

26) What's more important: money, friendship, power or love?
i'd say either friendship or love...because you really can't separate the two. a really good, deep friendship is a kind of love in itself--it's not a romantic or physical type of love, but it is a deep emotional connection. that's what i would say is the most important thing--at least some strong connections to other people. whether you want to call it friendship, love, or anything else is really up to you.

27) Would you sleep with someone on the first date?
if it felt like the right thing to do at the time, i absolutely would. if i felt like the relationship was going in that direction, and i was comfortable, i would. if there was no possibility for a relationship, but we were both otherwise single and out for a good time, i would. but, if for any reason i didn't think it was a good idea, i wouldn't. it's just something i have to decide by feel.

28) How do you like your grilled cheese sandwiches?
just barely grilled in butter, with nice, sharp cheddar cheese. i like the grilled cheese sandwiches at the medici. sometimes i get bacon in them, which is also good. still, they're best plain with cheddar cheese. just don't burn them, that's just nasty.

29) What do you listen to when your heart is broken?
matchbox20's first album, yourself or someone like you. it's my depressed-about-something-human album, because it just taps into my ability to feel sad and broken so well. it makes me feel better, in a perverted way, just to know at least someone else felt like me, at one point.

30) Do you believe trust is earned, or do you think everyone gets a shot?
everyone gets a shot, at first--i'm such a trusting person. but, they betray it once, and it's almsot impossible to earn it back. i think it's symptomatic of the fact that i've been hurt and betrayed so many times...i need people to trust, to feel close to, to depend on sometimes. but, if they mess up once on something major, it's extremely hard, if not impossible to earn it back.

31) What do you mix your vodka with?
nothing, anything, and/or everything. vodka is definitely my favourite hard liquor. it's a pretty smooth shot, at least to tastes like very little. it's a pretty standard mixing liquor, i guess my favourite things to mix it with are juices. mmmm, i could go for a vodka and cranberry right about now. i haven't had one in forever, and those things are darn good.

32) What was your favorite Saturday morning cartoon?
i never liked cartoons all that much until i was older, and then i got into non-children's cartoons, shows like beavis and butt-head, south park, and adult swim. i liked the simpsons when i was younger, but that wasn't a saturday morning cartoon at all. this is just a really long way of saying that i didn't have a favourite saturday morning cartoon, unless it was a dream going on behind my eyelids. by the time i was old enough to be allowed to watch cartoons (which was in kindergarten), i liked to play nintendo on saturday mornings instead of watching television.

33) Did you ever watch kids incorporated?
i know i watched it, but i don't remember anything substantive about it. all i remember is part of the theme song..."looks like we made kids incorporated...k-i-d-s!" i don't even remember what the show was about, or anything. i think i preferred reading anyway, even when i was a kid i would have rather read a book than watched television.

34) What is your favorite John Hughes film ?
i didn't even know who john hughes was until i looked him up just now in imdb. most of the movies i had never seen--the only one i had seen was ferris bueller's day off. that movie was okay... i think i was just way too old when i saw that movie for the first time. i would have thought ferris bueller was God, or at least the coolest person on earth, if i had seen that movie at the age of 13. but, i did not see that movie until i was 19, when my best friend sat me down in front of his television set and told me that i was watching it. it was kind of fun, but it was not the epiphany that it was for so many members of generations x and y. it was just...a movie that i could have taken or left.

35) What did you think of House of 1000 corpses by Rob Zombie?
i never saw it. i saw ads for it, and it looked like kind of an interesting movie, kind of a fun little horror flick, but the same thing happened with that movie as happens with almost every other movie i sort of want to see. i just never made it out to the movie theatre to see it. the only time i ever do make it out to the movies is if someone i know really wants to go see it, and we therefore end up making a special effort to go out. but, it's always spearheaded by someone else, not me. i'm not a very big movie watcher, movies are something i very rarely go out of my way to see. i think the last movie i went out of my way to see, actually dragged myself to a movie theatre alone, was ghost world.

36) What do you do for work?
i work at a library. i barcode books, and then i type the barcodes into the computer and update the item records. it's boring, but it's wonderful because i can do stuff like this instead of actually working on my work. it's also wonderful because the schedule is flexible enough. it's the perfect job for someone taking an extremely lazy year off between college and law school.

37) What is your dream job?
i've got two--i'd either love to be a rock singer or a professional poker player. i'm pretty good at both of those things, although i don't think i'm good enough at either of them to actually sustain a career in either of them. in any realistic sense, i want to be a trial lawyer...which is the job i really want. it's right below those two on the jobs-i-want scale (i get to argue for a living, for crying out loud!), but it's not nearly as precarious as trying to make a living in music or gambling.

38)Who is your favorite Peanuts Gang Character?
i can't say i ever really had a favourite peanuts character. i love snoopy because he's a dog, and dogs are just plain adorable. woodstock was also really cool, because he never actually talked in words. (i bet the cheat was at least somewhat based on woodstock, a little yellow guy who speaks unintelligibly.) and linus...i have a soft spot for linus because my school did you're a good man, charlie brown my senior year, and the guy i had a huge crush on played linus.

39) Broken hearts or a broken arm ?
broken arm, of course. a broken arm will heal. a broken heart will not. then again, i don't think i've ever had a broken heart, in any real sense. i'm more of the heartbreaking type. once i read this column that said that people are classified as "dumpers" and "dumpees". i'm most definitely a dumper--if something's not working out, and it can't be fixed, i'm out, and i'm not afraid to end the relationship. it was always the most logical way for me.

40) Clubs or bars?
i prefer bars. clubs are so snooty, hip, and fashionable, and i'm none of that at all. i love a nice divey bar with cheap drinks...and either a good atmosphere to talk in (a la the pub or jimmy's), or a rock music stage with good local bands playing (a la the brewery [in raleigh, nc]). sure, there are snooty, expensive bars, in places like lincoln park or river north or downtown, but i try to avoid those. i am not a yuppie.

41)Whats the best show you've ever been to?
the summer before college started, i saw finger eleven and down cycle at the brewery in raleigh. it was an amazing show...finger eleven put on the most passionate live performance i have ever seen. i was right up near the stage, since the show was at this tiny dive bar in downtown raleigh. they played my favourite song of theirs, "sick of it all"--i've seen them twice since and they have not played that song. words fail me...the entire audience and the band just fed off of each other, and made something amazing. down cycle, a local raleigh band who opened, was also very good...i had never heard them before, but they were a treat.

42) Do you have a crush?
crush really isn't the right word to describe it anymore when i've been dating him for six months, right?

43) Who were you in high school?
freshman year, i was a girl who tried and failed to be liked by people. i was socially screwed, since the two people at my middle school, in my grade, who were my friends went to different high schools--one went to the magnet school and one moved to georgia. i was socially inept, and sat by myself at the lunch table every single day. sophomore through senior years, i was still socially inept, but i cared a lot less about it. i had a friend or two, a few casual acquaintances, and was comfortable enough with people to at least sit with them at lunch, even though they may not have been my best friends in the world. i was involved in a lot of stuff, but i was your stereotypical, classical, brainy loner.

44) Do you believe in astrology?
not in the least. i find it rather one of my friends once put it, i refuse to plan my life based on when my parents had sex. sure, horoscopes are a lot of fun to read, but they're always so vague that just about anyone can find things in their life or their days to map to each little platitude in the horoscope.

45) Do you believe in angels?
no, i don't. maybe it's depressing that i don't believe in angels, but i don't. that's not to say i don't believe in any sort of afterlife, i'm still on the fence about that general concept, but i really don't think that the dead watch over the living, or anyhow interact with them.

46) Do you believe in ghosts?
i don't think i do. i've never actually seen one, it's never been a useful model to explain anything away. then again...ghosts are just a spooky version of angels, right? believe in one, it's most consistent to believe in the least to me.

47) Don't lie: do you like bon Jovi's album?
i've never listened to a bon jovi album. besides, don't they have a ton? this i can admit: there are a few bon jovi songs that are guilty pleasures for me. it's my on a prayer...always...all three of these songs i sing along to, and enjoy myself during, in spite of myself.
if bill o'reilly didn't suck enough he's being sued for sexual harassment. the smoking gun has a copy of the complaint in the suit. the complaint includes some transcripts of phone conversations between bill o'reilly and his accuser...and if you want to be completely disgusted (and perversely, i'm going to go to hell for saying this, amused), start with point number 77 and read through to point 82.

bill o'reilly needs to get slammed for this.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

i did win a poker tourney last night. it was a small tourney, only 12 people, but it was a $20 buy-in so the first prize was $120. :) i started off really hot, about ten minutes into the tournament, i flopped quad eights and doubled up after a full house called my all-in. i was up to about $100 in chips (we started with $50) after that, i started not seeing a darn thing, and my stack dwindled down to about $58 by the time there were five or six people left. then, i just set fire...i knocked out the last three people to win the tournament, my stack just kept growing. one hand i was just about knocked out on, we were down to three people. i went-in with ace-ten, and someone with ace-queen called me; he had me covered. i got so lucky--a ten fell, and i doubled my stack. the knocking-out i did was pretty straightforward...i knocked out the fourth place finisher when my king-jack took out his pocket eights, the third-place finisher when my ace high beat his king high, and then the second-place finisher when my ace-king flopped a straight to take out his king-six (it was suited, but no flush came.) it was pretty nice to win a poker tournament...maybe i'm getting somewhat back into the swing of tourney poker. we'll see again tomorrow, i guess.
very bizarre exchange with my friend over lunch today...

her: "it's a travesty, a sham, and a mockery! a traveshamockery!"
me: "what, the fact that i didn't want coke or the fact that dennis hutchinson is not wearing all black?"
her: "the fact that you're not wearing coke."
this sequence of pictures is way, way, way too funny.

"I was able to return the dirt for a router."
"disappear" by hoobastank is on radio wazee now.

that song is so bad. i've never heard it before...

they always sounded like an incubus clone. this song isn't an incubus clone, but it's arguably worse than that. it's a clone of recent (post the state) nickelback. there's no reason for the original, much less a clone.

then again, nickelback could have been good. the state was a good album. then they got boring, and therefore started to suck--it makes me sad to think that the same band that did "leader of men" and "breathe" could produce such drivel as they're making now, i can't even remember any of the names of their new songs.

okay, i'll stop ranting about bad music now.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

so, i read the most disconcerting article yesterday. sinclair broadcasting is forcing all its stations to play an anti-kerry documentary a week and a half before the election. that seems to me to be a blatant run-around of equal time rules, and a very sleazy campaign tactic. sinclair should be sued, or the feds should slap an injunction telling them not to broadcast the show. that, or they should also air commercial free, during prime time, an anti-bush documentary a la fahrenheit 9/11.

Anti-Kerry film sparks DNC response
Sinclair Broadcast Group orders its 62 stations to show movie next week; DNC files FEC complaint.

October 12, 2004: 9:31 AM EDT
By Katie Benner, CNN/Money staff writer

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Sinclair Broadcast Group, owner of the largest chain of television stations in the nation, plans to air a documentary that accuses Sen. John Kerry of betraying American prisoners during the Vietnam War, a newspaper reported Monday.

The reported plan prompted the Democratic National Committee to file a complaint against Sinclair with the Federal Election Commission.

Sinclair has ordered all 62 of its stations to air "Stolen Honor: Wounds That Never Heal" without commercials in prime-time next week, the Washington Post reported, just two weeks before the Nov. 2 election.

Affiliates owned by the major television networks reach a larger percentage of U.S. homes because they are in the largest markets.

Calls to Sinclair by CNN/Money were not returned Monday.

This is the first time the DNC has filed a legal motion against a media organization, said group spokesman Jano Cabrera. Earlier this year, said a DNC statement, Sinclair-owned stations refused to air DNC ads criticizing President Bush.

The complaint to be filed with the FEC states it is inappropriate for the Sinclair Broadcasting Group to air partisan propaganda in the last 10 days of an election campaign, said Cabrera.

No one from the FEC was available to comment on the DNC complaint.

"We have received thousands of e-mails, people outraged by the very idea a company like Sinclair would direct stations to air a partisan film," said Wes Boyd, founder of left-leaning political group,

"If they do air a partisan film, we'll challenge the FCC and the licenses of the local stations that broadcast the film because local stations have a responsibility to the community to air real news, not partisan messages," said Boyd.

The company made news in April when it ordered seven of its ABC-affiliated stations not to air a "Nightline" segment that featured a reading of the names of U.S. soldiers killed in Iraq; a Sinclair executive called that broadcast "contrary to the public interest."

Campaign violation?
A Bush campaign spokesman said the camp has nothing to do with Sinclair Broadcasting, the anti-Kerry film or Sinclair's plan to air the film just before this year's tight election.

Sinclair executives have shown support for the Bush campaign. Sinclair CEO David Smith contributed the legal limit of $2,000 Bush-Cheney 2004, and vice president Frederick Smith gave $175,000 to the RNC and maxed out his Bush-Cheney contribution.

FEC records show that two other top level Sinclair executives gave the maximum amount they could to Bush-Cheney.

Sinclair executives have given nearly $68,000 in political contributions, 97 percent of it going to Republicans, since the beginning of the year, according to the Los Angeles Times.

Media Matters for America, a liberal watchdog group, has written a letter to Sinclair asking the company to cancel reported plans to air the film between now and the Nov. 2 election. The Post reports the movie is about Kerry's antiwar testimony to Congress in 1971 and was produced independently of Sinclair.

"Sinclair's plan to air anti-Kerry propaganda before the election is an abuse of the public airwaves for what appears to be partisan political purposes," Media Matters CEO David Brock said in the letter.

The letter warned Sinclair that its plan could constitute a violation of broadcast regulations requiring equal time for political candidates, as well as the McCain-Feingold campaign finance law, the group said.

Federal campaign finance law states it is illegal for a corporation to contribute anything of value to a federal campaign or a national political committee, including broadcast communications, said Cabrera.

Kerry's team said Sinclair was clearly trying to manipulate the outcome of the election because of the broadcaster's ties to the Bush administration. "

This is another example of President Bush's powerful corporate friends doing his dirty work," said Chad Clanton, a spokesman with the Kerry campaign.

"They know Kerry (will not bow) to their corporate interests, so they're willing to break journalistic principles to try and stop him."

Sinclair (SBGI: unchanged at $7.38, Research, Estimates) stock fell in afternoon trading on Nasdaq.

this is just reprehensible...anyone who tries to argue for a liberal media bias must look no further than this to be completely shot down.

there's not a sinclair station in chicago...but if there is a sinclair station where you live (look it up here), PLEASE call them and express your displeasure at this move. sinclair station or not in your market, sign the petition to stop them. tell your friends, tell people you know, post online about it. word needs to get out...i've seen a bit about this in the news, but not's just plain disconcerting that sinclair might get away with this, and they just can't.
the biggest jerk ever wrote into savage love today...and dan savage ripped him a new one. dan get a cookie. "what's the point", whoever you are...if i ever meet you, i will cut off your balls.

I have a friend at my university who is shockingly hot. She is also a 21-year-old virgin. She doesn't think that premarital sex is a sin, but she says that she wants to remain pure for her future husband. She also says she thinks about sex a lot, but remains virginal anyway. I think she is wasting a perfectly hot body, and denying herself (and us guys) a basic human pleasure. Besides, she would be doing her future husband a favor by gaining a bit of experience. Forgive me if you have covered this issue before, but can you please inform her of the many reasons NOT to remain a virgin at 21?
What's The Point?

The best reason for a shockingly hot woman NOT to remain a virgin at 21, WTP, is a sincere desire on the part of the shockingly hot woman to cease being a virgin. There are, of course, all sorts of good reasons why people should sleep around a bit before they settle down, and I've covered them in previous columns. But if a hot woman wants to remain a virgin, you have to respect her choice. And if, by remaining a virgin, she's denying her perfectly hot body to the kind of guys who regard hot women's bodies as public amenities, well, I'm gonna get her back. If I were a woman with a hot body, and I was given a choice between virginity and sleeping with guys who believe that women with hot bodies are obligated to sleep with them, I might choose virginity, too.
an old quote from one of my friends that bears repeating, because it's awesome and i just remembered it...

"people are like fishes. they're really stupid."
my roommate was reading a comic called jim's journal last night.

he said it was pretty funny.

i started reading it, and it was indeed pretty funny.

now i'm thinking of my day as panels from jim's journal.

Monday, October 11, 2004

guilty pleasure alert...i have to admit, i LOOOOOOOOVE the song "we're all to blame" by sum 41. never liked any of their other songs, but this one's just catchy and enjoyable and just plain doesn't suck.

i know the fact that i even like one sum 41 song makes me a bad person, but i don't care. sue me. it's good.

"and we're all to blame
we've gone too far
from pride to shame
we're trying so hard
we're dying in vain
we're hopelessly blissful and blind
to all we are
we want it all
with no sacrifice"
shocking. absolutely shocking.

"In an assessment of the civil rights record of the Bush administration, the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights released a draft report that concludes the administration has failed to exhibit leadership or define a clear focus, relegating civil rights to a low priority. "
so, today is national coming out day...a toast to all who have the courage. i had hinted at it for several years before, but this is the first national coming out day that i've actually been out as bi, in so many words, to people. it's a good feeling, not to have to hide behind any sort of mental was one of those things where i knew that it would be no big deal, and i'm sure enough people suspected it anyway, but jumping that last fence of just telling people already...that was difficult. still, it's nice to be over it, and in a lot of respects, it's no big's no big deal to anyone but me. sexuality, especially my own, is something i think about a lot, it's something i find extremely important and extremely fascinating to explore. it's strange, sometimes i don't feel taken particularly seriously by society as bisexual, given that i'm dating a guy right would be a lie to say that it didn't bother me, but it's something i deal with. it's annoying, it's silly, but it's not something i have to apologise for, and it's not something i have a whole heck of a lot of control over. i'm happy where i am, so screw everyone and everything that wants to get in my way.

Friday, October 08, 2004

"get into our pants...and eat up the savings!!"

--slogan for Warehouse One, a clothing store in Calgary, heard on CJAY (a canadian radio station)
life is good right now. wazee's down, but that's okay, because i'm listening to canadian radio...which is infinitely cooler than regular american fm radio, by virtue of being canadian. it's friday, which is always a good thing. last night didn't turn out as planned, but it was awesome...after mock trial, i played in a poker tournament, but i busted out early. that kinda sucked, but i can't fault it since someone stupid-systemed me with a bad hand preflop and got a straight to beat my kings and jacks.

i went home, swearing i'd go to bed early since i hadn't so much been sleeping this week. well...that didn't happen. today's my friend's 21st birthday, so some of my friends were going out for a midnight drink at jimmy's, and i joined them. jimmy's was packed, but it was all good 'cause we ended up getting a table. a midnight drink turned into staying 'til last call (not THAT long, only 2am), several pitchers of beer, and me realising that i just can't chug beer faster than my roommate. a little disconcerting, but i'd never done too much chugging before. was just generally silly times, drinking beer and goofing off and having fun. shockingly enough, though, i was up for work and feeling better than i thought i would. i'll be paying tonight, given that it was another night without much sleep, but oh, well. i'll find some of my friends is flying into town from philly this weekend, so i'm sure we'll end up doing something tonight.

and then tomorrow...whirlyball!!! i swear, i want to hug the genius that came up with the idea of playing a lacrosse-like game in bumper cars!!!

and then...i found out yesterday that i will indeed get to see my boyfriend next weekend. we haven't decided yet if he's coming here or i'm going to st. louis, but either way...i get to see him!! i'm giddy and silly and happy about that, because i love to see him, and i was really hoping we'd get to see each other at least once before the kansas mock trial tournament halloween weekend. :)

Thursday, October 07, 2004

song of the day..."can't smile" by vex red

"i'm afraid i can't smile without a reason"

surprisingly, i'm in a better mood now, but it describes how i was feeling earlier today...and it's just a darn good song.
today's a rotten day. i'm sleepy. i feel detached. i'm not sure how i'm going to make it through the workday, much less through mock trial practice and the poker tournament tonight. all my after-work stuff is going to be very much fun, to be sure, but i'm just not feeling anything today except for sleeping and idle dreaming, with a little crying thrown in for good measure. i have no reason to feel this way except for maybe lack of sleep. it's just...disconcerting. that's the best way to describe today, disconcerting.

i was so tempted not to go to work today. maybe i shouldn't have, should have just slept. then again, i woke up at 7:30 on my own this morning, and failed miserably at falling asleep between then and 8. even that would have been a failure, staying home and sleeping.

even being awake and disappearing...that might be better?

"this heart is not a broken one
but where have all the colours gone"
"Obvious Heart"
by finger eleven

i think i'm going to do national novel writing month this year. i've had an idea in my head for a novel for a while now, since the summer, and i've got a few parts of it outlined out...all as a result of a late, late night brainstorm on a greyhound bus across the midwest back in july. now that i've finally got my computer working (yes, i did get that monitor yesterday! now, to buy an ethernet cord long enough to reach halfway down my apartment...), i can write as much as i want, at home, on the computer. the goal of it is to write 50000 words in a month...i don't yet know if my story will be able to stay alive that long, since i don't know if the story is actually novel-length or if it would be more suited to a long, elaborate short story, but it's worth a shot. i don't know if i'll have the time to write it in november, between mock trial and law applications, but again, it's worth a shot. even if i don't write the whole thing in november, i will at least write some of it in november, make something of that brainstorm i had.
i miss my boyfriend. :( i didn't get to talk to him last night, and that makes me sad. i just wish i were there with him.

that is all.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

i was up so early this morning. they were putting the newspapers in the sidewalk boxes when i was waiting for the 172. that's just sick.

radio wazee keeps cutting in and out today. that makes me sad. it cut out three or four times during "last call" by eve to adam...and since the only way i ever hear that song is on wazee, it's annoying when it doesn't play through.

mock trial practice went nicely last night...i sat in on three of the five teams, including the all-novice noncompeting team. it seems to be going nicely for the first day. teams look to be beginning to congeal. also, i might not suck as a mock trial coach. this is a happy realisation.

goal for the afternoon: buy a computer monitor so i can use the internet at home.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

mock trial season starts in earnest today...five teams. oh boy. hopefully we don't lose too many people on our fifth team...only time will tell.

and...i'm coaching. this is scary. i don't know how to coach. i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing tonight, in an hour. freak-out time!!!!!

i was never even that good a mocker...
i had a realisation at about 5am last night, when i was freezing cold and tossing and turning and unable to sleep.

according to the jingle, poison is the kind of thing you're not supposed to take...the wrong drugs, for example.

if you think it might be poison, then the first thing you should do is call 1-800-222-1222.

francis leo was medicated for schizophrenia when he was committed to polk hospital.

he didn't have schizophrenia at all.

thus, he wasn't supposed to take schizophrenia drugs.

that's one witness in the mock trial case who should have called 1-800-222-1222.

Monday, October 04, 2004

a few thoughts on monday afternoon...

--"ocean avenue" by yellowcard is such a bad song, but it's so catchy. it's one of those songs that rings in my head, that i want to sing along to whenever i hear it, except i'm screwed because i don't know the words. therefore, i like it. also, it evokes happy memories...the radio stations in chicago don't ever play it, but the buzz, the radio station in kansas city, plays it all the time. thus, it would always come on in the car when my boyfriend and i rode around kansas city, around lawrence, anywhere near there. good times...

--i live with nerds...such nerds...and it's paradise. it's clear we're all insane when our unofficial apartment theme song is jingle no. 2 for the national poison control centre, and one of the most rampant running jokes among the roommates is poking them and saying "tort", since poking someone if they don't necessarily want to be poked is battery, a tort. (yes, one of my roommates is a 1L, so maybe it's not THAT random...or maybe is is, still.)

--thank goodness mock trial season is back. i'm not competing this year, since i've graduated and that makes me ineligible. but, i'm coaching. i've been in tryouts the last two days, watching first-year after first-year after first-year try out. tonight, three more people are slated to try out, and then we are assigning teams. they won't be stacked, but it will still be an LSAT logic game from hell, since we have so many more mockers than we have room for. we're going to have to decide whether to expand to five teams and deal with that logistical nightmare, or stay at four teams and deal with that personnel nightmare. either way, it's going to be horrid. still, despite that, it's going to be so nice to return to something i love, and to have something to take up at least some of my time when i'm not at work. i'm going to be a much happier person for this.
i think i have a possible topic for my personal statement. it's kind of an extension of one of my old blog entries, the one about how harrowing it was that the KKK was admitting that being ignorant, uneducated, was good. i'm thinking i might use that as a framework or an intro for discussing my thoughts and experiences with ignorance and the inability to consider new and different points of view that is so rampant in political groups--on both the left wing and the right, both groups that want to promulgate hate and groups that want to do good for people. i have several personal experiences where i've had a short fuse with ignorance in political groups (biggest case in point, my choice to cease doing work with student activist groups my second year of college, after being so heavily involved my first...). it's not completely fleshed out yet, i just have a sheet of paper with my stream-of-consciousness notes. still, it's a start, and it's the first personal statement topic i've thought of that doesn't seem completely hackneyed or completely out of the mouth of a squeaky sixteen year old girl.

Friday, October 01, 2004

what is it about three days grace? i've heard three of their songs..."i hate (everything about you)", "just like you", and "home". musically, lyrically, they're all so formulaic, but i love them so much. they're proof that, when well-executed, when you just cut the crap, the formula works. i had this exact thing to say about "i hate (everything about you)" when i heard it for the first time a year ago, but now hearing "home" on the radio has made it necessary for me to reiterate this thought.
i promise, this isn't becoming one of those droning political blogs...but Brad Bloch (for you non-mockers, he is a professor at UW-Milwaukee, their mock trial advisor, and the ex-National Tournament Director for the American Mock Trial Association) made a post on that i think bears re-posting here.

Some of you apparently miss the North Korea point. There already is a multilateral coalition. Our partners in that multilateral coalition have sought the US to do bilateral talks with the North Koreans. The Cheney-Bush Administration has refused to entertain bilateral talks and, in the mean time, North Korea has gained additional nuclear warheads.

My question is how long these Republicans think that their repetitious games can have steam. Flip flop my ass. The GOP candidates pledged no nation building in their 2000 campaign. Bush could not wage real war after 9/11 against terrorists because terrorist networks are too decentralized to permit the victories needed to sustain support for a war. So, instead, the Cheney-Bush Administration tried to sell an Iraq war to civilized nations which were too bright to get sucked into attacking Iraq while claiming to hunt for a Saudi terrorist band.

A forty-nation coalition is squat. My gosh, Costa Rica has withdrawn and now its 39. But the US has 90+% of the coalition casualties and 95+% of the coalition's costs. That the American public puts any credence on the Cheney-Bush "coalition" is probably the terrorists' favorite news. It says "imbeciles versus terrorism."

I wonder whether the so-called "news media" will ever get around to doing its job and actually provide a check to the Cheney-Bush "flip-flop, mixed messages" tripe. There's only one major party candidate who has itemized his steps in winning the real war on terror and in normalizing Iraq after another candidate has led our nation into chaos. Instead of demanding more steps from Kerry, the media ought start demanding the first announcement of steps from Cheney-Bush. What is the Republican exit strategy?

Before this debate, there was a lot of discussion about this being a joint press conference rather than a debate. That discussion was wrong. We saw a debate, indeed. I know a little about debate after running 23 years on debate circuits. He who wins debates must clash and extend the arguments. Bush demonstrated that he was incapable of extending. Kerry easily won this debate when Bush "dropped" (as we debaters say): cut police/fire, has not protected bridges, tunnels, subways, screens no cargo in planes, checks less than 5% of containers entering the nation, 35 to 40 nations more capable of proliferating than Iraq, Iran & North Korea pose a greater threat than Iraq if one applies the Cheney-Bush rationale for unilateral intervention, Bin Laden a higher priority than Saddam, no exit strategy which was precisely the reason Bush I did not proceed to put us in the crisis that Bush II delivered.
And on and on.

By the way, what do these Republicans speak of as "mixed messages?" It seems to me that Cheney-Bush proceeding for Halliburton while 2/3 of civilized nations will not join the Republican "coalition" is the ultimate mixed message. Message 1: Those not entirely dependant on US largesse will not support aggression toward Cheney defined "terrorists." Message 2: It is the US that will indiscrimately label all as Muslim and, therefore, terrorist while indiscriminately killing innocents. (Bush I was quite the targeted strikes on Saddam's military. Cheney-Bush II pinpoints nothing.)

i guess i have one beef with this, that's it. i wouldn't say kerry "easily won" the debate for the reasons he listed, but i do think those factors helped contribute to any narrow victory he did obtain. i can say he didn't easily win the debate because i have so little faith in the american public right now...bush did have some nice little sound bites, and in any practical sense, making the better arguments doesn't win you crap--only an increase in public approval does. we'll see what the polls have to say, the ABC and CBS polls last night both had kerry "winning" the debate in the eyes of the public, but not by any shocking margin (i think the ABC poll had kerry "winning" over bush by about 9%, CBS i don't recall). that still doesn't say anything about swaying votes. anyway, we shall see.

other than that...i think his commentary is dead-on.
so, my friends and i watched the presidential debate last night. it was the debate on international affairs...and, of course, most of it was about iraq. i think kerry won the debate in there were less times that i wanted to hurl things at the tv when kerry was speaking than when bush was speaking. (and yes, my friends and i did hurl things at the tv when candidates pissed us of my roommates was kind enough to bring a whole arsenal of balled-up socks and mittens, which we would lob at the faces of offending presidential candidates--usually president bush.)

i still marvel at bush's apparent disregard for pissing off the world. he avoided the entire issue of promising war as a last resort, and then barging headlong into it anyway. he continued to call it inconsistent for kerry to say that saddam hussein is a threat, but not the same thing as al-qaeda...

he continued to not care that it was an american-forced war, that he didn't have a broad international consensus about going to war. case in point:

KERRY: The United Nations, Kofi Annan offered help after Baghdad fell. And we never picked him up on that and did what was necessary to transfer authority and to transfer reconstruction. It was always American-run. Secondly, when we went in, there were three countries: Great Britain, Australia and the United States. That's not a grand coalition. We can do better.

BUSH: Well, actually, he forgot Poland. And now there's 30 nations involved, standing side by side with our American troops. Kerry later retorted...

KERRY: But you can't tell me that when the most troops any other country has on the ground is Great Britain, with 8,300, and below that the four others are below 4,000, and below that, there isn't anybody out of the hundreds, that we have a genuine coalition to get this job done.

this, in addition to much of the rest of the debate, underscores my opinion that basically is a selfish bully with an enormous army at his disposal.

there was one moment, when he was discussing the international criminal court, where i could honestly say i've never wanted to assassinate the president any more than i did right then. he said:

BUSH: My opponent talks about me not signing certain treaties. Let me tell you one thing I didn't sign, and I think it shows the difference of our opinion -- the difference of opinions. And that is, I wouldn't join the International Criminal Court. It's a body based in The Hague where unaccountable judges and prosecutors can pull our troops or diplomats up for trial.

And I wouldn't join it. And I understand that in certain capitals around the world that that wasn't a popular move. But it's the right move not to join a foreign court that could -- where our people could be prosecuted.

My opponent is for joining the International Criminal Court. I just think trying to be popular, kind of, in the global sense, if it's not in our best interest makes no sense. I'm interested in working with our nations and do a lot of it. But I'm not going to make decisions that I think are wrong for America.

trying to be popular in the world makes no sense? what? he seems to have forgotten the fact that america will be safer if other countries don't completely hate us, like they do right now. in the context of the icc it's a bad thing to say, and in the context of the rest of the debate, the context of iraq and the context of homeland security, it's a reprehensible and irresponsible thing to believe.

speaking of the icc...unaccountable my nothing. they'd be accountable to the will of the countries that are in it. i'm afraid if we did join, we'd have too much power in it anyway, since we are a world superpower. but, the idea of a court where other countries can hold us accountable for our international actions (and, where we can hold others accountable for theirs) can't be a bad thing. it's at least an ideological safety net against the very kind of unbridled power that bush thinks he can wield. besides...i'd sleep a lot better at night if it were other countries, not ONLY the americans, holding people responsible for atrocities like abu ghraib.

shift of my favourite moments of the debate was this that kerry was so snippy, and called bush out on everything from his lack of war planning to his disregard for international opinion to his preferential treatment of halliburton.

KERRY: No, and they don't have to, providing we have the leadership that we put -- that I'm offering.

I believe that we have to win this. The president and I have always agreed on that. And from the beginning, I did vote to give the authority, because I thought Saddam Hussein was a threat, and I did accept that intelligence.

But I also laid out a very strict series of things we needed to do in order to proceed from a position of strength. Then the president, in fact, promised them. He went to Cincinnati and he gave a speech in which he said, "We will plan carefully. We will proceed cautiously. We will not make war inevitable. We will go with our allies."

He didn't do any of those things. They didn't do the planning. They left the planning of the State Department in the State Department desks. They avoided even the advice of their own general. General Shinsheki, the Army chief of staff, said you're going to need several hundred thousand troops. Instead of listening to him, they retired him. The terrorism czar, who has worked for every president since Ronald Reagan, said, "Invading Iraq in response to 9/11 would be like Franklin Roosevelt invading Mexico in response to Pearl Harbor." That's what we have here.

And what we need now is a president who understands how to bring these other countries together to recognize their stakes in this. They do have stakes in it. They've always had stakes in it.

The Arab countries have a stake in not having a civil war. The European countries have a stake in not having total disorder on their doorstep.

But this president hasn't even held the kind of statesman-like summits that pull people together and get them to invest in those states. In fact, he's done the opposite. He pushed them away.

When the Secretary General Kofi Annan offered the United Nations, he said, "No, no, we'll go do this alone."

To save for Halliburton the spoils of the war, they actually issued a memorandum from the Defense Department saying, "If you weren't with us in the war, don't bother applying for any construction."

That's not a way to invite people.

most of the other stuff that kerry said during the debate ranged between blah and "you squandered an opportunity to nail bush into the ground", but this speech is the closest i've come to having a positive feeling for john kerry as opposed to, well, him being a douchebag and me being a captive audience for him. that speech, i just wanted to cheer, because it so eloquently described why, on the world stage, it is dangerous to elect bush for another four years of presidency.

speaking of parts where Kerry really squandered an opportunity, screwed up, or just plain irked me...i wanted to shrivel up and die when he made his comment about preemptive war:

KERRY: The president always has the right, and always has had the right, for preemptive strike. That was a great doctrine throughout the Cold War. And it was always one of the things we argued about with respect to arms control.

cold war? preemptive striking? what?? i don't have the foggiest idea what he was doing there, i really don't. he definitely got pelted with socks for being stupid, there.

on another topic, there was one moment of the debate where we all just about died put it nicely, it was a naughty little bush-ism. he was talking about having to comfort the families of troops who died in iraq...after going through his "all life is precious" spiel (during which several pairs of socks were thrown at the television), he had this to say:

BUSH: You know, I think about Missy Johnson. She's a fantastic lady I met in Charlotte, North Carolina. She and her son Brian, they came to see me. Her husband PJ got killed. He'd been in Afghanistan, went to Iraq. You know, it's hard work to try to love her as best as I can, knowing full well that the decision I made caused her loved one to be in harm's way.

love her as best as i can?!?!? all i can think of is president bush having sex with that war widow. surely, that's not what he meant by loving her, but it was the worst phrasing ever. he should have just stuck with the word "comfort". anyway, my friends and i had a few good laughs over that line, and made innuendoes about president bush and missy johnson for the rest of the night.