Sunday, November 30, 2003

begin silly stream of consciousness

it's after 3am. it's late. i can't form a coherent enough thought in my head to really do anything, but i'm too wired to sleep. i don't know why. i'm surfing the web, but even that's getting old, because i'm hunched over my computer, and my back has been aching all evening. i'd rant to a real live human being, but no one's up, not even anyone on my aim buddy list--and there's ALWAYS someone up on my aim buddy list. this whole thing makes no sense...i was so close to conking out an hour or two ago, and then...not so much. it might make it better if i could crank some music, but my roommate is sleeping. she can put up with a lot, she can put up with lights and me being awake and shuffling papers and hanging my precious setlist collection up on the wall, but i'm not going to subject her to blaring music. granted, i think the music i'd want to blare would be slow and melancholy, but it would also be loud, and i'd start singing along, and it just wouldn't be a very nice thing to do to someone who's lucky enough to have the precious gift of sleep right now.

this is the most gratuitous, self-important blog entry ever because i'm ranting about absolutely nothing of any consequence to anyone but me. still, since no one is up or around to tolerate my ranting, my blog is the only repository.

speaking of ranting, a total non sequitur...i played cards with a couple of my friends today, and they were doing the same jokes that they always make about me. still, for some reason, it bothered me a lot more today than it ever has before. not only that, but the making fun of me seemed less an interspersed thing (which is amusing) and more a constant thing...as in, all they did was lay down a card, take a potshot at me. lay down another card, take another potshot at me. i tried to roll with it, and i did so without breaking down, but it sometimes makes me wonder. they clearly don't mean it maliciously, i know them too well for that. still, even good-natured ribbing, when done without end for a two hour period, gets a little old and a little grating on the old self-esteem. hopefully they'll calm down tomorrow, find something to talk about in addition to comparing me to a certain bleating farm animal.

i need sleep. i need more human interaction--i've had virtually none over the last few days. it's recharging to an extent, but it also gets very, very lonely and very, very disillusioning--i am, in fact, alone with all my wrongs. i can rip myself to shreds, and there's no one there to distract me, comfort me, or tell me i'm being hypercritical. i can give myself a pep talk about believing that i'm worth something, or worth nothing, and for all practical purposes convince myself of anything i want. i can disappear in crowds with nothing but my own emotions and desires to guide me. i can laugh at the little ironies i note, but feel trapped in the idea that no one else would find the ironies funny, or even want to know about these ironies. (yes, this is something that did happen earlier today, but you don't want to know the story, it's a minor, odd addendum to the same story i didn't tell two weeks ago, the one that validates my existence as a manipulative wench. i haven't even told my best friend that story...which is strange, given that i've told him almost all my worse stories.)

at least i have band practice tomorrow. hopefully i'll be able to sing. my throat has been hurting all week, and it's still aching, so i'm still just hoping and praying that it goes away by five o'clock tomorrow. singing is a relase. singing means i can disappear from everything that's weighing on me and just bleed in a healthy, constructive way. singing is beautiful. singing is necessary.

end silly stream of consciousness
"let me lose my mind again
this time forever"
"Recluse"
by The Blank Theory

Saturday, November 29, 2003

i'm totally getting somewhere writing music for this mellow, bitter song--it's the lyrics i posted into this thing on monday. still, i think it would sound better on an acoustic guitar (it's really really strummy), but seeing as how i don't have one, i guess it's electric or bust until i can get my paws on one, right? eh well...i'm coming up with some neat sounding chords and chord progressions, it all sounds so melancholy and weary, which is what the lyrics convey. therefore, i'm succeeding at something.
i could be responsible and hold on to my money...or i could give in to the pull of awesome music. guess what i did when i was at borders today and found beyond the calm of the corridor?

now i've got 13 songs from The Blank Theory i can blast, instead of just the 3 from the demo. :) 13 songs that i can listen to in anticipation of the show a week from today. i haven't seen TBT for over two years (or, i guess, haven't seen them play...i saw most of the band members two weeks ago, but that was hanging out after the escape from earth/inept show...i digress...), and i can't wait to see them again finally!
"slow chemical"
by finger eleven

the wonder of the world is gone and old for sure
all the wonder that i would have found in her
as a hole becomes another strike to burn
an old flame returns

every intuition fails to find it's way
one more table turned around i'm back again
finding i'm a lost and found when she's not around
when she's not around i feel it coming down

get me what i could never ask for
connect me and you could be my chemical now
give me the drug you know I'm after
connect me and you could be my chemical

when everybody wants (the chemical of) your soul
when everybody wants (the chemical of) your soul

slow and
everybody wants you
so slow and
everybody wants your soul

give me what i could never ask for
connect me and you could be my chemical now
give me the drug you know i'm after
connect me and you could be the chemical
you could be the chemical
you could be the chemical
you could be the chemical
alright...this isn't a news blog, i don't really post links to news stories here, but this is absolutely appalling. i know there's a reason i hate shopping on the day after thanksgiving, and this is it.

trampled at wal-mart? over a stinking DVD player? sounds like consumerist jerks at their worst.
i went to go see the burbanks, charleston dueling society, and private joker up at the fantasy lounge...awesome show. so much punk rock awesomeness and energy, it just made me happy and excited. it was a beautiful, wonderful escape from everything i've been ranting about lately. there are reasons i go to shows, just to bask in the wonderful music and the camaraderie between fans and musicians and everyone there, and it was in full force tonight. happy me.

the only thing i feel the least bit annoyed with right now is the 55 garfield bus...i waited for 45 minutes for that silly thing, in the freezing cold, at 2:30 this morning! see, the concert was at the fantasy lounge--at the corner of montrose and elston. it's really easy to get to during the early evening when all the buses are running--and not so easy to get home from at 1 in the morning when all the buses have stopped. the good news is, i figured out that there was a blue line stop near irving park and pulaski, so i could take the blue line to the red line. then, i got off the red line at 55th street (the stop is in a really sketch part of town, and it's freezing cold to boot because it's on an overpass above the dan ryan). the bus just wouldn't come! at least it finally did, though...and it was a lot warmer and less windy on the walk home from the bus, since it wasn't on a stinking overpass!

okay, end public transit rant. stuff like that is a small price to pay to go see an awesome rock show. :)

that's really about all that happened of consequence today...i spent most of my day either sitting at home and reading silly books, or sitting at restaurants or coffeehouses, sipping coffee, and reading silly books. today was a sanity day for me. i know i'll have to deal with real life again tomorrow, with planning things, with figuring out when and how i'm going to write that stupid poli-sci paper, with when i'm going to deal with my relatives, but not today. today was my day to just be me, and what a wonderful sanity day it was.

this is the best i've felt in a while.

Friday, November 28, 2003

i should do work today. i'm sure i won't, i'm just not motivated to. i'm not under enough pressure yet. i'm going to end up sitting around all day, maybe tinkering around with my guitar. today would be the perfect day to burn all my minidiscs too, but since i haven't found an OS update, i'm kinda screwed on that still. grr...need to get my paws on something...

i'm so sluggish today. my neck hurts. i don't feel like doing anything, i just feel like sitting around at home. i'm going to go see the burbanks tonight, which should be loads of fun (punk shows always are!). at least i have something to look forward to.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

goal for the day: forget about my family and my troubles and just have a nice freaking holiday. this is probably not very possible, given that i should probably be calling my family today. i'll call my sister, it's her birthday, and that should be painless unless she talks about my father (she still gets along with that man).

theme of the day: out of sight, out of mind. i'll be spending time with my friends' families today, and attempting to be happy. i'm going to make a valiant attempt.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

my good mood has died. the more i do to be productive, the more i have to do. my father has screwed me over more than he will ever know by not yet filling out two stupid financial aid forms for this year, and now i have to go back and cover his tracks, and probably put myself into more debt because of it. it also means getting my aunt to cosign on said debt, which is going to be a humiliating and difficult task in itself. this was supposed to be the year that everything worked out. not so much. it's instead the year that everything is working out worse than it has in the last three combined. it's even more depressing because it's a lot of money to get a piece of paper that a really want to have, even though i can hardly deal with the process of finishing my degree, even though it's hardly worth being in school otherwise.

at least it's my last year of college. at least it's my last time having to go through this stuff.

what i need to do is bite the bullet and send a long honking email to my aunt about this entire situation, and then i need to go out for the night. i'm a little bummed because there's no feasable way to do what i wanted to do tonight--i wanted to go to the ADD concert tonight, but it's out in lansing, and it's late at night, and it's so far from the metra that metra is not going to be an option. since none of my friends with cars would be caught dead at an ADD show (they just don't like that kind of music), i'm sore out of luck. i need to find a concert or a bar or something to go to tonight. i could find a friend to go out with, or i could foray alone into the nightlife as i am usually wont to do, it really doesn't matter. i probably should lie low and clean my room, but i need to get out of here.
i'm in a good mood for the first time all day. i'll tell you...hearing an awesome, engaging song can be better than sex. case in point...i just heard "numb" by linkin park on the radio...that song has been one of my addictions for several weeks now, and it just doesn't get old. it took all my resolve not to sing along at the top of my lungs right here in the office, but either way, it just lifted my spirits like nothing else.
"i'll keep on dying a little each day
which should suit you just fine
'cause you can't stand to see me alive"
"Texas Hold 'Em"
by No Particular Night...or Mourning

so last night was supposed to be a perfectly fun night, and i lost it. i got all weepy after the poker game, just about all the stuff that's hitting the fan about my relatives and about school and about the awful intersection of the two. the good news is that i have the greatest friends ever...i don't think i scared the crap out of them too much by breaking down, and they were just...there for me. i still have so much to deal with, i still don't know what to do with my life, i still know that my relatives are going to hate me and think i'm a failure, but at least there are a few people who can stand me, and not just can stand me, a few people who love me.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

i'm just not doing well today. the only thing i'm looking forward to is more escape, in the form of mock trial practice, and then in the form of playing poker and drinking beer. none of this is going to solve my problems, but it's all just too bleak to face.

yay for pretending to function?!?!
"can't stand living
so we wait for another day"
"Motorway"
by emmet swimming

is it possible to be burnt out without being really stressed? if so, that the perfect description of me right now. i'm so sick of school. i'm so sick of fending off my relatives. i'm so sick of all of that. i'm not having a good morning. my room is a mess. i was up doing stat homework last night, and i have more to do this morning. i still can't use my minidisc player. i think i'm getting sick. all i can bring myself to do is complain. it's not like anything new is going wrong, it's just that everything is trying to blow up in my face at once, and i'm trying to hold it off as much as possible, and it's still just surging forth. i'm trying to make it to a day where i can tolerate this, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen...not 'til march anyway, because the more i think about it, the more i'm convinced it'll be awesome not to take classes my last quarter here, to just get an apartment and work and not deal with the hell of being a student. i should probably talk to my advisor about this, because this idea is really the only school-related thing that makes me happy right now. i love the prospect of getting out ASAP.

Monday, November 24, 2003

i wrote these lyrics this weekend...i need to set them to music...they're not based on anything in particular, but kind of a composite of stuff, a composite of people... anyway, i like these lyrics. stuff like this was kind of the purpose of this blog anyway...i started this blog as a place to post poetic fragments and full writings. it has kind of degraded to mostly a place where i rant about my days (when i started this blog, i had another blog where i ranted about my days...it was under a pseudonym...but i stopped that blog when i feel like i put too much information about a certain...incident.) anyway...an untitled glob of words.

you overheard me talk about what happened yesteryear
thought you were a friend of a friend
i answered when you asked if i'd describe a thing or two
but your interrogation had no end

you said you're so sorry
it must be so hard
a friend of your sister's
it happened to her
i try to change topics
you keep fawning on
as if that one thing defines me

just know that i'm flattered
that you told me you care
won't you please ignore me
the burden of sympathy
is too much to bear
won't you please ignore me
yes it all happened
it was my fault i shared
won't you please ignore me
but it's irrelevant now
and i'm not dwelling there
won't you please ignore me

you want to be the knight who saves this damsel in distress
there's no one here you need to defend
you'd have done me better of you never heard a thing
and concentrated on the life at hand

you said you're so sorry
it must be so hard
a friend of your sister's
it happened to her
i try to change topics
you keep fawning on
as if that one thing defines me

just know that i'm flattered
that you told me you care
won't you please ignore me
the burden of sympathy
is too much to bear
won't you please ignore me
yes it all happened
it was my fault i shared
won't you please ignore me
but it's irrelevant now
and i'm not dwelling there
won't you please ignore me
they need to post lyrics on reforma's website. that would make me really happy. then i'd know a lot more of the lyrics than i do now, which would be a wonderful thing because i really want to sing along whenever i listen to them. their melodies are so cool and so catchy.

(alright, end random thoughts that pop into my head when my mp3 player starts playing "beginnings of a conversation".)

i can't decide if i'm having a good day or a bad day. it's awful in the sense that i know i have to go yell at the financial aid office and that i have to go to my US Congress class that i haven't been to in a week and a half and that i have to go to the reg and get some work done on that horrid US Congress paper that i don't want to write. it's bad because i have to deal with school stuff. i hate school.

it's also a bit bad because my throat hurts today. :( i probably blew it out during intense band practices the last two days. still, whatever...it'll go away by later today or tomorrow, and it'll be all good...and i love love love band practice.

it's good because i've been spending all day just sitting around and listening to tunes. there's an awesome live version of "absent elements" by finger eleven (yes, that song is the namesake for this website domain...i'm such a music geek!) on the DVD that came with finger eleven's selftitled album. i watched that this morning. i've also been listening to random stuff as i surf the web and post on all of the message boards for bands i listen to. i love my playlist...i can't wait until i can use my minidisc player so i can take my playlist with me. that will be the greatest thing ever. it's also good because i have bowling league tonight...it's the last night, and my team is in the losers bracket, but whatever...it's bowling. bowling is fun.

and...less than two weeks until Inept, Reforma, and The Blank Theory are all playing the Metro...and then Escape from Earth is playing the Double Door...happy me. (well, a little bit not so happy me because the ratbag hero bus trip/day full of punk rock is also the same day, and i'm really bummed that i'm missing that show, but i'll live...and there will be plenty more times for me to annoy the crap out of--and act like a total idiot with--my favourite chicago punk rockers.)

Sunday, November 23, 2003

i hate computers. i got this cute minidisc player yesterday so i can run around and listen to all of my awesome music wherever i go. but, my computer needs an update. i won't be able to get the update unless i find someone with said update. i bid on it on ebay...there are three days left in the auction, hopefully no one will outbid me, because then i'll get the CD and be able to use my minidisc player on my computer. from here on out, i'm going to see if i can load the program on a computer lab computer and burn stuff that way. i'm going to try doing that after mock trial and before band practice today, or maybe try doing it sometime tomorrow if there's no time for that today...aaargh. i want to use my minidisc player! my CD player went kaput, i'm so sick of using my tape player that only has the radio (yuck) and tapes. i have so few tapes. i have one tape that i keep listening to...it's a mix tape i made a couple weeks ago, and it's the greatest mix tape ever, but i still want more than just that rotation. it being the greatest mix tape ever, though, i'm going to subject you to the tracklisting just because i can. :)

"this sucks! my CD player's busted!" mix--11.6.03

"It's A Stick-Up" by Dead Man Holiday (i made this tape to take to a mock trial tournament, and this song is my mock trial mojo song. it gets me so freaking hyper!)
"These Days" by Inept
"Rain Song" by Cold
"My Immortal" by Evanescence
"Sad Exchange" by Finger Eleven
"One Thing" by Escape from Earth
"Shell" by Memento
"Spin" by Revis
"I Will Find A Way" by Reforma
"Get Over" by The Marvelous 3
"Schizome" by No Fate
"Enemy" by Eve 6
"Bottled" by Dysception
"Cook County Sheriff" by Ratbag Hero
"Get It Faster" by Jimmy Eat World (that's been my mojo song the last two seasons of mock)
"Omaha" by Counting Crows
"Get Famous" by Kill Hannah
"A Letter" by One Step Behind
"King of New Orleans" by Better Than Ezra
"2x4" by Wesley Willis

those are all such awesome songs. still, i'd love to have a rotation of more than about 20 songs, which i will finally have when i can burn my minidiscs.

on another topic, i need to find more shows to go to, or at least promote after, this week. i was going to do some hardcore promoting for reforma at north beach today at the one below nothing show, but i can't go. i think the reason i'm saddest that i can't go to this show is that i told damon that i'd promote reforma there, and now i can't go. poor guy, he's all worried that since he's out of town for the week that it's lost time promoting. sure, he's out of town, but there are definitely people on the ground here in chicago still getting the word out about that show. i'll definitely do some promoting this week...i'll find a show on wednesday to go to (monday's out probably because of bowling league, maybe i can find a show to show up at the end of...tuesday's out because of mock.), and then friday i'm going to the burbanks' show, and i'll pass out flyers there. who knows how much of a success that may or may not be, it seems like there are two pretty different scenes, the rock scene and the punk scene. there's still a bit of a crossover, though...some cross-promoting...heck, i heard of ratbag hero because i went to the evil beaver show that was brought to my attention by a flyer given to me at a show featuring escape from earth, empyrean, dead man holiday, and inept. anyway...it'll be happy. i'll hit the streets, and hopefully lots of people will come to that show.
well...ix-nay on the one below nothing show. :( that's kind of a bummer, 'cause i really wanted to see them tomorrow, but it turns out that even though we practiced today, my band is practicing again tomorrow. i'm a bit sad that i'm missing the show, but band practice is always a blast, and it's especially great because i get to help make the rock and roll as opposed to seeing and hearing the rock and roll. we got some stuff done today, but it was mainly only the songs we have keys on, because our keyboardist was here today--and our new guitarist ditched practice today. hopefully he'll show tomorrow--our keyboardist isn't going to be able to make it, so we'll get to do the really guitar intensive stuff. as long as my voice isn't dead from practice today, it'll be great because a lot of the songs we'll do tomorrow involve me screaming my head off. screaming my head off is lots of fun, lots and lots of fun! :)

...and eventually i will get to see one below nothing again. it's been forever, it's been since mid-october. yay screamfest...that was such a sweet show, seven bands playing an all day shindig in a random person's front yard. it was the essence of local music. bands just rocking out where they were. hardcore fans. (the show wasn't very well promoted, so the only people who really heard about it were people who knew members of some of the bands). really fun people. really good music.

i probably think and talk about music too much. still, it's what i like. it's one of my homes...i'm at home with my friends, my mock, and my music. concerts, band practice, even just a tape player or a CD player...it's one big sanctuary, where i can be in touch with my emotions, where i can commune with my inner self and the way different pieces of music touch and shape and mold and support my inner self.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

happy nicolle...one below nothing concert tomorrow. :) it was so cute, their lead singer sent me an email this morning to remind me about the show. he gets a cookie. and, since my band is practicing today and not tomorrow, i can go! it'll mean trucking it out all the way to downers grove, but that's not so bad at all. i'll bring some reading for school to do on the train(or just write song lyrics, i seem to be better at that anyway!), it'll be all good. yay one below nothing!

it should be a weekday today. since i partied my head off on wednesday and thursday, and then yesterday was a lot calmer (i.e., i actually went to class, went to work, and then went to a movie screening for class. and then i went to bed early.) well, i'm not complaining that it's not a school day--i'm going up to the north side to spend my birthday money. i've got a barnes and noble gift certificate, and then i also want to go to best buy and buy a CD player since i'm going NUTS just listening to tapes and the...gasp...radio. the radio especially sucks because i usually end up flipping between q101 and the zone in a futile quest to hear either "numb" by linkin park or "i hate (everything about you)" by three days grace. i was going to try and save up for an iPod (birthday and christmas money), but my computer doesn't have a new enough operating system to run iTunes, and i'm not going to buy more RAM for this piece of crap computer that's probably going to go kaput soon enough anyway. so, a new CD player it is.
random reflections on what could possibly be the most absurd night of my life...or, the most absurd night barring the other times that i've been to ratbag hero concerts.

--walking around the south side of chicago while drunk is probably a dumb idea, but it didn't seem so dumb at the time. sure, it's a long walk from 45th and washtenaw to 32nd and racine, and those (brighton park...bridgeport...whatever's in between...) probably aren't the best neighbourhoods to be walking through at three in the morning, but you've gotta admit that it's a funny story. it's an offbeat badge of honour to have done that...i'm strangely proud.

--corollary: it's amusing when two random guys standing on 31st street in bridgeport start randomly handing you beers, raving to the lead singer of your favourite punk band about having seen an article about them in the paper, and hurling nonsensical insults about that really bad cover band you saw play after your favourite punk band earlier that evening. it's also really funny when there becomes an accidental congregation of six or eight drunk people on said location on 31st street talking about absolutely nothing in particular.

--sometimes jerks rock, as long as they're fun jerks. they dish it out, but you can dish it right back out at them without the slightest bit of remorse or inhibition. they let you, well, be a jerk right back.

--i can never figure out where to draw the line between coy and ditzy. either i'm so not-coy than any attempts at being coy are lost on the target, or i try to be so coy and coquettish that i turn into pabulum. i need to find a balance. i definitely don't know where that balance is, although i crossed into huge freaking ditz so many times last night as for it to be pathetic.

--at this point in my life, i'm most definitely playing for fun. if you're thinking about tomorrow, or thinking about the ramifications of what you do today on tomorrow, go away. i don't have the time or the inclination for it right now. you can't take away my right to be stupid.

--corollary: i'm still a manipulative wench. this is even more apparent now than it was after last weekend.

--it's absurd, and quite funny, when one guy buys you a drink at the behest of the guy you're actually at the bar to hang out with.

--next time i ever write out setlists for a band (that's not mine), i'll definitely throw in a song that they don't know. i should have pulled that trick last night, it would have been really funny to see.

--i love punk rock.

--ratbag hero rocks.

Friday, November 21, 2003

last night was such a farce. it was a farce in the most amusing and insane way, it was a wonderful farce, but it was such a farce. there's no other way to put it.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

i'm bleeding under my fishnet tights
i guess i'm not so good at hiding things
after all
21...what an anticlimax. the day, anyway. it was a fun day, and it was more proof that i love my friends more than words can say. but, i think it's a lot more fun celebrating other people's 21sts than it was actually celebrating mine. it's so awkward to get people together for the purpose of celebrating me. i never quite feel like i should be celebrated...i love being the centre of attention, but there's a difference. i like being the centre of attention because i'm actually doing something...be it serious or stupid, it doesn't matter at all. but, just because it's my "birthday"...i don't know, it's awkward. i love other people's birthdays, i just hate my own.

it is nice knowledge, though, that i'll be able to go out wherever i want and not have to worry about false pretenses. it's not even the drinking thing...i think that's a big reason yesterday was an anticlimax. yes, i drank yesterday, but after all this expectation of having a ginormous blast and getting really really drunk...i didn't. i got a little inebriated, but i still felt like i was just going through the motions. to be honest, i feel like i'm getting old--i don't think i like bar night anymore. if i'm going to drink and be crazy, i'd rather do it anywhere else...at a friend's apartment party, at a bar like last friday...just somewhere where i can hang out with people i know, maybe meet new people, and just be happy. bar night, you really can't move around too much, and there aren't new people to meet, just the same old regulars that go there every week, that i see around school all the time. there was a lot more novelty to that last year since i didn't know who went and who didn't, but now it's just getting really really...blah. i'm looking forward to exploring the city scene a lot more...going to 21 and over concerts, going to random bars on the north side, stuff like that.

it's a strange feeling. still, it's a welcome one. i've got my sphere here on campus, all the people i know and hang out with and just do whatever with. they're my core, and i'd be such a shell without them. i've got the music scene, where i go to concerts and i'm in the process of meeting lots of fun people...i don't have the foggiest where that part of my life is going to lead, but it's a wonderful thing.

this is such a senseless rant, and it's not coming anywhere close to encompassing the jadedness i feel this morning, but i'm trying. all i know is, i'm another year older, and i now need to put that out of my mind and focus on what actually makes me happy. i'm often not so good at that.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

why does absolutely EVERYTHING have to be happening on the same day! i wish that just for a day (specifically, december the 6th!), i could copy myself. one of these particular me's would go see inept, reforma, the blank theory, no one, and stripping the pistol at the metro, and then go down to the double door to see escape from earth. the other me would go on the ratbag hero bus ride...see the pre-party-show at the bakery (hehe...shakes head and giggles...), and then go out to the 'burbs to see the ratbag boys play.

either that, or i wish one or the other of these events were on a different night so i could do all of this. wow, it really sucks when everyone plays the same night!

eh well...at least i'm seeing ratbag tomorrow! (my first legit 21+ show, since today's my 21st birthday! yay for me!) i heart ratbag hero!
happy nicky. it's been a nice birthday so far, all two hours of it. :) it was a blast having a few drinks with the buddies out at bar louie. vodka with watermelon jolly rancher dissolved in it...that makes for a very yummy shot. whoohoo!

not looking forward to going to class tomorrow...haven't decided if i'm going to one class or two tomorrow, but either way, there should be laws against having class on my birthday. life would be so much better if i could just party all day. isn't that what my 21st is for, anyway?!?!?!

whatever. i'm in a decent mood right now for the first time in days. don't screw that up for me.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

i'm so amused: "figured you out" by nickelback has got to be one of the dirtiest songs ever, or at least one of the passages in it is. it's not a particularly good song (it's been downhill since "the state", which actually was a pretty good album), but i'm amused. maybe my mind's just in the gutter because i'm doing homework at the library. whatever...

speaking of homework, i think today's the first day all quarter i've actually felt motivated to do any schoolwork whatsoever. that's pathetic, given that the quarter's almost over, but i'm marginally pleased.
one more thing. last night, my friend inadvertently proposed something that, if i were to die anytime soon, would be the most fitting epitaph for my tombstone:

"just because you're dead doesn't mean that you're significant."
all i want to do is just post song lyrics on this thing right now, so that's what i'm going to do.

this song is indicative of my mood yesterday and this morning.

"vacant" by dead man holiday

sinister emotions
run with the stampede
toying with our morals
favouring the bad seed
i'm trying hard to convince myself
and still i wonder why
the pictures keep on breaking
the victims always die

we are waiting for tomorrow
barely breathing from our yesterdays
we are waiting for tomorrow
barely breathing from our yesterdays

still i stand here separate
bleeding from my eyes
promises mean nothing
from a book full of lies
so underneath this poison
where we decide to stay
drowning in complacency
and fading away

we are waiting for tomorrow
barely breathing from our yesterdays
we are waiting for tomorrow
barely breathing from our yesterdays

i walk
i breathe
i keep searching and trying to get across
but i seem to have lost my map of resilience
never to be found

our lives drenched in sorrow
vacancy folds
the truth we abandon
the truth that we hold
we keep playing leader
emptiness grows
the life we continue to follow

we are waiting for tomorrow
barely breathing from our yesterdays
we are waiting for tomorrow
barely breathing from our yesterdays

i don't know why this next song is striking such a chord with me right now, but it is. maybe because it's such a powertrip to have someone wrapped around your little finger? i'm an evil human being. either that, or i've seen too many people being destroyed by being addicted to others, and i relate to seeing this evil. i can't decide whether i'm attracted or appalled by the sentiments in this song...this is scary, but i'm not going to think too hard about that just yet. i'll just revel in the awesomeness of it, because either way it's such a good song.

"addicted" by the blank theory

you find yourself in circumstances that you can't control
you follow me around everywhere
everywhere i go
it's the way you want it and it's the way I've worked it out
it's the way you want it and i'll always let you down

all the things you'll never be
the further down you walk with me
once I had the things you'd want
now i have something you need

i want to give you more
i want you addicted to me
i want to give you more
i want you addicted to me

i don't mind pretending i'm someone else
whoever you want me to be
as long as i'm inside you
you'll never want me to leave
it's the way you want it
you'll never be alone
it's the way you wanted to trust in me
and now i have control

all the things you'll never be
the further down you walk with me
once I had the things you'd want
now i have something you need

i want to give you more
i want you addicted to me
i want to give you more
i want you addicted to me

i want to give you more
i want you addicted to me
i want to give you more
something that no one else can give
i want to give you more
i want to give you more
i want to give you more
i want you addicted to me
i like one of my friend's ideas for what i should do with the Box From Pure Evil: sell it to someone on ebay as a "mystery box." i probably ::should:: actually open it, but there's something so dirty about accepting an unwanted birthday gift from an unwanted, evil man.

it doesn't feel like my birthday is tomorrow. i'm used to looking toward my birthday with a sense of excitement. i can't say i'm excited. i can't say i dread it, like i dreaded twenty, but i'm looking at it with utter and complete indifference. it's really demoralizing.

i guess one of the lines in the song that i just posted says it all...how can i heal when there's blood still on the floor? there really is no way to work anything out, there really is no way to disappear.
"shell" by memento

crawl away into the shell you put yourself in
crawl away
i watched you crawl away
not one set of footprints in this burning sand
it fell away
i watched it fall away

who am i in your eyes

how does it feel
how does it feel
how does it feel you're asking
i can't heal
i can't feel you anymore
i'll never kneel
i'll never kneel
i'll never kneel before you
how can i heal when there's blood still on the floor

in a vacuum screaming
hope was not in season
please hear me
someone hear me
if i could you know i'd take your place my friend
not again
i guess i'll carry you again

who am i in your eyes

how does it feel
how does it feel
how does it feel you're asking
i can't heal
i can't feel you anymore
i'll never kneel
i'll never kneel
i'll never kneel before you
how can i heal when there's blood still on the floor

hold on...

how does it feel
how does it feel
how does it feel you're asking
i can't heal
i can't feel you anymore
i'll never kneel
i'll never kneel
i'll never kneel before you
how can i heal when there's blood still on the floor

Monday, November 17, 2003

i can't decide if i've never felt so integrated in my life, or if i've never felt so adrift. sometimes i feel both ways at once, which may be a problem.

i hate being a student, but i don't see the point of quitting when i'm so close to the end. i'm starting to think more and more seriously about graduating in march instead of in june. sure, it would mean having to find a place and a job (at least a temporary one) sooner, but it would also mean a few thousand dollars less debt to pay for something i'm freaking sick of anyway.

everything else is wonderful, i just don't have time for all of it sometimes. i love my friends, mock trial, my band, my concertgoing and all of the cool people i've met at the shows. it's such a joy...i just love everything but school. my relatives are about ready to kill me for not going straight to law school, but that's not something i'm ready to do right now, it's not something i want to do.

total one eighty, but speaking of relatives, what do you do when you get a package in the mail from Pure Evil? do i acknowledge it? do i not? do i return it to sender since the idea of opening it makes me sick to my stomach? i don't have the foggiest.

eh well, at least i'll be 21 in two days. i need to figure out what i'm doing with my friends on wednesday. i also need to talk my way into getting out of mock trial early on thursday in order to go to the ratbag hero show on thursday night at the big horse. it'll be my first legitimately attended 21 and over show...fitting enough, since my last, umm, not-so-legitimately attended 21 and over concert was also a ratbag hero show. :) i love that band.

my brain is bouncing around without a hint of direction. i wish it were 7 and not 5:30...bowling league is at 7, and it's a welcome distraction.

good fight, goodnight.
(a horrible three a.m. rant, following very disconcerting chats with several relatives today.)

your chains of red
are rusting away
and now i can finally fly
into a world of silver and grey

i'm not twelve anymore
i'm not sixteen anymore
and whoever said that blood
is thicker than water
has never seen what i bleed

you may have raised me
you may have occupied my space
when i was small
but you don't know what's best for me anymore
you still think i am twelve
sixteen
and want to be the same girl i was then

to live forever
with my nose in the pages
and my body in the cell
detached from society
the same society
that has been nurturing me to health
ever since i tried to fly away

into a better
more solid world
of silver and grey
my fingers hurt, my voice is dead, but i just had seven hours of the most splendid band practice ever.

thank goodness i decided to get in on music myself. i've only been doing this for about two months, but it's hard to imagine my life without it.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

two lessons from the night of november 14, 2003:

--hanging out after a show with rockers is a lot of fun, especially when it seems like everyone from every band you like in the city is hanging out at one bar. :)

--i am such a manipulative little wench, and i really don't think i care. (you really don't want to know the story behind this, just the end realisation.)

Friday, November 14, 2003

so today, at mock trial stacking, my captain from the last month called me out on my confidence issues. no duh--would someone without confidence issues break down and cry during recess? i don't think so. the problem is, i'd get rid of my confidence issues if i felt like i really deserved to have any confidence in myself. i don't deserve it, so i don't have a whole heck of a lot. that's just how it goes.

on a much more pleasant topic, i'm excited. tomorrow's the big show with inept and escape from earth and dysception and disonic! it's going to be the best concert ever.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

i wrote a good portion of a song this afternoon...i wrote lyrics to verses in class today, and i set them to music. it's about a flower, or being in a flower, or something like that. the scary thing is, i've been channeling the spirits of Ben Folds and Phoebe from Friends...the lyrics are scattered and random, and the music is mellow as all get out. still, i have the feeling, that if i make an interesting chorus, and maybe a bridge, that it would be a good song. still, i don't see it as something i could take to my band, i see it as more of me sitting there with a guitar. then again, it could definitely be reworked, maybe i do want the chorus to kick in nice and loud, and even the verses to be a bit less moseying and delicate. in other words, it needs some work, but i think i'm going somewhere.

it's not blue arms and meaningless sex, which is something that will be addressed when i have something much heavier in my head, but it's definitely random and weird and cool.
i said too much. i didn't say enough. i can't decide. either way, jaylynne is dead, at least for now. if you don't know who she is, count yourself lucky. if you know who she is, it was never quite fair that she was a separate entity, she was a tight black mesh curtain behind which i hid. i still hide some of it. i've shown a few pieces.

maybe one day i can wake up and say that i am jaylynne, that jaylynne is me, that we are one and the same, and that i don't keep any secrets about myself from anyone. that day isn't quite here yet, but i have acknowledged that it's a pointless thing to separate my life (under a pseudonym) and at least snippets of my art. it needs to be one and the same, since what i write about comes invariably from what i think, feel, and do.

i still don't know how often i'm going to write in this, but hopefully more often, since i do feel more grounded when more of my thoughts are in one place, and not scribbled on sheets of paper shoved in my shoulder bag or shoved within the pages of my little black binder. still, any of my musings, anything that i'll tell anyone, any of my snippets of song lyrics to write, will probably end up in here.

it's good to have a starting point.

it's good to have one name.
"i'm trapped in a world
i created myself
haunted by regret
it screams to me
if i could go back and change this
i'd do things differently
isn't it too late now"
"Yesterday"
by Escape From Earth
i need to write something about blue arms and meaningless sex. i have had random thoughts about that all day, and i need to feel inspired, together, and alone enough to actually pick up my guitar and write a song about it. i have a line here, a line there in my head, but i can't really DO anything about it until i have a tune. i won't have a tune until i can plug in my guitar and play it, which can't be right now because all my roommates are sleeping, and i really don't have anything musically in my head except for that tritone power chord riff. it's cool, and i think i'm going to meld it with some twelve bar blues and come up with another song, but i see it being the backing for something a lot more straightforward, something a lot more hit-you-in-the-face than, well, blue arms and meaningless sex.