Wednesday, December 17, 2003

i'm having a horrible morning, and it's all because of an email i read last night. i hadn't checked my hotmail account in a while...i checked it last night, and there was an email from Pure Evil (my father) in there which i made the mistake of reading. i think the reason it gets under my skin so badly is that the whole situation completely screws with my sense of what's real and what's not real. every time i have a nervous breakdown prompted by it, my friends (God bless all of them!) assure me that i am a good person and that he is not. when i'm feeling stable, i believe it. when i'm feeling stable, i assure myself that i didn't get where i am today, surrounded by the wonderful people i'm surrounded with, by being a completely evil, manipulative, and awful human being. still, when i'm left alone with my thoughts, i can't help but have this one little thought bug me to no end...i'm sure there are people telling it the same thing. i'm sure the wife tells him the same thing. i'm sure there are friends, somewhere, telling it the same things that my friends tell me. this thought bothers me, because it it leaves open the idea that i'm just as evil as he is, or that i'm the evil one and it's the...good one. i can't help but think that it thinks that i'm the evil one for flinging seventeen years back in its face (yes, i'm 21, but i've been functionally out of its life since i started college, which is the way i prefer things.), even though it was seventeen years being raised by a COMPLETE STRANGER. i can't help but think that it thinks i've sided with my aunt and my mother, and that that's a bad thing that i did just to offend him...but it's not a game of sides. it's a question of people i can depend on, people i feel comfortable with, and people who haven't lied to me my entire life. it has. they haven't.

i've got more issues with that email, but i have to be heading back to work now. probably more rants about this later...thinking about this is getting really taxing, and i'm stuck doing so until five thirty. :(

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