Wednesday, December 31, 2003

ah, new year's. another year older and deeper in debt...or maybe that's my birthday...or maybe sixteen tons.

need booze and james bond on gamecube. bye.

Sunday, December 28, 2003

::bangs head on wall::

Friday, December 26, 2003

flying blind
but i see more than you
knowing all the facts
it's still obscure what's true
need to figure all this out
need to choose a course to run
it's the shadows or the bludgeon now
so naive
by charleston dueling society

it seems like i'm waiting for my cue
a hint that i'm falling too close to you
my guess is you don't care of the things i do
you still portray the things that i'm looking for

you invite me over
you lead me on
but it's for the wrong reasons
and i leave there unwanted

right now i'm hearing all these tunes
i'm waiting for one to get me through
i'm taking hostage the things you said
and stare up confused as i lie in bed

you invite me over
you lead me on
but its for the wrong reasons
and i feel so unwanted
i'm so ready for the holidays to be over. i still absolutely hate holidays, they're a lot more stress and argument than they're worth. for example, dinner tonight. my aunt spent all day in the kitchen making dinner, and i appreciate that. but, i just had way too much food on my plate. i ate until i was full. that only happened to be half the plate...and she got passive-aggressive about it. she was insulted, and i'm pretty insulted that she was insulted. it's not as if i was ungrateful about the dinner, i just wasn't able to eat a heaping large plate of food. i ate about half of everything, i ate a reasonable sized meal. i just didn't stuff myself so full that i had to be rolled away from the table, and that made her mad. i don't know what to say or do...i'm just ignoring it and moving on.

that was annoying, but not as deeply worrying as something else about today. there were several presents under the tree from Pure Evil that i guess had come in the mail. i didn't give it anything for christmas, and i was hoping it wouldn't give me anything. now, i don't know how to respond. i don't know what the etiquette is for if i acknowledge it or not, especially given that we are decidedly Not Talking. i don't want to talk to it, and i don't want to encourage it to give me any more gifts, ever. it feels like such a manipulative gesture when we just had a shouting match a few weeks ago, when i told it that i have nothing to say to it and that i don't feel comfortable talking to it. (i know, this response doesn't sound full of holiday cheer or goodwill, but neither is my father or any dealings with my father!) what do i do here? i don't have the foggiest.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

pens. paper. keyboard. strings. time. disappearance. introspection. analysis. impulse. answers.

i may soon need all of the above more than ever.

oh crud. oh crud. oh crud. oh crud. oh crud. oh crud. oh crud.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Monday, December 22, 2003

"i'll always let you down
yeah but i don't care
you'll never understand
i've wasted all the time in the world in your eyes"
"Father's Eyes"
by The Blank Theory

(i know, i've posted the lyrics to that song in this thing before, but the song is ringing in my head, and it continues to be a good snapshot of how i see my life and many of my family relationships right now. at least somebody gets it...and by somebody, i mean the blank theory...)

Sunday, December 21, 2003

it's been surprisingly tolerable here in idaho. i've been laid up sick in bed for two days, but there haven't been any major family blow-ups, thank goodness. it's a beautiful thing. i think the only thing i'm really fearing is when Pure Evil calls on christmas...i need to make clear to everyone here not to pass the phone to me then, since i know it will call. that may cause a problem, but not as big of one as talking will.
i saw a sign on friday night. it said "jesus is the goodness of christmas."

you'd think i saw it on a church...or a christian bookstore...or even in front of a person's house. none of these would be disturbing or out of line at all, it would be kind of quaint.

it wasn't in front of any of these kinds of things.

and it was downright disturbing.

i looked above the words, and they were on the sign for a PREGNANCY CENTRE!!! clearly, from the sign, you could tell it was one of those crisis pregnancy centres that shows you pictures of aborted fetuses and tells you that it's an evil thing, a murderous thing, to get an abortion.

i'm not bothered by the idea of religious objections to abortions--i just don't think it's anyone's place to force such objections on others, in a legal, medical, or psychiatric context. it's "a woman's choice" for a reason--abortion is something that's up to the individual woman to choose whether or not it's the right thing to do. i'm so bothered by places that try to pass themselves off as pregnancy clinics when, in reality, all they do is try to bully as many women as possible to carry their babies through to term--babies that they may not be ready, willing, or able to raise.

this is why that sign disturbed me.
"bruises on your face
i guess you fell down the steps again
it's such a shame
you let it happen over and over again
this isn't what you wanted
someone to break you down every motherfucking day
it's not the life you wanted
someone to make you
someone to break you"
"This Life"
by Primer 55

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

i'm having a horrible morning, and it's all because of an email i read last night. i hadn't checked my hotmail account in a while...i checked it last night, and there was an email from Pure Evil (my father) in there which i made the mistake of reading. i think the reason it gets under my skin so badly is that the whole situation completely screws with my sense of what's real and what's not real. every time i have a nervous breakdown prompted by it, my friends (God bless all of them!) assure me that i am a good person and that he is not. when i'm feeling stable, i believe it. when i'm feeling stable, i assure myself that i didn't get where i am today, surrounded by the wonderful people i'm surrounded with, by being a completely evil, manipulative, and awful human being. still, when i'm left alone with my thoughts, i can't help but have this one little thought bug me to no end...i'm sure there are people telling it the same thing. i'm sure the wife tells him the same thing. i'm sure there are friends, somewhere, telling it the same things that my friends tell me. this thought bothers me, because it it leaves open the idea that i'm just as evil as he is, or that i'm the evil one and it's the...good one. i can't help but think that it thinks that i'm the evil one for flinging seventeen years back in its face (yes, i'm 21, but i've been functionally out of its life since i started college, which is the way i prefer things.), even though it was seventeen years being raised by a COMPLETE STRANGER. i can't help but think that it thinks i've sided with my aunt and my mother, and that that's a bad thing that i did just to offend him...but it's not a game of sides. it's a question of people i can depend on, people i feel comfortable with, and people who haven't lied to me my entire life. it has. they haven't.

i've got more issues with that email, but i have to be heading back to work now. probably more rants about this later...thinking about this is getting really taxing, and i'm stuck doing so until five thirty. :(

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

indulge me in one more non sequitur, and then i REALLY should be getting back to work.

abstinence has a high failure rate

okay, so i'm not catholic, but i clicked this link off of a random blog and i saw this slogan--and i haven't seen it put that eloquently in a long, long, long time. i think this just made my day.
total non sequitur...i was clicking on random blogs on the "recently updated" list, and one guy was doing his year in review stuff, a list of CD's or something. i don't want to think about a "year in review". i don't want to think this year's almost over, it's gone by too fast. then again, maybe it'll be good when this year ends because i can at least feign a new start. maybe it won't all be feigning...i've changed a lot from the beginning of 2003 until now, things around me have changed, people have entered my life, people have exited my life, and i've found and pursued new passions. i think year in review lists are kind of silly, but i'd be a liar to say they're not fun to read. maybe this blog will feature a few lists, or a few rants (like this one...ugh), or something to commemorate the year that was and to ring in the year that's about to...set in.

but i refuse to think that the new year's about to set in. i still have two weeks, darn it.
am i bored or just pathetic?

Monday, December 15, 2003

i'm starting to have a profound dread of going to idaho...i wish i didn't have to go. i've had a bad enough time dealing with anything family-related over the last few months while i've been away, and now i'm going to have to stare it in the face and live among it for ten days. granted, it's not Pure Evil, or any real emissaries of Pure Evil (unless you count my brothers, who still get along with it, but i still wouldn't call them emissaries...). still, i'm tired of the entire arena. today is one of those days where i'm so tempted to wish i had witnessed some horrible crime and had to be put in witness protection. then again, if i went into witness protection, i'd lose my friends, my non-family life, as well, and that's a sacrifice that i'm not willing to make at all. i wouldn't want to give up the people i find dear, the people who are my closest support system, the people who hold me up amid the onslaught of the institution with whom i'm frustrated to have to share blood and ties.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

this has been a really crazy week. finals week is usually crazy, and getting all my finals done this week was indeed crazy, but i'm thinking more for a good reason, a really good reason. it's so weird...i've been so...voraciously single, so adamantly single since May. i haven't met anyone i've wanted a relationship with, and i haven't really wanted a relationship in the first place. now, though, it's looking as though i'm facing a relationship head-on...and i like it. i've only known him for about a week (i met him at the Inept show last weekend...hence all the random references in my blog over just the past week to being really mushy...), but we get along so well, and we had the most amazing time on thursday night. he's sweet, and adorable, and cute, and open...he just rocks. i'm probably going to be seeing him again today, which i'm really, really excited about! i really don't know how to explain it, i've been the adamant, flirtatious, silly, single-or-bust girl for the last seven months now, and now...bam. being single was a blast, but so is this. :)

Friday, December 12, 2003

i haven't been this happy and giddy and mushy in a very long time. life is so good. :)

Thursday, December 11, 2003

i'm in such a punk rock mood today. i need to burn a lot more of my punk rock collection to minidisc so i can take it to work and everywhere else to me.

speaking of punk rock, you know whose lead singer has an awesome voice? shot baker. they're a local punk band (i heard them 'cause they opened for ratbag hero back in october). their singer's voice is just so brazen and full, i love listening to it. i need to snag their CD somehow (i know they've got one out, i think they sell it at their shows...), and i need to see them live again because they rock. hard.
i can't believe "motorway" by emmet swimming has been around over five years. i can't believe that song is from my junior year of high school. i was just listening to it, and every time i listen to it it still feels like this new song to me, but it's not. it just never gets old...i love that song so much. i wonder if emmet swimming is still together--i hope they are, because i'd love to see them live. i wanted to go see them on my seventeenth birthday at the brewery back in raleigh, but i wasn't allowed to...that made me sad. :( i want to see them, their music is so good. it's mellower than i normally like, but it's so engaging and the lyrics are so deep and meaningful.

did i mention i love emmet swimming?

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

i'm tired, i'm not making any sense, but at least i'm about to go to bed. it sucks that i'm going to work all day tomorrow (i'd rather just sleep all day), but eh well...i need to earn some $$ because i'm freaking broke. work it is.

and, i'm looking forward to after work tomorrow. :) it'll be a blast.
done...it's 21 pages long, i've done with it all i can do, and now i'm at the mercy of the professor. i'm leaving to turn it in. i'm sick of the library. i want to go to sleep, and now i can because this evil awful quarter is finally OVER!!!!

happy me!! happy me!!
12 pages...it's 4am...starting to feel more and more screwed again. i don't know what to include, or what not to include. i should just start including everything. i hate writing this paper. my brain is starting to want to shut off, and i'm starting to not make any sense. i only need to do this for thirteen more hours or so, then it'll all be over and i can go to sleep and life will be just fine.

i can't stand this. i can't do work this quarter, and tonight's no exception. (or, this morning, i guess...) i wish some of my friends were here, so i could go talk to them, but alas...they all left about three hours ago, leaving me here all by my lonesome in the library. they're all sleeping now. i'm envious.
who in their right mind decided that there needs to be a christmas parody of "because i got high"?? i guess some guy named bob rivers decided that "be claus i got high" was a good idea...and i just think he was high.

usually radio wazee plays some darn good stuff, but this song is an exception. they should blow it off their playlist, pronto.

eh well. less rant, more work. :-P
i've got about eight pages written now...things are chugging along a little better now. i know it's only temporary, because i'm just up to the part where i have to summarize committee hearings (a.k.a. the easy part!), but whatever...at least more pages are appearing out of thin air. given that it's only 1am, and i'm really not tired yet, i'm starting to think this might be doable. i'm starting to feel less screwed.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

five and a half pages...boy am i screwed screwed screwed...and i'm still procrastinating...and the adrenaline hasn't kicked in yet...and i'm still procrastinating...and my thoughts are still going everywhere at once...

i hate this! i need a hug! i need this all to be over!
three and a half pages written. my head tells me i'm screwed, but i just don't feel screwed yet. i'm just writing...and procrastinating...and writing...and procrastinating. at least i've secured one of the windows machines, which means i won't be kicked out of the maclab at 1am...which means i can stay in this little corner of the library until my entire paper gets written...until tomorrow afternoon, most likely. tonight's going to suck, but i can't much complain because it's going to be my only all-nighter (or, my only non-amusement-and-debauchery-related all-nighter) of the quarter.

...and my stat final is done. it was easy, but my calculator decided to break down in the middle of it. eh well...at least one of the profs had an extra one i could borrow. thank goodness. (and now my calculator is fixed, because Seamus is officially The Man. God bless Seamus.)

alright...less rant, more U.S. Congress paper. ugh.
i got up maybe twenty minutes ago, and i'm supposed to have gone to the library by now. not so much...i'm still home. the good news is, i've got a title for my paper:

Any Question In My Head Remains Until You Feel The Same:
Gridlock, the 105th Congress, and the Child Custody Protection Act

i wanted some kind of random music reference that no one would get...and i think this fits the bill. yay for random finger eleven quotes that relate at least obliquely to the paper that i'm writing. :) happy me.

i also have a theoretical framework for my paper, i was reading some stuff about gridlock theory and found out that the theory only makes partial sense in relation to my bill and what happened to it. therefore, i've got something to go to town on, which is good 'cause this is a 25 page paper and i really do need to find as much as i can to write a lot about.

and despite all these grandiose ideas, am i actually writing my paper? no. i'm at home, chatting online, with the person who has become the bane of my productivity...and the source of my silly giddiness...darn me for meeting a cute, sweet, funny guy at the inept show this weekend, right before finals week and all!! :-D

Monday, December 08, 2003

i'm mushy and i'm unproductive. so little of my paper is actually done, but i'm really really happy right now, so it doesn't really matter right now. :)
i'm being so unproductive it's not even funny, but i'm having a blast. screw work.
i'm getting somewhere on that paper...i'm reading through congressional hearing testimony. i'm writing about a bill (a bill that failed, THANK GOD!) that would have made it illegal to take a minor over state lines for an abortion to evade parental consent laws. it's so depressing reading all of these people's testimony supporting that bill. i don't think there should be parental consent or notification laws at all...if a minor wants to tell their parents, if they have an open enough relationship to tell their parents, then they will and they should. but, if not, they shouldn't have a random, imposing judge be their only option for exercising their right to an abortion. (i've never been pregnant, but if i had been pregnant as a teenager, i don't know if i'd have been able to tell my parents or not. i may or may not have been able to tell my mother, and i sure as all get out would not have been able to tell my father about it!) this bill won't even let them go with another family member, a counselor, a religious leader, or another trusted adult to get an abortion. the people who favoured that bill kept talking about how kids need to tell their parents, and about how there are such risks with getting an abortion. sure, getting an abortion probably sucks. a lot. still, like getting pregnant at the age of sixteen would not suck? like that would not be risky? either way, there will be lifelong repercussions by getting pregnant. i see this law leaving kids who can't talk to their parents with two options: screw up their lives by forcing them to have a kid they may not want or be able to care for, or screw up their lives by forcing them to sneak over to another state or sneak out for a back alley abortion. she couldn't win.

like i said, thank goodness this law failed. still, i'm getting so pissed off reading this testimony from all of these clueless people. it's depressing as all get out.
guilty pleasure song of the moment: "i believe in a thing called love" by the darkness. sure, it's the resurrection of bad eighties hair metal, and it's bad, but it's ridiculous and funny and over the top.

(still, i think it was better when i thought it was called "i believe in a thing called lo"--the first time i heard it, that was what Radio Wazee said it was called, since there wasn't enough space in the playlist box atop the screen to fit the full title.)
these next three days are going to be, well, one last scene of struggling for this awful quarter of school. last friday was my last scene of struggling against Pure Evil about those financial aid forms and everything else. it makes me feel a little better to know it's the last, but it's still struggling... anyway, relevant song lyrics.

the last scene of struggling
by finger eleven


the static grows
and kills the message
unclear as the wind blows
thin whispers through all the wreckage
you said you planned to fail
looking so safe but sorry
so be sure to bring the nail
and seal the exit out

feel the way through your revelation
does it feel the way you want to
you want to
just say it like it's all true
you just tell it like you want to

you bled along
the edge of reason
you could have changed your mind
into the driest season
don't explain
i know the lives that you let go
the ones you thought you knew
held out for deep dark truth

feel the way through your revelation
does it feel the way you want to
you want to
just say it like it's all true
you just tell it like you want to

calculate one last scene of struggling
as i'm sinking i'll be looking for you
'cause you know who to blame

but you can't stop the plan
'cause supply met demand

feel the way through your revelation
does it feel the way you want to
you want to
just say it like it's all true
you just tell it like you want to


i think my favourite passage in the song is:
"you said you planned to fail
looking so safe but sorry
so be sure to bring the nail
and seal the exit out"
it describes oh-so-perfectly what happened on friday. i knew it was going to be bad when i called Pure Evil to check up on the forms, especially since i had decided to go one step further and reveal my gripes to it, to actually try and stand up to it as opposed to nodding and smiling. planning to fail described it well, i knew i was going to piss it off. the fact that i did engage in the shouting match that i guess we were both going towards, that was my way of bringing the nail. that was my way of sealing the exit out, because i'm sure i've completed the alienation that he's been pushing for for so long. this distance is painful, but i've realised that it's the only good thing that can happen in this situation.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

i'm getting mushy. this is weird. i don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. it's definitely not a usual thing for me--i'm not a mushy person, darnit!!! i'm just not!!!
i feel better today than i've felt in a while. the concerts last night were absolutely AMAZING...i got to bask in the awesomeness of Inept, Reforma, The Blank Theory, and Escape from Earth, among other bands, all in one night! i saw people i knew, i met lots of new people, and i just had an all-around awesome time. my ears are still ringing, and my neck hurts from headbanging, but screw the occupational hazards--i love going to shows!!

now i just have to deal with the last couple days of school for the quarter, the last final and the last paper, and i'll be all better now.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

...so calling him and standing up to him was supposed to make me feel better. it happened almost 24 hours ago, and i don't feel any better. at least i'm not dreading doing it anymore, but i'm dreading the fallout that he's going to inflict on the rest of my family. he's clearly not going to call me about it...which is good for me, since i can't deal with talking to him. still, it's not going to be pretty dealing with the secondhand fallout.

i also can't shake the feeling that he won the battle, or even the war yesterday. i wrote out cue cards so i could say what was on my mind without going too crazy, and they failed me miserably. it degraded into a shouting match. it degraded into a kindergarten argument as to whether or not i was a selfish bitch. i was too angry to cool my head. my purpose was to stand up to him, and despite my screaming and yelling i still didn't feel like i had a spine.

my head tells me that he's just trying to manipulate me, but he's just so good at it. he's good at making me feel like an awful person. he's good at making me feel like it's a bad thing that i don't talk to him, that i can't talk to him, even though there's really no good that can come of me maintaining a relationship with him at this point in my life.

in other words, it was supposed to make me feel better, but i still feel like a worthless human being. maybe even moreso than before, if that's possible.

Friday, December 05, 2003

wish me luck...wish me some guts...wish me a spine. i'm about to call Pure Evil, and if it's home to pick up the phone, i'm going to lose it. it's pathetic...i had to make up some cue cards so i know what to say to talk to it. i wish i didn't have to do this, but i do. this is hell. pure hell.
should have gone to bed right after i finished that paper two hours ago...not so much. ended up burning minidiscs and talking to people on AIM...and i just finished. i'm not going to work tomorrow, i'm going to the library to work on my poli-sci paper. that's just what has to happen so i won't flunk out.

must...get...some...guts... there's someone i've been talking to that i want to ask out...it was hanging over my head all night when i was talking to her...i wimped out...maybe next time.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

random thought: i really like "Realign" by Godsmack. so many of their recent songs sound the same, and this one kinda does too, but for some reason i really like it...it's got a really engaging groove to it. i want to sing along when i hear it...but that would be contingent on knowing the words to it, which i sure don't.
i haven't heard this song in forever...and it's on radio wazee right now. it's a stupid song, as most of Local H's stuff is, but i forgot how fun it was to hear this song. i feel like posting the lyrics to it, so i'm going to. it's a silly, beautiful breath of fresh air--the lyrics are so candid and self-deprecating.

"all the kids are right"
by local h

you heard that we were great
but now you think we're lame
since you saw the show last night
you hoped that we would rock
knock it up a notch
rockin was nowhere in sight

and its never good when it goes bad
no one likes to feel like they've been had
and it may be ok
but you won't wear our t-shirts now
anymore

first the band looked wired
then the band looked tired
sluggish and a little slow
he's walking through the set
as drunk as he could get
and what the hell was wrong with joe?

and you could tell the crowd was fading fast
every song we played looser than the last
and it may be ok
but you won't wear our t-shirts now

all the kids, they hold a grudge
their minds are logged onto the net
and all the kids, they hold a grudge
you've failed them and they won't forget it
all the kids are tired and turn away
its alright to admit
you're all wrong and all the kids are right

you heard that we were great
but now you know we're lame
since you saw the show last night
you hoped that we would rock
you wished that we'd just stop
and finally we said "good night"

when we had returned for the encore
you and half the room had headed for the door
no one wanted more

all the kids, they hold a grudge
their minds are logged onto the net
and all the kids, they hold a grudge
you've failed them and they won't forget it
all the kids, they're tired and turn away
all the kids, they hold a grudge
their minds are logged onto the net
and all the kids, they hold a grudge
you've failed them and they won't forget it
all your crud won't save you from the kids

its alright to admit
you're all wrong and all the kids are right
"i know it's hard to keep an open heart
when even friends seem out to harm you
but if you could heal a broken heart
wouldn't time be out to charm you
sometimes i need some time on my own
sometimes i need some time all alone
everybody needs some time on their own
don't you know you need some time all alone
and when your fears subside
and shadows still remain
i know that you can love me
when there's no one left to blame
so never mind the darkness
we still can find a way
'cause nothing lasts forever
even cold november rain"
"November Rain"
by Guns 'N Roses
had a painful conversation with my aunt today, right in the middle of work. she called me on my cell...i was sitting at a computer, and i decided i'd rather talk to her than, well, work. i needed to work some stuff out, talk to her about my father's failure to fill out financial aid forms, so it was a necessary conversation. all in all, it also showed what a good person she is...no matter how much i complain about things she does sometimes, or how she perceives me, or how deep into the whole shrink thing she is, the fact remains that she's there for me, that she's a good person. still, talking about the issue of my father is a painful thing, and it didn't help having my mother chortling in the background about how i need to stay in contact with my father and get along with my father and go see my father--i don't have to see that man if i don't want to. i also think i finally told my aunt once and for all that i'm not going to law school next year...i told her this on several occasions before, but i finally broke it down into the naked truth--i.e., i'm sick of school and having a hard enough time slogging through this year. she's disappointed, i know, but she's just going to have to deal.

that was fragmented, that made no sense, but i just had to rant about it somewhere. that somewhere is my blog, because blogging about my family problems means i'm not writing the papers that i have to write for tomorrow.
coupling up. one month anniversary. one year anniversary. engagement. over the last week or two, various couples of my friends have gone through all of these things. they're extolling the virtues of being in relationships. i don't completely feel like a black sheep for being single, but in my circle, we single people are becoming a dying breed.

is it okay not to even want to be in a relationship right now? i don't want anything long and committed, i don't even want anything short-term. the truth of the matter is, a relationship means an emotional tie. i'm not ready for that, i don't have the time, inclination, or energy for it. i'm not still recovering from my relationship with my ex with whom i broke up in May (okay, that recovery took two weeks, tops!), but i still have no desire to risk falling in over my head in a relationship and the requisite planning.

i don't want to fall in love. i don't want that cutesy crap. i want to flirt with everyone in sight. i want to play the field. i want to be the person your parents warned you about, the sultry seductress. i want a warm body to have some fun with and sleep next to every so often...i have divorced sex and love, and i find one-night trysts to be a lot of fun. i want to run wild with my animal attractions and my crazy nature.

maybe i'll be up for the whole relationship thing one day, but that day isn't today. 21 is too young for that, for me.
as much as i moan and complain about my job, at least it's an excuse to not do my schoolwork. it's an excuse to sit and listen to my music.

but it's also a venue for stewing in everything i want to forget. sometimes i don't know what wins out.
"can't stand living
so we wait for another day
i'll pull through
i know you can't stand me
but we're stuck here anyway"
"Motorway"
by emmet swimming

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

at least there's now a bright spot in my life: my minidisc player works! i got it interfaced with my computer yesterday (yay for combining old and new versions of software to get that sucker working on my stinky old windows 98!). i got it working, and then i thought my player was busted. but, i successfully fixed it today, i don't know what i did, but thank goodness!! i'm now listening to the wonderful sounds of Celldweller--and it's perfectly portable!!!!!!!!
"vacant" by dead man holiday is an amazing song. dead man holiday needs to play more shows. they need to play out again, if anything, just so i can hear that song live one more time.
tonight's senior night at the pub. i should be looking forward to it: a night at the pub with a bunch of my friends. karaoke. beer. but, i don't know...i'm not really dreading it, but i'm not really looking forward to it either. i'm a little bummed because i'm missing the shooting blanks concert, even though i can't explain why...i enjoy shooting blanks and the symptoms, it's fun punk rock, but they're not my favourite bands in the world. (i'd also probably be walking right into a trap if i went there, but that's another story.) i'm not having any sort of falling out with my friends who i'm supposed to meet there...quite the contrary, things are going really well with them, and they're just being there for me during this time of my insanity and frustration. i'm also really not up for drinking, or drinking very much tonight...it's the theory that a sad drunk is still just as sad, if not more so. you can't drink to forget, and it even makes you sadder. even if it is a night out with my friends--including one of my closest friends, who's taking a leave of absence this quarter and actually is in town just to visit everyone here (he's leaving tomorrow), i really don't know how much of a mood i'm in to spend tonight in a pub. i guess, at least there's karaoke...and singing in front of people always includes my mood...if only for a while...

i'm just not having a good day.
"there we go
fly far away
supposed to die in this
and then i wake"
"World Inside Me"
by Inept

(no matter what else may be going wrong, no matter how bad it is if i end up calling my father and yelling him out tomorrow, no matter how bad doing my homework and my finals and everything gets, at least i have a reprieve with the shows on saturday night...at least i'll get to see Inept, Reforma, The Blank Theory, and Escape From Earth that night. and then, at least i will wake from this thing that i'm probably supposed to die in, i'll wake the end of next week when everything's over, when i'm free from the shackles of studenthood for a couple of weeks.)
had a breakdown tonight while i was out with three of my friends...it was about my father. the good news is, they all sat and talked with me for an hour or so, calmed me down, and just worked through my incoherent ranting about what a jerk my father is. the problem is that they've all decided that i need to call my father tomorrow and just let loose and yell at him, call him out on his failings--i know that's the right thing to do, but i don't know if i have the wherewithal to do it. i can't stand up to evil...i may have grown up with a stranger, but i grew up with him, and i find it hard to yell. it's just easier to not talk. then again, maybe easier may not be the way to go here.

he still hasn't submitted my financial aid forms for this school year. this is going to put me in so much debt if he doesn't submit them. they're two stinking pages, and they're probably full of zeroes anyway 'cause he's a drunk who doesn't work. i'm so mad i can't see straight.

way for me to ruin a perfectly decent evening with my instability and my family problems. at least i have the greatest friends in the world...they listen to me and support me and are just beautiful people. i love them dearly, i don't know what i would do, what i could do, without them.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

i suffered through the most excruciatng and awful 45 seconds of my life today, but at least they're over. at least i ranted afterwards, and then went out to an awesome rock show. at least i can forget about them, just for a while.

at least i'm immune from talking to my father for the shortest time being.

Monday, December 01, 2003

as someone who seems to be sorely disappointing one side of her family and then is just tormented by the other side, it's as if this song wraps both sides of that into one little narrative. therefore, this song hits home.

father's eyes
by the blank theory


you tried to control everything
you tried to live through me
you tied my hands with your condescension
i was always walking on glass
you kept me locked in the past
everything i did was to get your attention

i'll always let you down
yeah but i don't care
you'll never understand
i wasted all the time in the world in your eyes
father's eyes

you twist my thoughts with your ways
you let my feeling decay
and now i'm afraid of the world around me
don't let me think for myself
you wish i was somebody else
everything i did was for you
what about me

i'll always let you down
yeah but i don't care
you'll never understand
i wasted all the time in the world in your eyes
you'll never understand
i'll withstand the pain inside
a father's eyes

all the things you broke
all the things you took away
all the things you lost
all the promises you made
never giving in
always feeling betrayed
i won't let you out of my head


i'll always let you down
yeah but i don't care
you'll never understand
i wasted all the time in the world in your eyes
i'll always let you down
yeah but i don't care
you'll never understand
i wasted all the time in the world in your eyes
father's eyes
i don't want to go to class this morning. i want to stay home and blast The Blank Theory and learn all the words to the album and just sing along. their music is great--it's angsty, it's rocking, it's exactly what i need this morning.

need to figure out what i'm doing tonight. i want to find a show to go to, or at least a show to waltz up to afterwards and pass out a boatload of Inept flyers. i need to do some more promoting for the show on saturday night at the metro...it's Inept, Reforma, and The Blank Theory...three of the most amazing bands the chicago scene has.
lesson of the day: it's hard to find the right people for a band. anyone who is in a band who's intact, complete, and not having trouble finding personnel is in a position that i envy to no end right about now.

we've got four members who seem to be clicking really well...our drummer, our lead guitar player, our bassist, and myself (i'm the singer). the three of them have been playing together for a year or so, i've been in the band since about early september. we've gone through two rhythm guitarists since then, both of them having been extremely adept at things like skipping practice and not learning their parts. not so good. then, we have our keyboardist, who comes to practice, but never practices his stuff outside practice, and therefore does not know his parts. in one of our songs, i not only have to sing, but i have to play air keyboard to tell him when to come in and to tell him what rhythm to play. i know his part better than he does, and i'm not even the keyboard player. it gets so frustrating. so, we're back to looking for a rhythm guitarist, and back to looking for a keyboard player. hopefully we'll find the right people, people who will work on the music, people we can get along with...so we don't have to be continuously going back to square one, so we can progress and get better and know more songs and play live. my bassist and i are going to be looking at musician boards and stuff, and i think i'm going to post some signs around school.

and, if you're a guitarist or a keyboard player, and you live in chicago, and you're reading my blog for some reason, drop me an email. you should join my band. :)