Saturday, December 06, 2003 calling him and standing up to him was supposed to make me feel better. it happened almost 24 hours ago, and i don't feel any better. at least i'm not dreading doing it anymore, but i'm dreading the fallout that he's going to inflict on the rest of my family. he's clearly not going to call me about it...which is good for me, since i can't deal with talking to him. still, it's not going to be pretty dealing with the secondhand fallout.

i also can't shake the feeling that he won the battle, or even the war yesterday. i wrote out cue cards so i could say what was on my mind without going too crazy, and they failed me miserably. it degraded into a shouting match. it degraded into a kindergarten argument as to whether or not i was a selfish bitch. i was too angry to cool my head. my purpose was to stand up to him, and despite my screaming and yelling i still didn't feel like i had a spine.

my head tells me that he's just trying to manipulate me, but he's just so good at it. he's good at making me feel like an awful person. he's good at making me feel like it's a bad thing that i don't talk to him, that i can't talk to him, even though there's really no good that can come of me maintaining a relationship with him at this point in my life.

in other words, it was supposed to make me feel better, but i still feel like a worthless human being. maybe even moreso than before, if that's possible.

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