Thursday, November 20, 2003

21...what an anticlimax. the day, anyway. it was a fun day, and it was more proof that i love my friends more than words can say. but, i think it's a lot more fun celebrating other people's 21sts than it was actually celebrating mine. it's so awkward to get people together for the purpose of celebrating me. i never quite feel like i should be celebrated...i love being the centre of attention, but there's a difference. i like being the centre of attention because i'm actually doing something...be it serious or stupid, it doesn't matter at all. but, just because it's my "birthday"...i don't know, it's awkward. i love other people's birthdays, i just hate my own.

it is nice knowledge, though, that i'll be able to go out wherever i want and not have to worry about false pretenses. it's not even the drinking thing...i think that's a big reason yesterday was an anticlimax. yes, i drank yesterday, but after all this expectation of having a ginormous blast and getting really really drunk...i didn't. i got a little inebriated, but i still felt like i was just going through the motions. to be honest, i feel like i'm getting old--i don't think i like bar night anymore. if i'm going to drink and be crazy, i'd rather do it anywhere else...at a friend's apartment party, at a bar like last friday...just somewhere where i can hang out with people i know, maybe meet new people, and just be happy. bar night, you really can't move around too much, and there aren't new people to meet, just the same old regulars that go there every week, that i see around school all the time. there was a lot more novelty to that last year since i didn't know who went and who didn't, but now it's just getting really really...blah. i'm looking forward to exploring the city scene a lot more...going to 21 and over concerts, going to random bars on the north side, stuff like that.

it's a strange feeling. still, it's a welcome one. i've got my sphere here on campus, all the people i know and hang out with and just do whatever with. they're my core, and i'd be such a shell without them. i've got the music scene, where i go to concerts and i'm in the process of meeting lots of fun people...i don't have the foggiest where that part of my life is going to lead, but it's a wonderful thing.

this is such a senseless rant, and it's not coming anywhere close to encompassing the jadedness i feel this morning, but i'm trying. all i know is, i'm another year older, and i now need to put that out of my mind and focus on what actually makes me happy. i'm often not so good at that.

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