Thursday, September 30, 2004

i'm writing this from the library...not harold washington, the huge downtown library where i've been a good five or ten times, but the local branch, 49th and blackstone. it's pathetic...i've lived in this town for four years, and i just got my public library card this past monday. it's somewhat understandable, since i used to have access to the college libraries. they were all closer, and they had selections of academic, non-academic, and academic-but-i-want-to-read-them-anyway material. once i stopped taking classes...poof, no more access. that's rather silly since i still work in one of the libraries. i had taken a habit of "borrowing" (not actually checking out) books from there, since there's no actual way for them to check that as i leave the library. but, i've gone through most of the ones i really want to read since i've worked there for so long...and most of the books are dry legal research tomes, since it is a law library. now i finally have a public card...the only drawback is that the chicago public library system has a five-book limit for the first month. grumble.

this library's alright...not a particularly broad range, and the nonfiction is especially outdated. i think it specializes in children's books anyway...the adult section is there to amuse the parents. there seem to be more nonfiction books about parenting and homemaking than about anything else, which really doesn't do it for me. the queer studies section is about five or ten books, sexuality-in-general even smaller. they've got women's studies books, but not many, nothing particularly interesting, and nothing newer than about 1980. as for facilities, i'm vexed that they don't have any stuffed, comfortable reading couches or chairs. it's all straight-backed wooden chairs at glass-topped study tables. that facet of the library reminds me so much of the green road library, the one i would walk to when i lived in raleigh...and even that library had a couple of stuffed chairs near the entrance, in which i would curl up and read patricia cornwell mysteries, trashy bodice-rippers, or whatever else i felt like getting my hands on that day.

still, i can't knock this library so badly, i think i'm being unduly harsh. the fiction section is nice, and it's in a cute little balcony (file under eckhart library, it's a similar feeling, except that it's fiction and not computer programming books). it'll keep me amused for awhile, whether i want to read serious literature, modern fiction, or breezy popular novels. today i went for serious modern fiction, since i was in the mood for something set in my own time, but all of the breezy, silly books made me curse at them under my breath in the stacks. i've had my fill of chick-lit, of yuppie women searching for love (or at least a screw), for a while.

the building is also a nice little place. it's the oldest branch library in the chicago system, it's a hundred years old this year. it has been renovated since then (1980, according to the website), but it still carries an old, dignified charm. there's even a rotunda into which you enter. it's a little bitty rotunda, since it's a neighbourhood library after all, but it's light white/grey marble streaked with darker grey, and there are columns and arches. it is a nice little corner of hyde park, one in which i should spend more time...especially since i don't live all that far away from it anymore. it's a nice after-work unwinding. it's quiet in here.
i can't stand dr. phil. he's so sanctimonious. he thinks he has the answers to everyone's life, and so many people follow him, or at least fawn at what he says. (i hate self-help gurus in general, but he's the current figurehead of the genre--and extremely obnoxious to boot.)

i didn't need more reasons to hate the guy, but now i have them. getting president bush on there to talk about drinking? whaaaaaat? all i can think is a line from the boondocks a couple years ago...

"pretzel schmetzel! the guy was drunk!"

anyway, the article...

Bush on Dr Phil on drinking
September 30, 2004

US President George W. Bush has told daytime TV viewers it's "awfully difficult" for parents to urge their children not to drink and drive if they do it themselves."The parents have got to understand that when they tell their child something they have to be willing to live it in order for the child to be able to absorb the truth of what the parent is trying to say," Mr Bush said on advice show Dr Phil.

The interview with Mr Bush and first lady Laura Bush by host Phil McGraw was taped on July 29 at the president's ranch in Crawford, Texas, and broadcast in the US today.

Days before the 2000 presidential election, Mr Bush was caught withholding information about a drink-driving arrest in Maine in 1976.

He said at the time he had not been specific about the incident earlier because he wanted to keep the information from his twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna.

"It's awfully difficult for a parent to tell a child not to drink and drive when the parent drinks and drives," Mr Bush said in the TV interview.

Mr Bush, now 58, gave up alcohol at 40 after concluding he was drinking too much. He often refers to the power of faith in that process and once referred to his youthful drinking as a "young and irresponsible" stage of his life.

Though they have largely remained out of the media spotlight, the Bushes' 22-year-old daughters have at times drawn headlines for alcohol-related episodes.

In May 2001, police in Austin, Texas, cited both for violating state alcoholic beverage laws.

Police accused Barbara Bush of being a minor in possession of alcohol and Jenna Bush of misrepresenting her age for allegedly trying to use false identification to buy alcohol.

The charges were dismissed after the twins, then 19, performed community service, attended alcohol awareness classes and paid $US100 (about $140) in fines.

The month before, Jenna Bush had pleaded no contest to charges of underage drinking. She was ordered to take alcohol counselling and perform community service. A judge fined her $US500 ($700) and suspended her licence for 30 days.
you should all really read the patricidal bedside companion by k.s. haddock. i randomly picked it up at the library on monday, and it's such an entertaining book. nothing too particularly deep about it (it's about a guy obsessed with nietzche who decided he needs to kill his father...), but it's got some really screwy plot twists, and i see way too much of myself in both the protagonist and his crazy girlfriend. they're both so jaded, and so futile-ly adventurous, trying to escape that, and knowing deep down inside that they just can't, except for maybe each other, revelling in the fact that they both know it and both want to escape it and both can't...i'm degrading into babble here. just read the darn book.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

they played "stay in shadow" on radio wazee, and marked that it was a radio version. does this mean that finger eleven has released that as their next single? there's nothing to confirm or deny this on the band's official website. i'd really love to know, though...since that's my favourite song on their self-titled album. how awesome would it be to hear that song on the radio??
this is weird...i'm remembering snippets of conversations that i think happened yesterday, but i'm not sure if they actually happened or if i've dreamt them. usually i can figure out what was real and what was a dream. this time, not so much. i'm unsettled.
"i'll die to win
'cause i'm born to lose"
by Breaking Benjamin

(describes my mood, my outlook on things, today.)

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

i decided to take yesterday and today off of work to try and pull my life back together. nothing's actually happened to make it change, it's still in the same shambles in which it's been for the last year or so, but i'm trying to muster up a smidge of...initiative. yesterday, granted, wasn't a great deal of Getting Stuff Done...but i did go downtown and procure a valid identification card. this is good, given that my old one was from north carolina, an address i hadn't lived at for four years, and that none of my relatives had lived at for two. i also got a chicago library card...which i'd been meaning to do, but for more fun reasons than anything serious. i got five books when i was there: the newest Grisham novel, a dumb but amusing chick-lit type book, a novel about an online affair, an old pulp novel (actually, two under one cover...), and this random novel called "the patricidal bedtime companion" (i swear, although the protagonist didn't go to U of C, he really should have.)

today it's law school applications. asking for recommendations (although i clearly don't deserve them...why can't i just be a realistic little girlie and abandon my dreams?!?!?! like any sane person in my position would do?!??!), figuring out what essays i have to write, adding up how much money that i don't have that i'm going to have to sock away for application fees, all that mess.

excuse my language...but it's so fucking scary. applying for college, for undergrad, was never this awful or this scary...i was actually confident that i was worth something. now, the only thing i'm confident in, at least on the academic front, is that i'm worth nothing, and that no self-respecting law school would do anything but read the first few words of my application, laugh thinly, and put it through the paper shredder.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

fun stuff last of my friends just turned 22, so we had a night of board games and food and general amusement. we tried this hilarious game called cults across america...but too many cooks spoiled the pot, and we have to try it again with less players, and less geeky-gaming newbies. (i know...i'm a geeky board gamer. scary, isn't it.) after that i went home and talked to my boyfriend for half an hour or so, which was nice. i didn't get to talk on the phone with him thursday night, so it was beautiful to hear his voice again. ::blushes:: i just hope he's feeling better today...

after that, i thought i was going to go to bed, but another friend of mine called me and said i should come to the frisbee party. i hadn't been to a big loud party in a against my better judgment, and despite the fact that i'm a college grad now, i went to the party. it turned out being lots of fun...drank some, ran into a lot of people i knew, happy stuff. then, after that party started to get so crowded that we could hardly move, we moved on to DU for a while, since they were having a party. the great thing about orientation frat parties is that you don't have to pay to get into them...we hung out there for a while, drank a couple drinks, and then went home. it feels kind of silly to say that i went to college parties after i graduated, but there's nothing wrong with that. i'm a recent enough grad, and they were full of people i knew. although...they were also full of first years, and they all look so YOUNG!!! the frisbee party had some first years, but more older folks that i knew...but DU made me feel like a grandmother. old, old, old.'s going to be a happy day. i've decided it's going to be a nicky-goes-out-on-the-town-alone kind of day. i'm hungry, so i'll eat here in hyde park, but then it's off to andersonville. i haven't been up there alone, just to meander, in way too long...which is sad, because i heart andersonville. don't know how long i'm going to stay up there, probably most of the day since it takes forever to get up there (and since it's already half past noon...eek!!!), but it will be a really nice, centering day for me. and maybe i'll come home with some fun books or other swag. :)

Friday, September 24, 2004

more poker last night. :) i've played so much poker this week...i played a tourney friday night with my mocker friends and my boyfriend, saturday night we didn't bet money, but we played some drunken blind man's bluff and also (earlier, before we hit the bars) this crazy game my roommate invented called Halicarnassus Hold-Em. sunday, monday, and wednesday nights i played with the poker club...and after my huge ($168 ahead) night wednesday, i played again last night. my game was still on, things were falling, and i ended up ahead $57. i bought-in for $40, and never busted out once. that made me happy. it was most of the same people as usual...but not as many, which was good because there was actually space at the table.

not as many fun pot stories from last night, but i have a couple. there was one pot where i saw a flop with Q-J. the flop comes A-J-small card, and i felt like betting it aggressively($3 or $4). one of my friends, at the table, raised me all-in. i pondered...he trashtalked...i pondered...he was like "go ahead, call me with your jack." i eventually decide to throw it away, which was good because he indeed had the ace. he was amused that he had me read for the jack. i don't know how obvious i am, really...he can read me like a book, some can and some can't. i need to work at being more unpredictable.

another pot, later in the night...i had J-9 and saw a flop with it. it came up J-4-6. i bet a few dollars, and one other person called me. the next card fell a 9. i bet $2 or $3, he min-raised me, i re-raised him all-in. he agonized over it for a while...i had $34 left in front of me, so he just barely had me covered (he had maybe $5 or $6 beyond that.) he finally calls, and flips over his J-4. he looked like he was about ready to shoot himself when i flipped over my J-9. he didn't river his 4, his only out, so i ended up taking down this enormous pot.

the last fun hand story i have is the last hand i was in. i had declared it long ago as my last hand, since i had to leave then. i get dealt Q-9 offsuit. one guy raised a dollar preflop...i usually would have folded those cards in a heartbeat, but it was the last hand, and if i was going to get to see the flop on my last hand for just $1.50, i would gamble. if it sucked, i would fold. turns out, it didn't suck at all--two queens fell down. it was checked around to me. i was pretty sure no one had a queen, so i decided to be sly and just sell my hand. i tossed in a dollar and was like, "only a dollar to play. it's cheap." the preflop raiser folded, but my friend (the one who read my jack) called, and another guy raised me...but only a dollar over that. so, i re-raised him $2. my friend called, and so did the raiser. a 7 fell. it was checked around to me, i bet five bucks, they both called me. another 7 came on the river, to give me queens-full. i bet another five bucks, and inexplicably, they called me AGAIN. turns out, i was the only one with a queen! i couldn't believe they were calling my moderate-to big bets, calling my re-raises, with a pair of queens on the board. i guess i'm not complaining, though, since it was a nice hand to cash out on. i was shocked that my friend, especially, kept playing that...he said he didn't think i had the queen, i was kind of surprised that neither of them had me read for a queen. neither of them showed, i don't even know what they had.

alright...i have a couple things from yesterday that don't have a thing to do with poker that i still want to talk about.

first of is fun. i got bored yesterday when i got home from work, and decided i wanted to cook food, not just something quick but something that took a little longer...real, honest-to-God cooking. i also owed my roomie dinner, and he was around, and i knew he wouldn't object. so, i made tortillas (i discovered this summer how much fun making flour tortillas is, and how yummy they are when they're homemade!), made them into cheese quesadillas, and had them with chicken breasts in chipotle-onion sauce. it was one of the yummiest meals i've had in a long time...

also...i heard what might rival madonna's cover of "american pie" or lenny kravitz's "american woman" as the worst cover ever. i turned on q101 when i was cooking, and they played a cover of "imagine", by john lennon. i was trying to figure out who it was, the band sounded so familiar, but they absolutely butchered the song. i have heard it covered well before (i thought it should NEVER be covered, but Live did a very, very good cover of it when i saw them back in 1999), but i kept alternating between racking my brain for what band it was, so i could yell and scream and throttle them, and just being incredulous at how bad it was. it was dark and gloomy...which i usually like (see: snake river conspiracy's cover of "how soon is now", for example), but it really doesn't work there. after the song, the deejay revealed that it was a perfect circle doing the cover. that made me sad because i generally like a perfect circle, but they really should have just left "imagine" alone. i'd have a lot more respect for them if they did.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

dumbest article ever. people are massive fools.

Chest challenged chicks ring in bigger breasts

By Ryann Connell
Staff Writer

September 23, 2004

Some of the silly tunes Japanese pay to download to use as the ring tone for their mobile phones sure have their knockers, but it's for precisely that reason that a well-known counselor is raking it in at the moment, according to Shukan Gendai (10/2).

Hideto Tomabechi -- who first made headlines in Japan almost a decade ago after he cured brainwashed members of the AUM Shinrikyo doomsday cult that unleashed deadly sarin gas on the Tokyo subway system -- claims to have developed a tune for ring tones that promises to increase the breast measurements of those who listen to it.

And Tomabechi's brainchild for better busts has boomed, with chest challenged chicks swarming to transfer data to their own phones.

"I listened to the tune for a week expecting all the time that I was being duped," says Chieri Nakayama, a 19-year-old pin-up model, tells Shukan Gendai. "But, incredibly, my 87-centimeter bust grew to 89 centimeters! It was awesome!"

Mobile phone ring tone tunes, or chakumero as they're called in Japanese, are almost an integral part of the arsenal of Japan's tens of millions of cellular phone users. Each of the big phone companies operates sites where their customers can for a few hundred yen per month download songs they use in place of the blase ring tones pre-installed in the phones. Normally, people select hit songs or TV themes, but Tomabechi's tit tune has hit a raw nerve somewhere, attracting an almost unimaginable 10,000-plus downloads in the first week it was made available, despite the numerous titters.

"Most would think it's a lie, but the techniques involved in the process have been known for some time and are the result of research I carried out in the '80s and '90s," Tomabechi tells Shukan Gendai. "I use sounds that make the brain and body move unconsciously. It's a technique involving subliminal effects."

Tomabechi claims that techniques exist to provoke movement in a certain part of the brain that reacts to sounds and light.

"It's a part of cognitive science. I suppose you could call it a kind of 'positive brainwashing,'" he says. "Sound waves travel in patterns that can be properly re-played."

It's an old adage that many illnesses are all in the mind, but if the counselor's claims are correct, the key to having a huge set of breasts could be the same. Tomabechi says he's already got plans on the drawing board for ring tones aimed at improving memory, increasing attractiveness for the opposite sex, making hair sprout and quitting cigarettes.

Even if the rockmelon ring tone doesn't prove to be as effective as its inventor claims, what can't be denied is its success on the chakumero charts.

"We offer loads of chakumero for sale at 300 yen a month and the tune promising huge breasts would have to be in our top 10 at least. It's doing far better than we ever expected," Yuichi Tsujimoto, a spokesman for Media Chic, which offers Tomabechi's tune online, tells Shukan Gendai. "We haven't done any advertising for it, so I suppose the tune's success has come about through word of mouth. We've even received mail from one user who said they listened to the tune every night before going to sleep and it made her tits bigger."
so sleepy today, but no matter. last night was a great night at the poker table.

it didn't look so to start, i bought in for $20 as usual (it was a .25/.50 no limit cash game, the same thing i've been playing all summer), and after struggling a bit i busted out...i had a low pair, but a flush draw and a straight draw, and it all busted. i had $20 more on me, so i rebought against my better judgment.

that wasn't looking so good at first, as well. i lost a few small pots, and wasn't seeing cards at all. i was dealt jack-ten of hearts, and when someone next to me went all-in, i stressed over it for a minute or two and then called--which meant i was all-in, he had me covered. he flipped over pocket sixes, which i was none too happy (although none too shocked) to see. the flop didn't look all that promising (a pair of nines and another random low card that helped no one)--but the turn came K-Q, so i runner-runnered my straight to double up.

from then on, everything i touched turned to gold, it seemed. it was funny, that straight was the only hand i had all night that was any better than trips, but by some combination of good luck and smart betting (scaring people out of pots when i had something good although not quite the nuts), i just started raking in pot after pot after pot. that's actually what i'm most proud of about last night...not just that i won so much money, but that i did it without having an absurd run of extremely good cards, pocket rockets and A-K suited and all. it was more finesse and betting than anything.

one hand, i had queen-ten...i was still ahead in chips, but hitting a bit of a dry spell and wanting to gamble. the flop came cheap (only a couple bucks over the blinds), so i saw it. there was a 10, and two lower cards. top pair...good kicker...time to have some fun. one of the guys, who was really shortstacked, went all in, and i called. so did another player. the turn came, i think it was a jack, but i don't remember very well. i put the other guy all-in, and he called me. he flipped over his cards, he was on a draw. his draw didn't river out, so i got his chips. the other guy, in the main pot but not the side pot, flipped over his cards, and he had 10-9--so i outkicked him with my queen, and took the entire pot, which was easily a $40 or $50 pot.

another hand was pretty fun...i had pocket sixes, and saw the flop--which came up J-6-4. my six tripped up, and it was me and two other people in the pot. i decided a check-raise would be loads of fun. i checked, and the next guy bet $12. the third person folded, and i raised his $12 all-in. he thought about it for a couple minutes, and finally decided that he thought i was bluffing a pair of fours, but that it was too expensive to pay to see it, so he folded. he was pretty happy he folded when i told him that i was indeed not bluffing, and flipped over my sixes.

there was one other pot that was ridiculously funny. i got dealt pocket queens...a friend of mine, against whom i get in LOADS of pissing matches when i'm just playing poker for pennies, called the big blind, and i raised it four bucks right after him. it's folded all the way around to him, and he calls to see a flop. the flop comes three cards all under my queens. he bets $10, i raise him to $20, and he calls me. the turn comes a king, we taunt each other a bit. since it is an overcard, i check along...if he had the king, and the river was lower than a king, i assumed he'd bet into me on the river. sure enough the river was a low card, he checked to me. i bet $15. he told me he thought i had nothing, but that i had bought the pot--since he indeed had nothing. to prove i wasn't getting into a rash pissing match with him, i was nice and showed him my queens...and then took about $25 of his money. hehe. :)

so...a good little day for me at the poker table. i wish i had more days like that.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

who knew the poison control center could be so awesome?!?!? they have so many funny jingles:

jingle no. 1

jingle no. 2

jingle in spanish

mr. yuk is mean!!!

and remember...if you think it might be poison, and you don't know what to 1-800-222-1222!!
actual IM conversation between me and my boyfriend earlier today...i love that boy!!!!!

me: how are you?
him: doin fine
me: you?
him: alright...they had stuffed giordano's pizza for lunch
me: that makes me happy :) yay for my favourite food
him: awesome!
me: although i'll bet my bottom dollar that within the hour i'll be in food coma, hardcore
him: heehee
me: ::zzzzzz::
him: ::yyyyyy:: ::xxxxxxx:: ::wwwwww::
me: LOL!!!!!!!
me: :)
me: you amuse me, dear
him: glad I do dear
me: wondering what ::yyyyyyyyy::could signify, though
me: beyong being a string of the letter before z
him: damnit! you've found it out
me: ::yyyyyyyyyy:: are you being so silly?
him: because that is what you ::xxxxxx::pect
me: ::uuuuuuuuuu:: are the silliest person ever
ugh...i got so sunburned on saturday at the football game. despite using aloe to moisturize, my face is still peeling. eeeewwwwww...i'm so ugly this week, so ugly. the only thing i can compare it to is that it makes me look like beric dondarrion...maybe not after he died six times (and had half his head bashed in), but maybe after two or three deaths. then again, maybe with the skin sloughing off my face, maybe i look like catelyn stark at the end of a storm of swords, with the skin rotting off her face, from being in the river for so long... anyway, i look a total horror, like one of these dead people brought back to life.

on another topic, i forgot to post a funny story from this weekend. i laugh at it now, although it was embarrassing and depressing at the time. saturday night, we went was me, my boyfriend, and three of my roommates. we decided to start at the cove, and then go to jimmy's. so, we walk across hyde park to the cove, and walk into the bar. we weren't worried at all--all of us were actually between the ages of 21 and 23, with real identification to prove it. the bartender cards us, so i take out my id card. it's a little old, and it's an id as opposed to being a driver's license, but it was actually issued by the state of north carolina as proof of my identity.

he looks at my id, and asks if i have anything else with my name on it. i take out my student id, which has my name and photo, but not my age. he asks if i have anything else with my age on it, because he can't take my id. i was completely confused, and tried to tell him it was my real id, just a little old. he said he couldn't see a hologram. furthermore, he said the id said i was under 21, so i couldn't take it. i put it in the light and showed him the hologram. i pointed out that the birthdate was in november of 1982, but the id was issued to me three years ago, before i turned 21. he would not listen. he asked me again if i had anything else, i told him i had a passport at home, but i lived clear across hyde park. finally, after him being a jerk to me for a couple minutes (he did all of that rather rudely), we left.

one of my roomies told me that i should have, when asked where i lived, said "two blocks from jimmy's", since i indeed live two blocks from jimmy's. that's what we did...we walked back to jimmy's, where they carded us, let us in, and we spent our beer money there instead.

screw the cove.
this six-month-old poem is still one i really like, and still rings way too true.

(please excuse the self-referential post.)

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

lately one of my pointless procrastinatory pastimes has been flipping through blogs. there are a few good ones, but most of them suck. a few observations, i guess...

--13 year olds who write blogs and abbreviate or misspell every word probably think they are the coolest people on earth, and their friends might read it, but no one else will. eyes will glaze, and they will move on. i dnt care whut u n ur peeps did. uze nglsh.

--there is a disturbing number of ana/mia (anorexia/bulimia) blogrings and blogs. it's the most disturbing thing ever, people listing these dangerously low weights, taking pictures of their protruding ribcages and posting them for all to see, encouraging each other with memes like "any day without food is a good day" many blogs like that, and they're all basically the same.

--i just saw a blog written by a ten year old kid. in a "christian singles" blogring, no less...i guess i'd be disturbed if he weren't single. i feel old. ten year olds aren't supposed to be posting on the internet--i didn't ever use it until i was eleven, darn it!!!!

--i should call my boyfriend and go to bed. i'm tired, and i'm wasting valuable sleepytime jerking around on the internet.
i'm a captive audience this election cycle...and i'm not the only one.
fourth round at Loras my third year, there was an opener for mizzou that looked like a robot, and sounded like a robot with voice control problems. he WOULD EMPHASIZE words that did NOT make any SENSE TO get the point. it was rather strange to listen to for five minutes.

anyway, i'm listening to Radio Wazee, and "pulse of the maggots" by slipknot just came on. it reminded me of that opener. the "singing", if you could really call it that, sounded robotic, and parts of lines were growled very forcefully whereas some were not. there didn't seem to be much sense to be made of when they growled forcefully and when they did not. it sounded like that opener set to music. it was rather strange to listen to for five minutes.

and now i have a funny picture in my head, of that guy dressed like a demonic clown, a member of slipknot.
...and now the law school is full of new 1L's. law school orientation starts today. it's nice to finally see the law school coming back to life, although that means it's going to get a little harder to get a common-room computer on which to play online poker. i'm still glad that i'm not diving headlong into law school right after undergrad, but i'm finally starting to feel a stirring in me to get my paws on some applications, get my LSDAS file in order, and apply to law school. i even have my list of law schools pretty well winnowed down in my head, which ones are my choice schools (chicago, wash u, maybe northwestern) and what schools might be decent safeties and all that. then again, geographic matters make it pretty darn easy, since i don't want to leave this general corner of the world...i heart the midwest, i have many facets of my life in order here. paying the application/LSDAS fees is going to suck a lot, and i'm going to have to get over my fear of asking for recommendations (why would any self-respecting person want to write this flake of chaff a recommendation anyway?), and i'm going to have to write more essays than i have to shake a stick at, but it's all for a noble goal--having my butt in a seat in a good law school a year from now.

Monday, September 20, 2004

random amusing exchange for the weekend. (necessary background--many of my friends have a tendency to call me a goat.) scene: the medici.

me (to my friends): so my boyfriend thinks i'm a farm animal.

my boyfriend: i had a traumatic experience at a petting zoo when i was a child.

me: so you try to fix that by dating a goat?

my boyfriend: yes. [nods, uses inflection like it's the most logical, obvious answer ever.]

yes, it's completely absurd. my friends are weird. my boyfriend is weird. then again...i am likewise weird, so it only makes sense.

speaking of my wonderful that he came to visit me this weekend. :) it was a wonderful weekend, the only blemish in it was the fact that kansas lost the football game to northwestern. my friends seem to like him a lot, which is good...i wasn't worried that they wouldn't like him, but it's always just a little...i don't know, there's just that random off-chance that they might not like him. he's the first significant other i've taken in front of the tribunal (my other one, a couple years ago, everyone knew already since he was in our group of friends to begin with), and they're always really demanding. it's all out of love, and i knew he would pass with flying colours, but i get irrational sometimes. still...he's brilliant, he's got a wonderful sense of humour, and it was clear they'd adore him...which he did.

and he read chapters out of A Storm of Swords to me saturday night and sunday morning. if that's not the cutest thing ever, i don't know what is. he even apologized for not being able to do different voices for all the characters...for crying out loud, he read to me!!! that is, without a doubt, the cutest thing that anyone has ever done for me, and i'm still a complete mushball because of it.
one of my friends had this in his journal, and questions are fun. i'll make up questions for you, too...just post a comment asking me for questions, and i'll give them to you for you to answer in your blog. pass it on. questions are fun.

1. Give your name prefences for your kids, one boy and one girl, and the reason why.

well...i don't want kids. me having kids would be a supremely bad idea, as bad an idea as me getting married. but, for the sake of argument...

girl: Thessaly it's a region in ancient greece that was mentioned in herodotus' The Histories, and i thought it would make an extremely pretty name for a girl when i read that book first year. as for a middle name...i don't have anything in mind, any girl's names that jump out at me.

boy: Liam Dante. i've had those names picked out since i was eleven or twelve. they're just pretty names... Liam i don't associate with any particular person or thing, i think it just sounds good. in this really hot college basketball player from when i was in middle school.

2. Who is your favorite world leader currently in power?

call me an ignorant sot, but i really don't have one. i have a least favourite, George W. Bush, for flipping the world off, killing over a thousand soldiers in an unjustified war, and ignoring those who most need the government's protection here at home. i also don't have much love for Tony Blair, for being the one who bowed to Bush on the issue of Iraq. but...none of this blather answers the question, and i don't have an answer.

3. What's the dumbest thing you have done outside of scavhunt and mock?

that's easy. i have a blog entry that somewhat talks about it. it was the day after my 21st birthday, i went to a ratbag hero show at the big horse lounge. the band got me really really drunk, and after the concert i went with the singer and these two other people (one sober, one as drunk as we were) to this bar at 45th and talman. the DD and her friend had to leave when the friend's house got broken into, so he and i were stuck at the bar. we drank some more beers, got a six-pack to go...and he decided it would be a good idea to walk back to his place--at 32nd and racine. so, we walked three miles across the south/southwest side of chicago, from brighton park to bridgeport, drunk as skunks and drinking more...alternating between yelling at each other and making out. we even ran into these random guys on 31st street (we went up archer to 31st, down 31st, and then down racine to 32nd) who talked to us and gave us more beer. walking through the south side extremely drunk, talking to strangers, drinking to excess, being a was dumb, but boy was it fun.

4. What is your favorite physics equation?

heisenberg's uncertainty principle. [(Δx)(Δp)≥(h)/(4π)] it just amuses me that it's an equation that gives you a range for how wrong your guess must intrinsically be, by the laws of physics. sure, it doesn't apply at all on a macroscopic level, but it's just comforting for a screw-up like me to know that nothing's perfect, that not everything can be perfectly known. the idea that light used to observe or measure things would have to necessarily make the measurement inaccurate to an extent...i love it.

but, if there were one neat little equation that you used to solve coaxial cable problems, i'd list that too. because...i heart solving those, they were my favourite problems to solve in physics 142. finding the electric field in or around a coaxial cable--yay for maxwell's equations!!! :)

5. If you could be appointed to the Cabinet, which post would you want?

secretary of homeland security. first of all, i'd rename it, because calling it "homeland security" is as insulting as singing God Bless America at baseball games. this isn't our homeland at all. we stole it. it smacks of disregard for anything but white america. then, i'd use my leverage as secretary of homeland security to revamp policies that the bush administration has been using to "catch terrorists", or more accurately just keep an eye on our library records, hold "suspected terrorists" without writs of habeas corpus or rights to contact other words, i'd be secretary of homeland security because there needs to be someone in that post who gives a crap about our civil liberties, and uses it to regain and protect them as opposed to sacrificing them in the name of "catching terrorists".

Thursday, September 16, 2004

okay, so my friend and i had the most bizarre IM conversation today. i'm so amused that i had to post it.

notmchcall: i want winter to come!!
TheMindOfSpinoza: i know
TheMindOfSpinoza: long nights
TheMindOfSpinoza: bitter winds
notmchcall: snow
TheMindOfSpinoza: all experienced from the comfort of the reg
notmchcall: or herodotus the talking stick
notmchcall: in my case
TheMindOfSpinoza: oh right
notmchcall: ::halo::
TheMindOfSpinoza: ms i'm not in school anymore
TheMindOfSpinoza: suck it
notmchcall: nope, sorry
notmchcall: not sucking anything
TheMindOfSpinoza: nicky
TheMindOfSpinoza: don't lie
TheMindOfSpinoza: i know what you're sucking
TheMindOfSpinoza: i don't want you to mention it
TheMindOfSpinoza: and i don't want to think about it anymore
TheMindOfSpinoza: but you know just as well as i do
TheMindOfSpinoza: so, with that being said, we know that you're sucking at least one thing
notmchcall: and it's not attached to you
notmchcall: when you tell me to suck it, it is implicit that you are commanding me to suck something attached to josh ruby
notmchcall: which is something i am not doing.
TheMindOfSpinoza: no
TheMindOfSpinoza: there is no implicit antecedent
TheMindOfSpinoza: as i mentioned no antecedent
TheMindOfSpinoza: you assumed a connection that was not there
TheMindOfSpinoza: and we all know what happens when you assume, right nicky?
notmchcall: no, the phrase "suck it", as used in the vernacular, does have an implicit antecedent
notmchcall: namely, the utterer's phallus
notmchcall: if they want you to suck something else, they say it
notmchcall: as in "go suck an egg"
TheMindOfSpinoza: well then, in that case
TheMindOfSpinoza: go suck a tin can, nicky

random, i know...but too amusing to let it slide into digital oblivion.

(by the way...notmchcall is my IM handle...if any of you random readers are bored or just want to say hello, feel free to IM me. :) i don't bite.)
darn you finger eleven.

you're finally coming to chicago again, and it's the same weekend as the shucker.

why couldn't you have picked a different weekend to come--there is only one thing that can keep me away from seeing my favourite bands when they come to town.

and that thing is mock trial.
i just got an idea that i like a lot. there's so much white space on my bedroom walls...instead of hanging more things, i should write on my walls. i should also let my friends write on the walls. quotes, thoughts, hellos, whatever...i'll have to paint over it when i move out, which will be a pain in the butt, but it'll still be awesome to have stuff written all over my walls until then. it sounds like lots of fun, like one of my ugly blue notebooks, like one of my pairs of pants, like a work of patchwork art, in progress.

what do you think, dear readers?
i heard this song back in the spring, and hadn't heard it for a couple months--i forgot how absolutely awesome it was.

by spirit creek

follow leads it seems
are the means of the needs that open eyes
it's the same although disguised

God forbid if i ever want to strive
in a different light
i am not your black
i am not your white
i am not your

it's the same old nothing
someone else's something
analogue it's the same old nothing
someone else's something

another tool with belief in the rule
that there is nothing new left to do
thinking is a concept overdue

this is why i'm glad that I'm standing
on my own all alone
i'd rather say goodbye than live a lie

it's the same old nothing
someone else's something
analogue it's the same old nothing
someone else's something

what if i would dream
would you lend a hand or try to stop me
what if i would be
would you xerox me and make a copy
what if i
what if i
what if i
didn't want to be a drone
what if i
what if i
what if i
had a thought that was my own

it's the same old nothing
someone else's something
analogue it's the same old nothing
someone else's something

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

as a nerd, and proud of it, i don't know whether to laugh or cry.
"word up" by korn is the most pointless song ever. they've always been hit-or-miss with me, but even the misses were tolerable. not this one. it's like...a bad top-40 hip hop song with guitars...and not even that many guitars. it's worse than frat party playlist fodder. the lyrics are inane, the song isn't even catchy in a good way--it's catchy in the way that makes you prefer shooting yourself to ever having that song stuck in your head again.

if they hadn't jumped the shark yet, korn has definitely jumped the shark.
(i know a lot of people would disagree with that last post. but, right now...i'm having one of my bad days. maybe i just don't mean much to me today.)
i'm just another pretty face in a roomful of whores...

no, i don't mean much.
i don't really have much to say this morning... yesterday i ditched work to watch baseball. there were some funny stories that i might tell later, but right now i'm still groggy and grumpy and i woke up on the wrong side of the bed. i'd really like to be anywhere but work, i'd really like to be just curled up reading a storm of swords. i'd like my apartment to be less hot and humid, so maybe i could sleep better and not feel completely nasty all night. there are all these little things that would make me happier, but they just can't happen.

i need it to be friday. i need it to be 5 o'clock, or 6, or whenever it is that i'm off work and my boyfriend has come to town. i need a hug.

Monday, September 13, 2004

hog waste.
north carolina.
stay with me.
locked away.
nothing in particular.

no, this isn't poetry.
yes, this is me playing a word association with myself.
i'm entering barcodes of books about north carolina, north carolina laws.
i wasted fifteen and a half years of my life in that state.
no more.
the question of where i'm from is confusing.
it's usually not worth asking, since it takes a very long answer to get deep enough into the topic so that the answer will allow someone to get to know me any better.
but, i'm an open book.
i'd probably tell you.
odds are, you wouldn't want to hear it.
odds are, if you've been reading this long enough, you probably know it already.
better i provide mental images of tornadoes and anguish than of nudity, right?
it's less concrete that way.
although, depending on the circumstances, it's hard to tell what reveals more of me.
i've concluded that it's too specific to matter in any general sense.
it depends on the person.
it depends on the time.
it depends on my frame of mind.
it depends on your frame of mind.
this is a fruitless exercise.
most of blogging is, really.
it's daydreams.
it's words.
it's things that often don't mean a thing to anyone but me.
usually, if they mean something to other people but me, it comes out in conversation with them anyway.
but, it's comforting.
if i can't talk then, i can type here.
it's nice to be able to read back.
it's nice to be able to write random things down on the spur of the moment.
i can save my thoughts for later.
and, if an entry is particularly dumb, i can look back and laugh.
that, or cry.
this past weekend was one of the most wonderful weekends ever. i went down to st. louis to make a surprise visit to my boyfriend. :) it was so cute...he had no idea i was coming, and he was so shocked when i just turned up in his doorway. the weekend was really awesome...i got to meet some of his friends at wash u, see the law school, and see hero (good movie...very weird...) on friday. saturday we bummed around and watched football all day. sunday we slept in, went to lunch, went bowling, and then went to dinner, since one of his friends made yummy turkey chili. it was just a great, relaxing weekend with him...i hadn't seen him in four weeks, since the vegas trip, and i missed him so much.

and...i'm evil. i surprised him. ::grin::

Thursday, September 09, 2004

i have the most wonderful boyfriend ever.

right before lunch today, my phone was him, just calling to say hello.

that absolutely made my day. :)

i love him so much.
this is happy...about two weeks ago, i posted the lyrics to "control" by's so cool, one of the guys in the band (Ben) emailed me, and there's actually a link to my blog on their website, to my post of the lyrics. :)

it's a great song...although it's interesting, with the meaning of the lyrics. on the link to it on radio wazee, the streaming audio section, it says that it's "a song about a battered housewife". that makes perfect sense, but that's not the image that came to my mind when i listened to it. it's funny, i guess song interpretations so often become functions of what's going through the listener's mind at the time they hear it, or what's going on in the listener's life when they hear the song for the first time.

"something evil comes your loves you more than words can say"

what that made me think of, more than anything, was my family...and really, that's what the entire song makes me think about, the relationship between me and my relatives. because, sure, they love me, as they're supposed to love their daughter/niece/whatever. but, the bounds of how they express their love really do more to tie me down then to make me feel close to them. the desire, the expectation, for constant contact...their impression that i should still be willing and able to tell them about absolutely everything about my life, when i see no real need to...the fact that they get insulted when i try to tell them that's not the way it is, that i need to exist in my sphere a lot further away from them than they want me. it's evil that they berate me for this, although it's just their conception of how they think familial love should function.

"she thinks it's over...he thinks it's time to pay..."

it's been a huge problem, more and more since four years ago when i moved out to college, struck out on my own. here i am, i'm supposed to be living my own life, on my own terms, without people breathing down my neck with every step i take...and i only feel more smothered by any contact whatsoever from them.

"she's reaching for an open door...she's had enough...she can't take it anymore"

over the last year, and over the summer, i've had little bouts of strength to come clean with them, to tell them that i can't meet their demands for constant contact, that i'm not ten anymore, and that it's never again going to be the way they swear it was when i was younger. every time i win one of those small victories, i swear it's going to be better, but it never is...i tell one of them that she needs to back off, and she tells me that she will back off as long as we remain in constant contact by phone and e-mail. i tell the truth in bits and pieces, but can never bear to reveal the whole of my feelings, since they're insulted enough by the parts. i stew in it, i get stressed out by it, and my friends have to pick up the pieces.

"she runs back to that home sweet prison"

maybe this will end one day. maybe it will get better. maybe they'll realise how i work. but then again, maybe not. i'm doing what i can. they're not reasonable. i keep thinking i am, i want to believe i am, i want to believe that i'm doing what i can to preserve my feelings, preserve their feelings, deal with it all the best i can.

"she swears that she's in control"

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

i can't decide if this is a canadian band's rebuke to the awfulness that is george w. bush, or if it's a rebuke to someone who's wronged the speaker or the speaker's friend in some sort of personal relationship. either's a really, really good song.

"hundred million"
by treble charger

take a step off your soapbox and see
what it's like to be on the ground
check your ego in detox baby
'cause you're becoming unwound
and it's killing me

everyone complains about you
they don't even know what i've been through
i don't have the pain to doubt you
i just wanna throw you to the crowd

ask them if you want
i'll tell you what they'll say
a hundred million people voting my way
everything is wrong
with everything you say
a hundred million people seeing my way

go ahead
play the hero this time
if you have any spine
i'm at tolerant zero today
you can say anything to make me stay

with everything that's happened to me
i'm losing faith in everything i see
waiting for the walls to break free
i'm listening but i can't hear a sound

ask them if you want
i'll tell you what they'll say
a hundred million people voting my way
everything is wrong
with everything you say
a hundred million people seeing my way

you'll learn some day
you'll see my way
don't be afraid
just go my way

ask them if you want
i'll tell you what they'll say
a hundred million people voting my way
everything is wrong
with everything you say
a hundred million people seeing my way

a hundred million people seeing my way now
a hundred million people voting my way now
a hundred million people seeing my way
"one, one, two, three. one, one, two, three. one, one, two, three. one, one, two, three. five. eureka!"


"make a box..."

yes, i have a sudden, enormous urge to watch Square One this morning. i wonder if there are any episodes i can download online, or any websites devoted to it. this i have to investigate later today when i have a little more time to goof off on the computer. i haven't watched that show since seventh grade, but i loved it so much.

does anyone else remember that show?

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

i need to do something fun tonight. i don't think anything's going to happen...but i'm going to call people just in case something is going on that i don't know about. the last thing i want to do right now is sit at home and not do anything...although that's probably what i should do. i'm a bad person, a person who needs to be amused...sue me.
for about a week or two now, there has been a sidebar on blogger, about how to turn your blog into a source of revenue. apparently you can get paid when people click on ads in your blog, it's a new program through google. i'm wondering what the market for that is. i bet very few personal blogs, blogs like this one, would want ads on them. sure, i didn't care all that much when there used to be ads on the tops of the blogspot blogs...they were rather unintrusive. still, i was happy to see them go away and be replaced by the blogger toolbar. now, i bet the new ads won't be all that intrusive...but i still think it would be silly to advertise things on a personal blog. i'm sure corporate blogs, or big blogs with lots of visitors and lots of bandwidth costs might profit from particilating in adsense, but i can't imagine there are all that many such blogs compared to the random personal blogs that litter the web.

blogs that have no real business advertising. blogs like this one. blogs that don't mean a darn thing.
well, it's back to work today. blah...i'd really rather be at home sleeping, since every day over labour day weekend, some loud truck woke me up a lot earlier than i really wanted to face the world.

i want a cup of coffee, with real milk, not creamer.

i want to be done with my basement work so i can just stay at the computer.

i want to make fun plans for tonight.

but, most of all, i just want my boyfriend. it's been three and a half weeks since i've seen him, and that's just three and a half weeks too long.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

"gotta find a way
to make it through the day
'cause i've got no other home
nowhere left to go
now i'm out of reach
fighting gravity"
by Escape From Earth
my neck hurts...i'm in a state of concert hangover. escape from earth, inept, and dysception were absolutely amazing. i was especially in the mood to see dysception last night, since they're an angry-screamy-yelly band, and i was really in a rotten mood last night. it definitely improved my mood, all the music, the concert. still, i was really antisocial last night...there were a bunch of people i knew in line for the show, and i talked to them a bit, but i just wanted to be alone. i wanted it to be me and the music, and when there wasn't a band on stage, i just wanted to read the book i had brought with me.

after that i went to go see too much light makes the baby go blind. man, i missed that show. i hadn't been to go see it in about a's an amazing show. one of the plays last night, i actually got to be in, which amused me greatly. i had a funny feeling it was an audience-participatory play when the title was "reality theatre presents: trading places." so, i kept calling for it. when it got picked, one of the cast members was like, who wants to take my place in this play? i raised my hand and got picked to do it. she sat in my seat in the audience, and i went up on stage. they dimmed the lights, started the play...and then proceeded to announce..."the importance of being earnest. by oscar wilde." i knew it was going to be ridiculous--i've neither read nor seen that play, so i had no idea what kind of context i was jumping into. i said some random, random stuff...this guy sitting in a chair was ranting about random stuff, asking for his five o'clock refreshment, wondering where i'd been since last thursday...i came up with some random stuff about brewing the beer for his refreshment. there was stuff about marriage...i was kind of kicking myself afterwards, right after i replied to a marriage-type comment, i thought of the greatest line...but oh well, the crowd was amused by me anyway, i'm sure. :) it was lots and lots of fun...i love acting in front of groups of people, and i'd never gotten to go onstage like that and have a role in a too much light play before. i enjoyed doing that greatly.

then i went home to go to bed...went to sleep pretty quickly, but hoped to sleep in later than i did. i woke up at 9:40 or so this morning, which is bad since i didn't conk out until 2:30 or 3 last night. maybe i'll nap today, i have no plans.

Friday, September 03, 2004

good news: i won a $5 heads-up tourney on full tilt over lunch break.

even better news: it was on a 2-7 offsuit.

the pot i took to win the tourney was when i stayed in on 2-7 offsuit on the big blind. i flopped two pair, and turned the full house. he had me read for a pair, with a good kicker, or something to that effect....hehe. he was supershocked to see the cards i flipped over.

gotta love bad cards when they work for you. resolve finally died, and today i deposited fifty bucks in an account on full tilt poker. i'm playing online poker for real money now.

and strangely enough...on my fifteen minute break, i made $15 at a $1-$2 hold 'em table (that Perry Friedman was sitting at, to boot...). that's more than an hour's wages.

maybe i should be a professional poker player.
it took everything in me to make myself go to work this morning. i woke up with a neckache and a tummyache, and i couldn't sleep well to save my life last night. i dragged myself to work anyway, given that i need money and that next week is not a full week of work.

i also wanted food. there was no suitable breakfast at home (need to work on that...), so i was going to get money from the ATM at work and buy something at the cafeteria, a bagel or pop tarts or something. i go to the ATM...and it's out of money. grrrr. now my neckache and tummyache have subsided thanks to the magic of ibuprofen, but i'm now hungry enough to eat a horse, and the cafeteria here doesn't take plastic. therefore i'm hungry until i can leave work. i haven't decided yet if i'm going to stay a full day or not...i really really should, but i might end up ducking out a little early this afternoon. i don't know. blah. i'm hungry.

at least it's labour day weekend. i don't have all that much planned yet. i might go to the white sox game tonight--my roommate brought it up last night, and i haven't been to a baseball game in a month and a half, easy. saturday night's pretty packed... i'm seeing inept, escape from earth, and dysception at the metro. that should be awesome...i've been out of town so much that i haven't been to a concert since mobfest, about two months ago. i love all three of these bands, so it should be an awesome time. after the show, i'm going up to andersonville to see too much light makes the baby go blind, this wonderful wonderful stage show. i've seen it eight times (it changes every week), but the last time i went was about a year ago. it'll be wonderful to see it again.

other than that, my weekend's pretty open. i should do housework...ugh. the kitchen's a mess. my bedroom's a mess. i have to do laundry soon. i have to get my life in order.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

james traficant...he was belligerent, annoying, and a crook, but his one-minute speeches sure are a goldmine of humour.
i miss my boyfriend a lot. i haven't seen him in almost three weeks, since the trip to las vegas. i guess three weeks isn't the longest time ever that i've gone without seeing him, but that's rather irrelevant. it's gotten to the point where it drives me crazy when i go a day without seeing him, much less three whole weeks. i spent so long talking to him yesterday, between teh 45 minutes or so on the phone and the...most of my workday i spent talking to him on instant messages. it's really never enough. i love every moment of talking to him, and i just want to be able to see him again. at least i'll be able to see him again soon...less than three weeks from now, to be sure...

but still, that's really all i want this morning. to be in st. louis. with him.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

"show me how it ends, it's alright..."

i think it's sunk in exactly why "so cold" does so much to me. if someone who wrote songs knew me over the past year or so, it's the song they would have written about me, would have sung to me, to tell me they were there for me, or at least to reassure me that i wasn't completely out of my senses.

"you're so cold but you feel alive...lay your hands on me one last time."
it's been a long time since a song has just made me cry. it's funny...i've heard "so cold" by breaking benjamin quite a few times before, been kind of hooked on it for a while. the melody's amazing, when i hear it on the radio i would at least hum along, although i didn't know the words. today, i pulled up the song online, and had the presence of mind to just stop and pay attention to the lyrics of the song. they're absolutely amazing. they paint...such a picture of me. there are lines in the song that just thinking about them, i'm about to cry. i'm going to post the lyrics here...because there's very little i can say right now beyond what i've already said. that, and there's very little i can say right now that breaking benjamin hasn't said better.

"so cold"
by breaking benjamin

crowded streets are cleared away
one by one
hollow heroes separate
as they run

you're so cold
keep your hand in mine
wise men wonder while strong men die

show me how it ends
it's alright
show me how defenseless you really are
satisfied and empty inside
that's alright
let's give this another try

if you find your family
don't you cry
in this land of make believe
dead and dry

you're so cold
but you feel alive
lay your hands on me one last time

show me how it ends
it's alright
show me how defenseless you really are
satisfied and empty inside
that's alright
let's give this another try

show me how it ends
it's alright
show me how defenseless you really are
satisfied and empty inside
that's alright
let's give this another try

it's alright...