Wednesday, December 31, 2003

ah, new year's. another year older and deeper in debt...or maybe that's my birthday...or maybe sixteen tons.

need booze and james bond on gamecube. bye.

Sunday, December 28, 2003

::bangs head on wall::

Friday, December 26, 2003

flying blind
but i see more than you
knowing all the facts
it's still obscure what's true
need to figure all this out
need to choose a course to run
it's the shadows or the bludgeon now
so naive
by charleston dueling society

it seems like i'm waiting for my cue
a hint that i'm falling too close to you
my guess is you don't care of the things i do
you still portray the things that i'm looking for

you invite me over
you lead me on
but it's for the wrong reasons
and i leave there unwanted

right now i'm hearing all these tunes
i'm waiting for one to get me through
i'm taking hostage the things you said
and stare up confused as i lie in bed

you invite me over
you lead me on
but its for the wrong reasons
and i feel so unwanted
i'm so ready for the holidays to be over. i still absolutely hate holidays, they're a lot more stress and argument than they're worth. for example, dinner tonight. my aunt spent all day in the kitchen making dinner, and i appreciate that. but, i just had way too much food on my plate. i ate until i was full. that only happened to be half the plate...and she got passive-aggressive about it. she was insulted, and i'm pretty insulted that she was insulted. it's not as if i was ungrateful about the dinner, i just wasn't able to eat a heaping large plate of food. i ate about half of everything, i ate a reasonable sized meal. i just didn't stuff myself so full that i had to be rolled away from the table, and that made her mad. i don't know what to say or do...i'm just ignoring it and moving on.

that was annoying, but not as deeply worrying as something else about today. there were several presents under the tree from Pure Evil that i guess had come in the mail. i didn't give it anything for christmas, and i was hoping it wouldn't give me anything. now, i don't know how to respond. i don't know what the etiquette is for if i acknowledge it or not, especially given that we are decidedly Not Talking. i don't want to talk to it, and i don't want to encourage it to give me any more gifts, ever. it feels like such a manipulative gesture when we just had a shouting match a few weeks ago, when i told it that i have nothing to say to it and that i don't feel comfortable talking to it. (i know, this response doesn't sound full of holiday cheer or goodwill, but neither is my father or any dealings with my father!) what do i do here? i don't have the foggiest.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

pens. paper. keyboard. strings. time. disappearance. introspection. analysis. impulse. answers.

i may soon need all of the above more than ever.

oh crud. oh crud. oh crud. oh crud. oh crud. oh crud. oh crud.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Monday, December 22, 2003

"i'll always let you down
yeah but i don't care
you'll never understand
i've wasted all the time in the world in your eyes"
"Father's Eyes"
by The Blank Theory

(i know, i've posted the lyrics to that song in this thing before, but the song is ringing in my head, and it continues to be a good snapshot of how i see my life and many of my family relationships right now. at least somebody gets it...and by somebody, i mean the blank theory...)

Sunday, December 21, 2003

it's been surprisingly tolerable here in idaho. i've been laid up sick in bed for two days, but there haven't been any major family blow-ups, thank goodness. it's a beautiful thing. i think the only thing i'm really fearing is when Pure Evil calls on christmas...i need to make clear to everyone here not to pass the phone to me then, since i know it will call. that may cause a problem, but not as big of one as talking will.
i saw a sign on friday night. it said "jesus is the goodness of christmas."

you'd think i saw it on a church...or a christian bookstore...or even in front of a person's house. none of these would be disturbing or out of line at all, it would be kind of quaint.

it wasn't in front of any of these kinds of things.

and it was downright disturbing.

i looked above the words, and they were on the sign for a PREGNANCY CENTRE!!! clearly, from the sign, you could tell it was one of those crisis pregnancy centres that shows you pictures of aborted fetuses and tells you that it's an evil thing, a murderous thing, to get an abortion.

i'm not bothered by the idea of religious objections to abortions--i just don't think it's anyone's place to force such objections on others, in a legal, medical, or psychiatric context. it's "a woman's choice" for a reason--abortion is something that's up to the individual woman to choose whether or not it's the right thing to do. i'm so bothered by places that try to pass themselves off as pregnancy clinics when, in reality, all they do is try to bully as many women as possible to carry their babies through to term--babies that they may not be ready, willing, or able to raise.

this is why that sign disturbed me.
"bruises on your face
i guess you fell down the steps again
it's such a shame
you let it happen over and over again
this isn't what you wanted
someone to break you down every motherfucking day
it's not the life you wanted
someone to make you
someone to break you"
"This Life"
by Primer 55

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

i'm having a horrible morning, and it's all because of an email i read last night. i hadn't checked my hotmail account in a while...i checked it last night, and there was an email from Pure Evil (my father) in there which i made the mistake of reading. i think the reason it gets under my skin so badly is that the whole situation completely screws with my sense of what's real and what's not real. every time i have a nervous breakdown prompted by it, my friends (God bless all of them!) assure me that i am a good person and that he is not. when i'm feeling stable, i believe it. when i'm feeling stable, i assure myself that i didn't get where i am today, surrounded by the wonderful people i'm surrounded with, by being a completely evil, manipulative, and awful human being. still, when i'm left alone with my thoughts, i can't help but have this one little thought bug me to no end...i'm sure there are people telling it the same thing. i'm sure the wife tells him the same thing. i'm sure there are friends, somewhere, telling it the same things that my friends tell me. this thought bothers me, because it it leaves open the idea that i'm just as evil as he is, or that i'm the evil one and it's the...good one. i can't help but think that it thinks that i'm the evil one for flinging seventeen years back in its face (yes, i'm 21, but i've been functionally out of its life since i started college, which is the way i prefer things.), even though it was seventeen years being raised by a COMPLETE STRANGER. i can't help but think that it thinks i've sided with my aunt and my mother, and that that's a bad thing that i did just to offend him...but it's not a game of sides. it's a question of people i can depend on, people i feel comfortable with, and people who haven't lied to me my entire life. it has. they haven't.

i've got more issues with that email, but i have to be heading back to work now. probably more rants about this later...thinking about this is getting really taxing, and i'm stuck doing so until five thirty. :(

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

indulge me in one more non sequitur, and then i REALLY should be getting back to work.

abstinence has a high failure rate

okay, so i'm not catholic, but i clicked this link off of a random blog and i saw this slogan--and i haven't seen it put that eloquently in a long, long, long time. i think this just made my day.
total non sequitur...i was clicking on random blogs on the "recently updated" list, and one guy was doing his year in review stuff, a list of CD's or something. i don't want to think about a "year in review". i don't want to think this year's almost over, it's gone by too fast. then again, maybe it'll be good when this year ends because i can at least feign a new start. maybe it won't all be feigning...i've changed a lot from the beginning of 2003 until now, things around me have changed, people have entered my life, people have exited my life, and i've found and pursued new passions. i think year in review lists are kind of silly, but i'd be a liar to say they're not fun to read. maybe this blog will feature a few lists, or a few rants (like this one...ugh), or something to commemorate the year that was and to ring in the year that's about to...set in.

but i refuse to think that the new year's about to set in. i still have two weeks, darn it.
am i bored or just pathetic?

Monday, December 15, 2003

i'm starting to have a profound dread of going to idaho...i wish i didn't have to go. i've had a bad enough time dealing with anything family-related over the last few months while i've been away, and now i'm going to have to stare it in the face and live among it for ten days. granted, it's not Pure Evil, or any real emissaries of Pure Evil (unless you count my brothers, who still get along with it, but i still wouldn't call them emissaries...). still, i'm tired of the entire arena. today is one of those days where i'm so tempted to wish i had witnessed some horrible crime and had to be put in witness protection. then again, if i went into witness protection, i'd lose my friends, my non-family life, as well, and that's a sacrifice that i'm not willing to make at all. i wouldn't want to give up the people i find dear, the people who are my closest support system, the people who hold me up amid the onslaught of the institution with whom i'm frustrated to have to share blood and ties.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

this has been a really crazy week. finals week is usually crazy, and getting all my finals done this week was indeed crazy, but i'm thinking more for a good reason, a really good reason. it's so weird...i've been so...voraciously single, so adamantly single since May. i haven't met anyone i've wanted a relationship with, and i haven't really wanted a relationship in the first place. now, though, it's looking as though i'm facing a relationship head-on...and i like it. i've only known him for about a week (i met him at the Inept show last weekend...hence all the random references in my blog over just the past week to being really mushy...), but we get along so well, and we had the most amazing time on thursday night. he's sweet, and adorable, and cute, and open...he just rocks. i'm probably going to be seeing him again today, which i'm really, really excited about! i really don't know how to explain it, i've been the adamant, flirtatious, silly, single-or-bust girl for the last seven months now, and now...bam. being single was a blast, but so is this. :)

Friday, December 12, 2003

i haven't been this happy and giddy and mushy in a very long time. life is so good. :)

Thursday, December 11, 2003

i'm in such a punk rock mood today. i need to burn a lot more of my punk rock collection to minidisc so i can take it to work and everywhere else to me.

speaking of punk rock, you know whose lead singer has an awesome voice? shot baker. they're a local punk band (i heard them 'cause they opened for ratbag hero back in october). their singer's voice is just so brazen and full, i love listening to it. i need to snag their CD somehow (i know they've got one out, i think they sell it at their shows...), and i need to see them live again because they rock. hard.
i can't believe "motorway" by emmet swimming has been around over five years. i can't believe that song is from my junior year of high school. i was just listening to it, and every time i listen to it it still feels like this new song to me, but it's not. it just never gets old...i love that song so much. i wonder if emmet swimming is still together--i hope they are, because i'd love to see them live. i wanted to go see them on my seventeenth birthday at the brewery back in raleigh, but i wasn't allowed to...that made me sad. :( i want to see them, their music is so good. it's mellower than i normally like, but it's so engaging and the lyrics are so deep and meaningful.

did i mention i love emmet swimming?

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

i'm tired, i'm not making any sense, but at least i'm about to go to bed. it sucks that i'm going to work all day tomorrow (i'd rather just sleep all day), but eh well...i need to earn some $$ because i'm freaking broke. work it is.

and, i'm looking forward to after work tomorrow. :) it'll be a blast.
done...it's 21 pages long, i've done with it all i can do, and now i'm at the mercy of the professor. i'm leaving to turn it in. i'm sick of the library. i want to go to sleep, and now i can because this evil awful quarter is finally OVER!!!!

happy me!! happy me!!
12 pages...it's 4am...starting to feel more and more screwed again. i don't know what to include, or what not to include. i should just start including everything. i hate writing this paper. my brain is starting to want to shut off, and i'm starting to not make any sense. i only need to do this for thirteen more hours or so, then it'll all be over and i can go to sleep and life will be just fine.

i can't stand this. i can't do work this quarter, and tonight's no exception. (or, this morning, i guess...) i wish some of my friends were here, so i could go talk to them, but alas...they all left about three hours ago, leaving me here all by my lonesome in the library. they're all sleeping now. i'm envious.
who in their right mind decided that there needs to be a christmas parody of "because i got high"?? i guess some guy named bob rivers decided that "be claus i got high" was a good idea...and i just think he was high.

usually radio wazee plays some darn good stuff, but this song is an exception. they should blow it off their playlist, pronto.

eh well. less rant, more work. :-P
i've got about eight pages written now...things are chugging along a little better now. i know it's only temporary, because i'm just up to the part where i have to summarize committee hearings (a.k.a. the easy part!), but whatever...at least more pages are appearing out of thin air. given that it's only 1am, and i'm really not tired yet, i'm starting to think this might be doable. i'm starting to feel less screwed.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

five and a half pages...boy am i screwed screwed screwed...and i'm still procrastinating...and the adrenaline hasn't kicked in yet...and i'm still procrastinating...and my thoughts are still going everywhere at once...

i hate this! i need a hug! i need this all to be over!
three and a half pages written. my head tells me i'm screwed, but i just don't feel screwed yet. i'm just writing...and procrastinating...and writing...and procrastinating. at least i've secured one of the windows machines, which means i won't be kicked out of the maclab at 1am...which means i can stay in this little corner of the library until my entire paper gets written...until tomorrow afternoon, most likely. tonight's going to suck, but i can't much complain because it's going to be my only all-nighter (or, my only non-amusement-and-debauchery-related all-nighter) of the quarter.

...and my stat final is done. it was easy, but my calculator decided to break down in the middle of it. eh well...at least one of the profs had an extra one i could borrow. thank goodness. (and now my calculator is fixed, because Seamus is officially The Man. God bless Seamus.)

alright...less rant, more U.S. Congress paper. ugh.
i got up maybe twenty minutes ago, and i'm supposed to have gone to the library by now. not so much...i'm still home. the good news is, i've got a title for my paper:

Any Question In My Head Remains Until You Feel The Same:
Gridlock, the 105th Congress, and the Child Custody Protection Act

i wanted some kind of random music reference that no one would get...and i think this fits the bill. yay for random finger eleven quotes that relate at least obliquely to the paper that i'm writing. :) happy me.

i also have a theoretical framework for my paper, i was reading some stuff about gridlock theory and found out that the theory only makes partial sense in relation to my bill and what happened to it. therefore, i've got something to go to town on, which is good 'cause this is a 25 page paper and i really do need to find as much as i can to write a lot about.

and despite all these grandiose ideas, am i actually writing my paper? no. i'm at home, chatting online, with the person who has become the bane of my productivity...and the source of my silly giddiness...darn me for meeting a cute, sweet, funny guy at the inept show this weekend, right before finals week and all!! :-D

Monday, December 08, 2003

i'm mushy and i'm unproductive. so little of my paper is actually done, but i'm really really happy right now, so it doesn't really matter right now. :)
i'm being so unproductive it's not even funny, but i'm having a blast. screw work.
i'm getting somewhere on that paper...i'm reading through congressional hearing testimony. i'm writing about a bill (a bill that failed, THANK GOD!) that would have made it illegal to take a minor over state lines for an abortion to evade parental consent laws. it's so depressing reading all of these people's testimony supporting that bill. i don't think there should be parental consent or notification laws at all...if a minor wants to tell their parents, if they have an open enough relationship to tell their parents, then they will and they should. but, if not, they shouldn't have a random, imposing judge be their only option for exercising their right to an abortion. (i've never been pregnant, but if i had been pregnant as a teenager, i don't know if i'd have been able to tell my parents or not. i may or may not have been able to tell my mother, and i sure as all get out would not have been able to tell my father about it!) this bill won't even let them go with another family member, a counselor, a religious leader, or another trusted adult to get an abortion. the people who favoured that bill kept talking about how kids need to tell their parents, and about how there are such risks with getting an abortion. sure, getting an abortion probably sucks. a lot. still, like getting pregnant at the age of sixteen would not suck? like that would not be risky? either way, there will be lifelong repercussions by getting pregnant. i see this law leaving kids who can't talk to their parents with two options: screw up their lives by forcing them to have a kid they may not want or be able to care for, or screw up their lives by forcing them to sneak over to another state or sneak out for a back alley abortion. she couldn't win.

like i said, thank goodness this law failed. still, i'm getting so pissed off reading this testimony from all of these clueless people. it's depressing as all get out.
guilty pleasure song of the moment: "i believe in a thing called love" by the darkness. sure, it's the resurrection of bad eighties hair metal, and it's bad, but it's ridiculous and funny and over the top.

(still, i think it was better when i thought it was called "i believe in a thing called lo"--the first time i heard it, that was what Radio Wazee said it was called, since there wasn't enough space in the playlist box atop the screen to fit the full title.)
these next three days are going to be, well, one last scene of struggling for this awful quarter of school. last friday was my last scene of struggling against Pure Evil about those financial aid forms and everything else. it makes me feel a little better to know it's the last, but it's still struggling... anyway, relevant song lyrics.

the last scene of struggling
by finger eleven


the static grows
and kills the message
unclear as the wind blows
thin whispers through all the wreckage
you said you planned to fail
looking so safe but sorry
so be sure to bring the nail
and seal the exit out

feel the way through your revelation
does it feel the way you want to
you want to
just say it like it's all true
you just tell it like you want to

you bled along
the edge of reason
you could have changed your mind
into the driest season
don't explain
i know the lives that you let go
the ones you thought you knew
held out for deep dark truth

feel the way through your revelation
does it feel the way you want to
you want to
just say it like it's all true
you just tell it like you want to

calculate one last scene of struggling
as i'm sinking i'll be looking for you
'cause you know who to blame

but you can't stop the plan
'cause supply met demand

feel the way through your revelation
does it feel the way you want to
you want to
just say it like it's all true
you just tell it like you want to


i think my favourite passage in the song is:
"you said you planned to fail
looking so safe but sorry
so be sure to bring the nail
and seal the exit out"
it describes oh-so-perfectly what happened on friday. i knew it was going to be bad when i called Pure Evil to check up on the forms, especially since i had decided to go one step further and reveal my gripes to it, to actually try and stand up to it as opposed to nodding and smiling. planning to fail described it well, i knew i was going to piss it off. the fact that i did engage in the shouting match that i guess we were both going towards, that was my way of bringing the nail. that was my way of sealing the exit out, because i'm sure i've completed the alienation that he's been pushing for for so long. this distance is painful, but i've realised that it's the only good thing that can happen in this situation.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

i'm getting mushy. this is weird. i don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. it's definitely not a usual thing for me--i'm not a mushy person, darnit!!! i'm just not!!!
i feel better today than i've felt in a while. the concerts last night were absolutely AMAZING...i got to bask in the awesomeness of Inept, Reforma, The Blank Theory, and Escape from Earth, among other bands, all in one night! i saw people i knew, i met lots of new people, and i just had an all-around awesome time. my ears are still ringing, and my neck hurts from headbanging, but screw the occupational hazards--i love going to shows!!

now i just have to deal with the last couple days of school for the quarter, the last final and the last paper, and i'll be all better now.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

...so calling him and standing up to him was supposed to make me feel better. it happened almost 24 hours ago, and i don't feel any better. at least i'm not dreading doing it anymore, but i'm dreading the fallout that he's going to inflict on the rest of my family. he's clearly not going to call me about it...which is good for me, since i can't deal with talking to him. still, it's not going to be pretty dealing with the secondhand fallout.

i also can't shake the feeling that he won the battle, or even the war yesterday. i wrote out cue cards so i could say what was on my mind without going too crazy, and they failed me miserably. it degraded into a shouting match. it degraded into a kindergarten argument as to whether or not i was a selfish bitch. i was too angry to cool my head. my purpose was to stand up to him, and despite my screaming and yelling i still didn't feel like i had a spine.

my head tells me that he's just trying to manipulate me, but he's just so good at it. he's good at making me feel like an awful person. he's good at making me feel like it's a bad thing that i don't talk to him, that i can't talk to him, even though there's really no good that can come of me maintaining a relationship with him at this point in my life.

in other words, it was supposed to make me feel better, but i still feel like a worthless human being. maybe even moreso than before, if that's possible.

Friday, December 05, 2003

wish me luck...wish me some guts...wish me a spine. i'm about to call Pure Evil, and if it's home to pick up the phone, i'm going to lose it. it's pathetic...i had to make up some cue cards so i know what to say to talk to it. i wish i didn't have to do this, but i do. this is hell. pure hell.
should have gone to bed right after i finished that paper two hours ago...not so much. ended up burning minidiscs and talking to people on AIM...and i just finished. i'm not going to work tomorrow, i'm going to the library to work on my poli-sci paper. that's just what has to happen so i won't flunk out.

must...get...some...guts... there's someone i've been talking to that i want to ask out...it was hanging over my head all night when i was talking to her...i wimped out...maybe next time.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

random thought: i really like "Realign" by Godsmack. so many of their recent songs sound the same, and this one kinda does too, but for some reason i really like it...it's got a really engaging groove to it. i want to sing along when i hear it...but that would be contingent on knowing the words to it, which i sure don't.
i haven't heard this song in forever...and it's on radio wazee right now. it's a stupid song, as most of Local H's stuff is, but i forgot how fun it was to hear this song. i feel like posting the lyrics to it, so i'm going to. it's a silly, beautiful breath of fresh air--the lyrics are so candid and self-deprecating.

"all the kids are right"
by local h

you heard that we were great
but now you think we're lame
since you saw the show last night
you hoped that we would rock
knock it up a notch
rockin was nowhere in sight

and its never good when it goes bad
no one likes to feel like they've been had
and it may be ok
but you won't wear our t-shirts now
anymore

first the band looked wired
then the band looked tired
sluggish and a little slow
he's walking through the set
as drunk as he could get
and what the hell was wrong with joe?

and you could tell the crowd was fading fast
every song we played looser than the last
and it may be ok
but you won't wear our t-shirts now

all the kids, they hold a grudge
their minds are logged onto the net
and all the kids, they hold a grudge
you've failed them and they won't forget it
all the kids are tired and turn away
its alright to admit
you're all wrong and all the kids are right

you heard that we were great
but now you know we're lame
since you saw the show last night
you hoped that we would rock
you wished that we'd just stop
and finally we said "good night"

when we had returned for the encore
you and half the room had headed for the door
no one wanted more

all the kids, they hold a grudge
their minds are logged onto the net
and all the kids, they hold a grudge
you've failed them and they won't forget it
all the kids, they're tired and turn away
all the kids, they hold a grudge
their minds are logged onto the net
and all the kids, they hold a grudge
you've failed them and they won't forget it
all your crud won't save you from the kids

its alright to admit
you're all wrong and all the kids are right
"i know it's hard to keep an open heart
when even friends seem out to harm you
but if you could heal a broken heart
wouldn't time be out to charm you
sometimes i need some time on my own
sometimes i need some time all alone
everybody needs some time on their own
don't you know you need some time all alone
and when your fears subside
and shadows still remain
i know that you can love me
when there's no one left to blame
so never mind the darkness
we still can find a way
'cause nothing lasts forever
even cold november rain"
"November Rain"
by Guns 'N Roses
had a painful conversation with my aunt today, right in the middle of work. she called me on my cell...i was sitting at a computer, and i decided i'd rather talk to her than, well, work. i needed to work some stuff out, talk to her about my father's failure to fill out financial aid forms, so it was a necessary conversation. all in all, it also showed what a good person she is...no matter how much i complain about things she does sometimes, or how she perceives me, or how deep into the whole shrink thing she is, the fact remains that she's there for me, that she's a good person. still, talking about the issue of my father is a painful thing, and it didn't help having my mother chortling in the background about how i need to stay in contact with my father and get along with my father and go see my father--i don't have to see that man if i don't want to. i also think i finally told my aunt once and for all that i'm not going to law school next year...i told her this on several occasions before, but i finally broke it down into the naked truth--i.e., i'm sick of school and having a hard enough time slogging through this year. she's disappointed, i know, but she's just going to have to deal.

that was fragmented, that made no sense, but i just had to rant about it somewhere. that somewhere is my blog, because blogging about my family problems means i'm not writing the papers that i have to write for tomorrow.
coupling up. one month anniversary. one year anniversary. engagement. over the last week or two, various couples of my friends have gone through all of these things. they're extolling the virtues of being in relationships. i don't completely feel like a black sheep for being single, but in my circle, we single people are becoming a dying breed.

is it okay not to even want to be in a relationship right now? i don't want anything long and committed, i don't even want anything short-term. the truth of the matter is, a relationship means an emotional tie. i'm not ready for that, i don't have the time, inclination, or energy for it. i'm not still recovering from my relationship with my ex with whom i broke up in May (okay, that recovery took two weeks, tops!), but i still have no desire to risk falling in over my head in a relationship and the requisite planning.

i don't want to fall in love. i don't want that cutesy crap. i want to flirt with everyone in sight. i want to play the field. i want to be the person your parents warned you about, the sultry seductress. i want a warm body to have some fun with and sleep next to every so often...i have divorced sex and love, and i find one-night trysts to be a lot of fun. i want to run wild with my animal attractions and my crazy nature.

maybe i'll be up for the whole relationship thing one day, but that day isn't today. 21 is too young for that, for me.
as much as i moan and complain about my job, at least it's an excuse to not do my schoolwork. it's an excuse to sit and listen to my music.

but it's also a venue for stewing in everything i want to forget. sometimes i don't know what wins out.
"can't stand living
so we wait for another day
i'll pull through
i know you can't stand me
but we're stuck here anyway"
"Motorway"
by emmet swimming

Wednesday, December 03, 2003

at least there's now a bright spot in my life: my minidisc player works! i got it interfaced with my computer yesterday (yay for combining old and new versions of software to get that sucker working on my stinky old windows 98!). i got it working, and then i thought my player was busted. but, i successfully fixed it today, i don't know what i did, but thank goodness!! i'm now listening to the wonderful sounds of Celldweller--and it's perfectly portable!!!!!!!!
"vacant" by dead man holiday is an amazing song. dead man holiday needs to play more shows. they need to play out again, if anything, just so i can hear that song live one more time.
tonight's senior night at the pub. i should be looking forward to it: a night at the pub with a bunch of my friends. karaoke. beer. but, i don't know...i'm not really dreading it, but i'm not really looking forward to it either. i'm a little bummed because i'm missing the shooting blanks concert, even though i can't explain why...i enjoy shooting blanks and the symptoms, it's fun punk rock, but they're not my favourite bands in the world. (i'd also probably be walking right into a trap if i went there, but that's another story.) i'm not having any sort of falling out with my friends who i'm supposed to meet there...quite the contrary, things are going really well with them, and they're just being there for me during this time of my insanity and frustration. i'm also really not up for drinking, or drinking very much tonight...it's the theory that a sad drunk is still just as sad, if not more so. you can't drink to forget, and it even makes you sadder. even if it is a night out with my friends--including one of my closest friends, who's taking a leave of absence this quarter and actually is in town just to visit everyone here (he's leaving tomorrow), i really don't know how much of a mood i'm in to spend tonight in a pub. i guess, at least there's karaoke...and singing in front of people always includes my mood...if only for a while...

i'm just not having a good day.
"there we go
fly far away
supposed to die in this
and then i wake"
"World Inside Me"
by Inept

(no matter what else may be going wrong, no matter how bad it is if i end up calling my father and yelling him out tomorrow, no matter how bad doing my homework and my finals and everything gets, at least i have a reprieve with the shows on saturday night...at least i'll get to see Inept, Reforma, The Blank Theory, and Escape From Earth that night. and then, at least i will wake from this thing that i'm probably supposed to die in, i'll wake the end of next week when everything's over, when i'm free from the shackles of studenthood for a couple of weeks.)
had a breakdown tonight while i was out with three of my friends...it was about my father. the good news is, they all sat and talked with me for an hour or so, calmed me down, and just worked through my incoherent ranting about what a jerk my father is. the problem is that they've all decided that i need to call my father tomorrow and just let loose and yell at him, call him out on his failings--i know that's the right thing to do, but i don't know if i have the wherewithal to do it. i can't stand up to evil...i may have grown up with a stranger, but i grew up with him, and i find it hard to yell. it's just easier to not talk. then again, maybe easier may not be the way to go here.

he still hasn't submitted my financial aid forms for this school year. this is going to put me in so much debt if he doesn't submit them. they're two stinking pages, and they're probably full of zeroes anyway 'cause he's a drunk who doesn't work. i'm so mad i can't see straight.

way for me to ruin a perfectly decent evening with my instability and my family problems. at least i have the greatest friends in the world...they listen to me and support me and are just beautiful people. i love them dearly, i don't know what i would do, what i could do, without them.

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

i suffered through the most excruciatng and awful 45 seconds of my life today, but at least they're over. at least i ranted afterwards, and then went out to an awesome rock show. at least i can forget about them, just for a while.

at least i'm immune from talking to my father for the shortest time being.

Monday, December 01, 2003

as someone who seems to be sorely disappointing one side of her family and then is just tormented by the other side, it's as if this song wraps both sides of that into one little narrative. therefore, this song hits home.

father's eyes
by the blank theory


you tried to control everything
you tried to live through me
you tied my hands with your condescension
i was always walking on glass
you kept me locked in the past
everything i did was to get your attention

i'll always let you down
yeah but i don't care
you'll never understand
i wasted all the time in the world in your eyes
father's eyes

you twist my thoughts with your ways
you let my feeling decay
and now i'm afraid of the world around me
don't let me think for myself
you wish i was somebody else
everything i did was for you
what about me

i'll always let you down
yeah but i don't care
you'll never understand
i wasted all the time in the world in your eyes
you'll never understand
i'll withstand the pain inside
a father's eyes

all the things you broke
all the things you took away
all the things you lost
all the promises you made
never giving in
always feeling betrayed
i won't let you out of my head


i'll always let you down
yeah but i don't care
you'll never understand
i wasted all the time in the world in your eyes
i'll always let you down
yeah but i don't care
you'll never understand
i wasted all the time in the world in your eyes
father's eyes
i don't want to go to class this morning. i want to stay home and blast The Blank Theory and learn all the words to the album and just sing along. their music is great--it's angsty, it's rocking, it's exactly what i need this morning.

need to figure out what i'm doing tonight. i want to find a show to go to, or at least a show to waltz up to afterwards and pass out a boatload of Inept flyers. i need to do some more promoting for the show on saturday night at the metro...it's Inept, Reforma, and The Blank Theory...three of the most amazing bands the chicago scene has.
lesson of the day: it's hard to find the right people for a band. anyone who is in a band who's intact, complete, and not having trouble finding personnel is in a position that i envy to no end right about now.

we've got four members who seem to be clicking really well...our drummer, our lead guitar player, our bassist, and myself (i'm the singer). the three of them have been playing together for a year or so, i've been in the band since about early september. we've gone through two rhythm guitarists since then, both of them having been extremely adept at things like skipping practice and not learning their parts. not so good. then, we have our keyboardist, who comes to practice, but never practices his stuff outside practice, and therefore does not know his parts. in one of our songs, i not only have to sing, but i have to play air keyboard to tell him when to come in and to tell him what rhythm to play. i know his part better than he does, and i'm not even the keyboard player. it gets so frustrating. so, we're back to looking for a rhythm guitarist, and back to looking for a keyboard player. hopefully we'll find the right people, people who will work on the music, people we can get along with...so we don't have to be continuously going back to square one, so we can progress and get better and know more songs and play live. my bassist and i are going to be looking at musician boards and stuff, and i think i'm going to post some signs around school.

and, if you're a guitarist or a keyboard player, and you live in chicago, and you're reading my blog for some reason, drop me an email. you should join my band. :)

Sunday, November 30, 2003

begin silly stream of consciousness

it's after 3am. it's late. i can't form a coherent enough thought in my head to really do anything, but i'm too wired to sleep. i don't know why. i'm surfing the web, but even that's getting old, because i'm hunched over my computer, and my back has been aching all evening. i'd rant to a real live human being, but no one's up, not even anyone on my aim buddy list--and there's ALWAYS someone up on my aim buddy list. this whole thing makes no sense...i was so close to conking out an hour or two ago, and then...not so much. it might make it better if i could crank some music, but my roommate is sleeping. she can put up with a lot, she can put up with lights and me being awake and shuffling papers and hanging my precious setlist collection up on the wall, but i'm not going to subject her to blaring music. granted, i think the music i'd want to blare would be slow and melancholy, but it would also be loud, and i'd start singing along, and it just wouldn't be a very nice thing to do to someone who's lucky enough to have the precious gift of sleep right now.

this is the most gratuitous, self-important blog entry ever because i'm ranting about absolutely nothing of any consequence to anyone but me. still, since no one is up or around to tolerate my ranting, my blog is the only repository.

speaking of ranting, a total non sequitur...i played cards with a couple of my friends today, and they were doing the same jokes that they always make about me. still, for some reason, it bothered me a lot more today than it ever has before. not only that, but the making fun of me seemed less an interspersed thing (which is amusing) and more a constant thing...as in, all they did was lay down a card, take a potshot at me. lay down another card, take another potshot at me. i tried to roll with it, and i did so without breaking down, but it sometimes makes me wonder. they clearly don't mean it maliciously, i know them too well for that. still, even good-natured ribbing, when done without end for a two hour period, gets a little old and a little grating on the old self-esteem. hopefully they'll calm down tomorrow, find something to talk about in addition to comparing me to a certain bleating farm animal.

i need sleep. i need more human interaction--i've had virtually none over the last few days. it's recharging to an extent, but it also gets very, very lonely and very, very disillusioning--i am, in fact, alone with all my wrongs. i can rip myself to shreds, and there's no one there to distract me, comfort me, or tell me i'm being hypercritical. i can give myself a pep talk about believing that i'm worth something, or worth nothing, and for all practical purposes convince myself of anything i want. i can disappear in crowds with nothing but my own emotions and desires to guide me. i can laugh at the little ironies i note, but feel trapped in the idea that no one else would find the ironies funny, or even want to know about these ironies. (yes, this is something that did happen earlier today, but you don't want to know the story, it's a minor, odd addendum to the same story i didn't tell two weeks ago, the one that validates my existence as a manipulative wench. i haven't even told my best friend that story...which is strange, given that i've told him almost all my worse stories.)

at least i have band practice tomorrow. hopefully i'll be able to sing. my throat has been hurting all week, and it's still aching, so i'm still just hoping and praying that it goes away by five o'clock tomorrow. singing is a relase. singing means i can disappear from everything that's weighing on me and just bleed in a healthy, constructive way. singing is beautiful. singing is necessary.

end silly stream of consciousness
"let me lose my mind again
this time forever"
"Recluse"
by The Blank Theory

Saturday, November 29, 2003

i'm totally getting somewhere writing music for this mellow, bitter song--it's the lyrics i posted into this thing on monday. still, i think it would sound better on an acoustic guitar (it's really really strummy), but seeing as how i don't have one, i guess it's electric or bust until i can get my paws on one, right? eh well...i'm coming up with some neat sounding chords and chord progressions, it all sounds so melancholy and weary, which is what the lyrics convey. therefore, i'm succeeding at something.
i could be responsible and hold on to my money...or i could give in to the pull of awesome music. guess what i did when i was at borders today and found beyond the calm of the corridor?

now i've got 13 songs from The Blank Theory i can blast, instead of just the 3 from the demo. :) 13 songs that i can listen to in anticipation of the show a week from today. i haven't seen TBT for over two years (or, i guess, haven't seen them play...i saw most of the band members two weeks ago, but that was hanging out after the escape from earth/inept show...i digress...), and i can't wait to see them again finally!
"slow chemical"
by finger eleven

the wonder of the world is gone and old for sure
all the wonder that i would have found in her
as a hole becomes another strike to burn
an old flame returns

every intuition fails to find it's way
one more table turned around i'm back again
finding i'm a lost and found when she's not around
when she's not around i feel it coming down

get me what i could never ask for
connect me and you could be my chemical now
give me the drug you know I'm after
connect me and you could be my chemical

when everybody wants (the chemical of) your soul
when everybody wants (the chemical of) your soul

slow and
everybody wants you
so slow and
everybody wants your soul

give me what i could never ask for
connect me and you could be my chemical now
give me the drug you know i'm after
connect me and you could be the chemical
you could be the chemical
you could be the chemical
you could be the chemical
alright...this isn't a news blog, i don't really post links to news stories here, but this is absolutely appalling. i know there's a reason i hate shopping on the day after thanksgiving, and this is it.

trampled at wal-mart? over a stinking DVD player? sounds like consumerist jerks at their worst.
i went to go see the burbanks, charleston dueling society, and private joker up at the fantasy lounge...awesome show. so much punk rock awesomeness and energy, it just made me happy and excited. it was a beautiful, wonderful escape from everything i've been ranting about lately. there are reasons i go to shows, just to bask in the wonderful music and the camaraderie between fans and musicians and everyone there, and it was in full force tonight. happy me.

the only thing i feel the least bit annoyed with right now is the 55 garfield bus...i waited for 45 minutes for that silly thing, in the freezing cold, at 2:30 this morning! see, the concert was at the fantasy lounge--at the corner of montrose and elston. it's really easy to get to during the early evening when all the buses are running--and not so easy to get home from at 1 in the morning when all the buses have stopped. the good news is, i figured out that there was a blue line stop near irving park and pulaski, so i could take the blue line to the red line. then, i got off the red line at 55th street (the stop is in a really sketch part of town, and it's freezing cold to boot because it's on an overpass above the dan ryan). the bus just wouldn't come! at least it finally did, though...and it was a lot warmer and less windy on the walk home from the bus, since it wasn't on a stinking overpass!

okay, end public transit rant. stuff like that is a small price to pay to go see an awesome rock show. :)

that's really about all that happened of consequence today...i spent most of my day either sitting at home and reading silly books, or sitting at restaurants or coffeehouses, sipping coffee, and reading silly books. today was a sanity day for me. i know i'll have to deal with real life again tomorrow, with planning things, with figuring out when and how i'm going to write that stupid poli-sci paper, with when i'm going to deal with my relatives, but not today. today was my day to just be me, and what a wonderful sanity day it was.

this is the best i've felt in a while.

Friday, November 28, 2003

i should do work today. i'm sure i won't, i'm just not motivated to. i'm not under enough pressure yet. i'm going to end up sitting around all day, maybe tinkering around with my guitar. today would be the perfect day to burn all my minidiscs too, but since i haven't found an OS update, i'm kinda screwed on that still. grr...need to get my paws on something...

i'm so sluggish today. my neck hurts. i don't feel like doing anything, i just feel like sitting around at home. i'm going to go see the burbanks tonight, which should be loads of fun (punk shows always are!). at least i have something to look forward to.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

goal for the day: forget about my family and my troubles and just have a nice freaking holiday. this is probably not very possible, given that i should probably be calling my family today. i'll call my sister, it's her birthday, and that should be painless unless she talks about my father (she still gets along with that man).

theme of the day: out of sight, out of mind. i'll be spending time with my friends' families today, and attempting to be happy. i'm going to make a valiant attempt.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

my good mood has died. the more i do to be productive, the more i have to do. my father has screwed me over more than he will ever know by not yet filling out two stupid financial aid forms for this year, and now i have to go back and cover his tracks, and probably put myself into more debt because of it. it also means getting my aunt to cosign on said debt, which is going to be a humiliating and difficult task in itself. this was supposed to be the year that everything worked out. not so much. it's instead the year that everything is working out worse than it has in the last three combined. it's even more depressing because it's a lot of money to get a piece of paper that a really want to have, even though i can hardly deal with the process of finishing my degree, even though it's hardly worth being in school otherwise.

at least it's my last year of college. at least it's my last time having to go through this stuff.

what i need to do is bite the bullet and send a long honking email to my aunt about this entire situation, and then i need to go out for the night. i'm a little bummed because there's no feasable way to do what i wanted to do tonight--i wanted to go to the ADD concert tonight, but it's out in lansing, and it's late at night, and it's so far from the metra that metra is not going to be an option. since none of my friends with cars would be caught dead at an ADD show (they just don't like that kind of music), i'm sore out of luck. i need to find a concert or a bar or something to go to tonight. i could find a friend to go out with, or i could foray alone into the nightlife as i am usually wont to do, it really doesn't matter. i probably should lie low and clean my room, but i need to get out of here.
i'm in a good mood for the first time all day. i'll tell you...hearing an awesome, engaging song can be better than sex. case in point...i just heard "numb" by linkin park on the radio...that song has been one of my addictions for several weeks now, and it just doesn't get old. it took all my resolve not to sing along at the top of my lungs right here in the office, but either way, it just lifted my spirits like nothing else.
"i'll keep on dying a little each day
which should suit you just fine
'cause you can't stand to see me alive"
"Texas Hold 'Em"
by No Particular Night...or Mourning

so last night was supposed to be a perfectly fun night, and i lost it. i got all weepy after the poker game, just about all the stuff that's hitting the fan about my relatives and about school and about the awful intersection of the two. the good news is that i have the greatest friends ever...i don't think i scared the crap out of them too much by breaking down, and they were just...there for me. i still have so much to deal with, i still don't know what to do with my life, i still know that my relatives are going to hate me and think i'm a failure, but at least there are a few people who can stand me, and not just can stand me, a few people who love me.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

i'm just not doing well today. the only thing i'm looking forward to is more escape, in the form of mock trial practice, and then in the form of playing poker and drinking beer. none of this is going to solve my problems, but it's all just too bleak to face.

yay for pretending to function?!?!
"can't stand living
so we wait for another day"
"Motorway"
by emmet swimming

is it possible to be burnt out without being really stressed? if so, that the perfect description of me right now. i'm so sick of school. i'm so sick of fending off my relatives. i'm so sick of all of that. i'm not having a good morning. my room is a mess. i was up doing stat homework last night, and i have more to do this morning. i still can't use my minidisc player. i think i'm getting sick. all i can bring myself to do is complain. it's not like anything new is going wrong, it's just that everything is trying to blow up in my face at once, and i'm trying to hold it off as much as possible, and it's still just surging forth. i'm trying to make it to a day where i can tolerate this, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen...not 'til march anyway, because the more i think about it, the more i'm convinced it'll be awesome not to take classes my last quarter here, to just get an apartment and work and not deal with the hell of being a student. i should probably talk to my advisor about this, because this idea is really the only school-related thing that makes me happy right now. i love the prospect of getting out ASAP.

Monday, November 24, 2003

i wrote these lyrics this weekend...i need to set them to music...they're not based on anything in particular, but kind of a composite of stuff, a composite of people... anyway, i like these lyrics. stuff like this was kind of the purpose of this blog anyway...i started this blog as a place to post poetic fragments and full writings. it has kind of degraded to mostly a place where i rant about my days (when i started this blog, i had another blog where i ranted about my days...it was under a pseudonym...but i stopped that blog when i feel like i put too much information about a certain...incident.) anyway...an untitled glob of words.

you overheard me talk about what happened yesteryear
thought you were a friend of a friend
i answered when you asked if i'd describe a thing or two
but your interrogation had no end

you said you're so sorry
it must be so hard
a friend of your sister's
it happened to her
i try to change topics
you keep fawning on
as if that one thing defines me

just know that i'm flattered
that you told me you care
won't you please ignore me
the burden of sympathy
is too much to bear
won't you please ignore me
yes it all happened
it was my fault i shared
won't you please ignore me
but it's irrelevant now
and i'm not dwelling there
won't you please ignore me

you want to be the knight who saves this damsel in distress
there's no one here you need to defend
you'd have done me better of you never heard a thing
and concentrated on the life at hand

you said you're so sorry
it must be so hard
a friend of your sister's
it happened to her
i try to change topics
you keep fawning on
as if that one thing defines me

just know that i'm flattered
that you told me you care
won't you please ignore me
the burden of sympathy
is too much to bear
won't you please ignore me
yes it all happened
it was my fault i shared
won't you please ignore me
but it's irrelevant now
and i'm not dwelling there
won't you please ignore me
they need to post lyrics on reforma's website. that would make me really happy. then i'd know a lot more of the lyrics than i do now, which would be a wonderful thing because i really want to sing along whenever i listen to them. their melodies are so cool and so catchy.

(alright, end random thoughts that pop into my head when my mp3 player starts playing "beginnings of a conversation".)

i can't decide if i'm having a good day or a bad day. it's awful in the sense that i know i have to go yell at the financial aid office and that i have to go to my US Congress class that i haven't been to in a week and a half and that i have to go to the reg and get some work done on that horrid US Congress paper that i don't want to write. it's bad because i have to deal with school stuff. i hate school.

it's also a bit bad because my throat hurts today. :( i probably blew it out during intense band practices the last two days. still, whatever...it'll go away by later today or tomorrow, and it'll be all good...and i love love love band practice.

it's good because i've been spending all day just sitting around and listening to tunes. there's an awesome live version of "absent elements" by finger eleven (yes, that song is the namesake for this website domain...i'm such a music geek!) on the DVD that came with finger eleven's selftitled album. i watched that this morning. i've also been listening to random stuff as i surf the web and post on all of the message boards for bands i listen to. i love my playlist...i can't wait until i can use my minidisc player so i can take my playlist with me. that will be the greatest thing ever. it's also good because i have bowling league tonight...it's the last night, and my team is in the losers bracket, but whatever...it's bowling. bowling is fun.

and...less than two weeks until Inept, Reforma, and The Blank Theory are all playing the Metro...and then Escape from Earth is playing the Double Door...happy me. (well, a little bit not so happy me because the ratbag hero bus trip/day full of punk rock is also the same day, and i'm really bummed that i'm missing that show, but i'll live...and there will be plenty more times for me to annoy the crap out of--and act like a total idiot with--my favourite chicago punk rockers.)

Sunday, November 23, 2003

i hate computers. i got this cute minidisc player yesterday so i can run around and listen to all of my awesome music wherever i go. but, my computer needs an update. i won't be able to get the update unless i find someone with said update. i bid on it on ebay...there are three days left in the auction, hopefully no one will outbid me, because then i'll get the CD and be able to use my minidisc player on my computer. from here on out, i'm going to see if i can load the program on a computer lab computer and burn stuff that way. i'm going to try doing that after mock trial and before band practice today, or maybe try doing it sometime tomorrow if there's no time for that today...aaargh. i want to use my minidisc player! my CD player went kaput, i'm so sick of using my tape player that only has the radio (yuck) and tapes. i have so few tapes. i have one tape that i keep listening to...it's a mix tape i made a couple weeks ago, and it's the greatest mix tape ever, but i still want more than just that rotation. it being the greatest mix tape ever, though, i'm going to subject you to the tracklisting just because i can. :)

"this sucks! my CD player's busted!" mix--11.6.03

"It's A Stick-Up" by Dead Man Holiday (i made this tape to take to a mock trial tournament, and this song is my mock trial mojo song. it gets me so freaking hyper!)
"These Days" by Inept
"Rain Song" by Cold
"My Immortal" by Evanescence
"Sad Exchange" by Finger Eleven
"One Thing" by Escape from Earth
"Shell" by Memento
"Spin" by Revis
"I Will Find A Way" by Reforma
"Get Over" by The Marvelous 3
"Schizome" by No Fate
"Enemy" by Eve 6
"Bottled" by Dysception
"Cook County Sheriff" by Ratbag Hero
"Get It Faster" by Jimmy Eat World (that's been my mojo song the last two seasons of mock)
"Omaha" by Counting Crows
"Get Famous" by Kill Hannah
"A Letter" by One Step Behind
"King of New Orleans" by Better Than Ezra
"2x4" by Wesley Willis

those are all such awesome songs. still, i'd love to have a rotation of more than about 20 songs, which i will finally have when i can burn my minidiscs.

on another topic, i need to find more shows to go to, or at least promote after, this week. i was going to do some hardcore promoting for reforma at north beach today at the one below nothing show, but i can't go. i think the reason i'm saddest that i can't go to this show is that i told damon that i'd promote reforma there, and now i can't go. poor guy, he's all worried that since he's out of town for the week that it's lost time promoting. sure, he's out of town, but there are definitely people on the ground here in chicago still getting the word out about that show. i'll definitely do some promoting this week...i'll find a show on wednesday to go to (monday's out probably because of bowling league, maybe i can find a show to show up at the end of...tuesday's out because of mock.), and then friday i'm going to the burbanks' show, and i'll pass out flyers there. who knows how much of a success that may or may not be, it seems like there are two pretty different scenes, the rock scene and the punk scene. there's still a bit of a crossover, though...some cross-promoting...heck, i heard of ratbag hero because i went to the evil beaver show that was brought to my attention by a flyer given to me at a show featuring escape from earth, empyrean, dead man holiday, and inept. anyway...it'll be happy. i'll hit the streets, and hopefully lots of people will come to that show.
well...ix-nay on the one below nothing show. :( that's kind of a bummer, 'cause i really wanted to see them tomorrow, but it turns out that even though we practiced today, my band is practicing again tomorrow. i'm a bit sad that i'm missing the show, but band practice is always a blast, and it's especially great because i get to help make the rock and roll as opposed to seeing and hearing the rock and roll. we got some stuff done today, but it was mainly only the songs we have keys on, because our keyboardist was here today--and our new guitarist ditched practice today. hopefully he'll show tomorrow--our keyboardist isn't going to be able to make it, so we'll get to do the really guitar intensive stuff. as long as my voice isn't dead from practice today, it'll be great because a lot of the songs we'll do tomorrow involve me screaming my head off. screaming my head off is lots of fun, lots and lots of fun! :)

...and eventually i will get to see one below nothing again. it's been forever, it's been since mid-october. yay screamfest...that was such a sweet show, seven bands playing an all day shindig in a random person's front yard. it was the essence of local music. bands just rocking out where they were. hardcore fans. (the show wasn't very well promoted, so the only people who really heard about it were people who knew members of some of the bands). really fun people. really good music.

i probably think and talk about music too much. still, it's what i like. it's one of my homes...i'm at home with my friends, my mock, and my music. concerts, band practice, even just a tape player or a CD player...it's one big sanctuary, where i can be in touch with my emotions, where i can commune with my inner self and the way different pieces of music touch and shape and mold and support my inner self.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

happy nicolle...one below nothing concert tomorrow. :) it was so cute, their lead singer sent me an email this morning to remind me about the show. he gets a cookie. and, since my band is practicing today and not tomorrow, i can go! it'll mean trucking it out all the way to downers grove, but that's not so bad at all. i'll bring some reading for school to do on the train(or just write song lyrics, i seem to be better at that anyway!), it'll be all good. yay one below nothing!

it should be a weekday today. since i partied my head off on wednesday and thursday, and then yesterday was a lot calmer (i.e., i actually went to class, went to work, and then went to a movie screening for class. and then i went to bed early.) well, i'm not complaining that it's not a school day--i'm going up to the north side to spend my birthday money. i've got a barnes and noble gift certificate, and then i also want to go to best buy and buy a CD player since i'm going NUTS just listening to tapes and the...gasp...radio. the radio especially sucks because i usually end up flipping between q101 and the zone in a futile quest to hear either "numb" by linkin park or "i hate (everything about you)" by three days grace. i was going to try and save up for an iPod (birthday and christmas money), but my computer doesn't have a new enough operating system to run iTunes, and i'm not going to buy more RAM for this piece of crap computer that's probably going to go kaput soon enough anyway. so, a new CD player it is.
random reflections on what could possibly be the most absurd night of my life...or, the most absurd night barring the other times that i've been to ratbag hero concerts.

--walking around the south side of chicago while drunk is probably a dumb idea, but it didn't seem so dumb at the time. sure, it's a long walk from 45th and washtenaw to 32nd and racine, and those (brighton park...bridgeport...whatever's in between...) probably aren't the best neighbourhoods to be walking through at three in the morning, but you've gotta admit that it's a funny story. it's an offbeat badge of honour to have done that...i'm strangely proud.

--corollary: it's amusing when two random guys standing on 31st street in bridgeport start randomly handing you beers, raving to the lead singer of your favourite punk band about having seen an article about them in the paper, and hurling nonsensical insults about that really bad cover band you saw play after your favourite punk band earlier that evening. it's also really funny when there becomes an accidental congregation of six or eight drunk people on said location on 31st street talking about absolutely nothing in particular.

--sometimes jerks rock, as long as they're fun jerks. they dish it out, but you can dish it right back out at them without the slightest bit of remorse or inhibition. they let you, well, be a jerk right back.

--i can never figure out where to draw the line between coy and ditzy. either i'm so not-coy than any attempts at being coy are lost on the target, or i try to be so coy and coquettish that i turn into pabulum. i need to find a balance. i definitely don't know where that balance is, although i crossed into huge freaking ditz so many times last night as for it to be pathetic.

--at this point in my life, i'm most definitely playing for fun. if you're thinking about tomorrow, or thinking about the ramifications of what you do today on tomorrow, go away. i don't have the time or the inclination for it right now. you can't take away my right to be stupid.

--corollary: i'm still a manipulative wench. this is even more apparent now than it was after last weekend.

--it's absurd, and quite funny, when one guy buys you a drink at the behest of the guy you're actually at the bar to hang out with.

--next time i ever write out setlists for a band (that's not mine), i'll definitely throw in a song that they don't know. i should have pulled that trick last night, it would have been really funny to see.

--i love punk rock.

--ratbag hero rocks.

Friday, November 21, 2003

last night was such a farce. it was a farce in the most amusing and insane way, it was a wonderful farce, but it was such a farce. there's no other way to put it.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

i'm bleeding under my fishnet tights
i guess i'm not so good at hiding things
after all
21...what an anticlimax. the day, anyway. it was a fun day, and it was more proof that i love my friends more than words can say. but, i think it's a lot more fun celebrating other people's 21sts than it was actually celebrating mine. it's so awkward to get people together for the purpose of celebrating me. i never quite feel like i should be celebrated...i love being the centre of attention, but there's a difference. i like being the centre of attention because i'm actually doing something...be it serious or stupid, it doesn't matter at all. but, just because it's my "birthday"...i don't know, it's awkward. i love other people's birthdays, i just hate my own.

it is nice knowledge, though, that i'll be able to go out wherever i want and not have to worry about false pretenses. it's not even the drinking thing...i think that's a big reason yesterday was an anticlimax. yes, i drank yesterday, but after all this expectation of having a ginormous blast and getting really really drunk...i didn't. i got a little inebriated, but i still felt like i was just going through the motions. to be honest, i feel like i'm getting old--i don't think i like bar night anymore. if i'm going to drink and be crazy, i'd rather do it anywhere else...at a friend's apartment party, at a bar like last friday...just somewhere where i can hang out with people i know, maybe meet new people, and just be happy. bar night, you really can't move around too much, and there aren't new people to meet, just the same old regulars that go there every week, that i see around school all the time. there was a lot more novelty to that last year since i didn't know who went and who didn't, but now it's just getting really really...blah. i'm looking forward to exploring the city scene a lot more...going to 21 and over concerts, going to random bars on the north side, stuff like that.

it's a strange feeling. still, it's a welcome one. i've got my sphere here on campus, all the people i know and hang out with and just do whatever with. they're my core, and i'd be such a shell without them. i've got the music scene, where i go to concerts and i'm in the process of meeting lots of fun people...i don't have the foggiest where that part of my life is going to lead, but it's a wonderful thing.

this is such a senseless rant, and it's not coming anywhere close to encompassing the jadedness i feel this morning, but i'm trying. all i know is, i'm another year older, and i now need to put that out of my mind and focus on what actually makes me happy. i'm often not so good at that.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

why does absolutely EVERYTHING have to be happening on the same day! i wish that just for a day (specifically, december the 6th!), i could copy myself. one of these particular me's would go see inept, reforma, the blank theory, no one, and stripping the pistol at the metro, and then go down to the double door to see escape from earth. the other me would go on the ratbag hero bus ride...see the pre-party-show at the bakery (hehe...shakes head and giggles...), and then go out to the 'burbs to see the ratbag boys play.

either that, or i wish one or the other of these events were on a different night so i could do all of this. wow, it really sucks when everyone plays the same night!

eh well...at least i'm seeing ratbag tomorrow! (my first legit 21+ show, since today's my 21st birthday! yay for me!) i heart ratbag hero!
happy nicky. it's been a nice birthday so far, all two hours of it. :) it was a blast having a few drinks with the buddies out at bar louie. vodka with watermelon jolly rancher dissolved in it...that makes for a very yummy shot. whoohoo!

not looking forward to going to class tomorrow...haven't decided if i'm going to one class or two tomorrow, but either way, there should be laws against having class on my birthday. life would be so much better if i could just party all day. isn't that what my 21st is for, anyway?!?!?!

whatever. i'm in a decent mood right now for the first time in days. don't screw that up for me.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

i'm so amused: "figured you out" by nickelback has got to be one of the dirtiest songs ever, or at least one of the passages in it is. it's not a particularly good song (it's been downhill since "the state", which actually was a pretty good album), but i'm amused. maybe my mind's just in the gutter because i'm doing homework at the library. whatever...

speaking of homework, i think today's the first day all quarter i've actually felt motivated to do any schoolwork whatsoever. that's pathetic, given that the quarter's almost over, but i'm marginally pleased.
one more thing. last night, my friend inadvertently proposed something that, if i were to die anytime soon, would be the most fitting epitaph for my tombstone:

"just because you're dead doesn't mean that you're significant."
all i want to do is just post song lyrics on this thing right now, so that's what i'm going to do.

this song is indicative of my mood yesterday and this morning.

"vacant" by dead man holiday

sinister emotions
run with the stampede
toying with our morals
favouring the bad seed
i'm trying hard to convince myself
and still i wonder why
the pictures keep on breaking
the victims always die

we are waiting for tomorrow
barely breathing from our yesterdays
we are waiting for tomorrow
barely breathing from our yesterdays

still i stand here separate
bleeding from my eyes
promises mean nothing
from a book full of lies
so underneath this poison
where we decide to stay
drowning in complacency
and fading away

we are waiting for tomorrow
barely breathing from our yesterdays
we are waiting for tomorrow
barely breathing from our yesterdays

i walk
i breathe
i keep searching and trying to get across
but i seem to have lost my map of resilience
never to be found

our lives drenched in sorrow
vacancy folds
the truth we abandon
the truth that we hold
we keep playing leader
emptiness grows
the life we continue to follow

we are waiting for tomorrow
barely breathing from our yesterdays
we are waiting for tomorrow
barely breathing from our yesterdays

i don't know why this next song is striking such a chord with me right now, but it is. maybe because it's such a powertrip to have someone wrapped around your little finger? i'm an evil human being. either that, or i've seen too many people being destroyed by being addicted to others, and i relate to seeing this evil. i can't decide whether i'm attracted or appalled by the sentiments in this song...this is scary, but i'm not going to think too hard about that just yet. i'll just revel in the awesomeness of it, because either way it's such a good song.

"addicted" by the blank theory

you find yourself in circumstances that you can't control
you follow me around everywhere
everywhere i go
it's the way you want it and it's the way I've worked it out
it's the way you want it and i'll always let you down

all the things you'll never be
the further down you walk with me
once I had the things you'd want
now i have something you need

i want to give you more
i want you addicted to me
i want to give you more
i want you addicted to me

i don't mind pretending i'm someone else
whoever you want me to be
as long as i'm inside you
you'll never want me to leave
it's the way you want it
you'll never be alone
it's the way you wanted to trust in me
and now i have control

all the things you'll never be
the further down you walk with me
once I had the things you'd want
now i have something you need

i want to give you more
i want you addicted to me
i want to give you more
i want you addicted to me

i want to give you more
i want you addicted to me
i want to give you more
something that no one else can give
i want to give you more
i want to give you more
i want to give you more
i want you addicted to me
i like one of my friend's ideas for what i should do with the Box From Pure Evil: sell it to someone on ebay as a "mystery box." i probably ::should:: actually open it, but there's something so dirty about accepting an unwanted birthday gift from an unwanted, evil man.

it doesn't feel like my birthday is tomorrow. i'm used to looking toward my birthday with a sense of excitement. i can't say i'm excited. i can't say i dread it, like i dreaded twenty, but i'm looking at it with utter and complete indifference. it's really demoralizing.

i guess one of the lines in the song that i just posted says it all...how can i heal when there's blood still on the floor? there really is no way to work anything out, there really is no way to disappear.
"shell" by memento

crawl away into the shell you put yourself in
crawl away
i watched you crawl away
not one set of footprints in this burning sand
it fell away
i watched it fall away

who am i in your eyes

how does it feel
how does it feel
how does it feel you're asking
i can't heal
i can't feel you anymore
i'll never kneel
i'll never kneel
i'll never kneel before you
how can i heal when there's blood still on the floor

in a vacuum screaming
hope was not in season
please hear me
someone hear me
if i could you know i'd take your place my friend
not again
i guess i'll carry you again

who am i in your eyes

how does it feel
how does it feel
how does it feel you're asking
i can't heal
i can't feel you anymore
i'll never kneel
i'll never kneel
i'll never kneel before you
how can i heal when there's blood still on the floor

hold on...

how does it feel
how does it feel
how does it feel you're asking
i can't heal
i can't feel you anymore
i'll never kneel
i'll never kneel
i'll never kneel before you
how can i heal when there's blood still on the floor

Monday, November 17, 2003

i can't decide if i've never felt so integrated in my life, or if i've never felt so adrift. sometimes i feel both ways at once, which may be a problem.

i hate being a student, but i don't see the point of quitting when i'm so close to the end. i'm starting to think more and more seriously about graduating in march instead of in june. sure, it would mean having to find a place and a job (at least a temporary one) sooner, but it would also mean a few thousand dollars less debt to pay for something i'm freaking sick of anyway.

everything else is wonderful, i just don't have time for all of it sometimes. i love my friends, mock trial, my band, my concertgoing and all of the cool people i've met at the shows. it's such a joy...i just love everything but school. my relatives are about ready to kill me for not going straight to law school, but that's not something i'm ready to do right now, it's not something i want to do.

total one eighty, but speaking of relatives, what do you do when you get a package in the mail from Pure Evil? do i acknowledge it? do i not? do i return it to sender since the idea of opening it makes me sick to my stomach? i don't have the foggiest.

eh well, at least i'll be 21 in two days. i need to figure out what i'm doing with my friends on wednesday. i also need to talk my way into getting out of mock trial early on thursday in order to go to the ratbag hero show on thursday night at the big horse. it'll be my first legitimately attended 21 and over show...fitting enough, since my last, umm, not-so-legitimately attended 21 and over concert was also a ratbag hero show. :) i love that band.

my brain is bouncing around without a hint of direction. i wish it were 7 and not 5:30...bowling league is at 7, and it's a welcome distraction.

good fight, goodnight.
(a horrible three a.m. rant, following very disconcerting chats with several relatives today.)

your chains of red
are rusting away
and now i can finally fly
into a world of silver and grey

i'm not twelve anymore
i'm not sixteen anymore
and whoever said that blood
is thicker than water
has never seen what i bleed

you may have raised me
you may have occupied my space
when i was small
but you don't know what's best for me anymore
you still think i am twelve
sixteen
and want to be the same girl i was then

to live forever
with my nose in the pages
and my body in the cell
detached from society
the same society
that has been nurturing me to health
ever since i tried to fly away

into a better
more solid world
of silver and grey
my fingers hurt, my voice is dead, but i just had seven hours of the most splendid band practice ever.

thank goodness i decided to get in on music myself. i've only been doing this for about two months, but it's hard to imagine my life without it.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

two lessons from the night of november 14, 2003:

--hanging out after a show with rockers is a lot of fun, especially when it seems like everyone from every band you like in the city is hanging out at one bar. :)

--i am such a manipulative little wench, and i really don't think i care. (you really don't want to know the story behind this, just the end realisation.)

Friday, November 14, 2003

so today, at mock trial stacking, my captain from the last month called me out on my confidence issues. no duh--would someone without confidence issues break down and cry during recess? i don't think so. the problem is, i'd get rid of my confidence issues if i felt like i really deserved to have any confidence in myself. i don't deserve it, so i don't have a whole heck of a lot. that's just how it goes.

on a much more pleasant topic, i'm excited. tomorrow's the big show with inept and escape from earth and dysception and disonic! it's going to be the best concert ever.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

i wrote a good portion of a song this afternoon...i wrote lyrics to verses in class today, and i set them to music. it's about a flower, or being in a flower, or something like that. the scary thing is, i've been channeling the spirits of Ben Folds and Phoebe from Friends...the lyrics are scattered and random, and the music is mellow as all get out. still, i have the feeling, that if i make an interesting chorus, and maybe a bridge, that it would be a good song. still, i don't see it as something i could take to my band, i see it as more of me sitting there with a guitar. then again, it could definitely be reworked, maybe i do want the chorus to kick in nice and loud, and even the verses to be a bit less moseying and delicate. in other words, it needs some work, but i think i'm going somewhere.

it's not blue arms and meaningless sex, which is something that will be addressed when i have something much heavier in my head, but it's definitely random and weird and cool.
i said too much. i didn't say enough. i can't decide. either way, jaylynne is dead, at least for now. if you don't know who she is, count yourself lucky. if you know who she is, it was never quite fair that she was a separate entity, she was a tight black mesh curtain behind which i hid. i still hide some of it. i've shown a few pieces.

maybe one day i can wake up and say that i am jaylynne, that jaylynne is me, that we are one and the same, and that i don't keep any secrets about myself from anyone. that day isn't quite here yet, but i have acknowledged that it's a pointless thing to separate my life (under a pseudonym) and at least snippets of my art. it needs to be one and the same, since what i write about comes invariably from what i think, feel, and do.

i still don't know how often i'm going to write in this, but hopefully more often, since i do feel more grounded when more of my thoughts are in one place, and not scribbled on sheets of paper shoved in my shoulder bag or shoved within the pages of my little black binder. still, any of my musings, anything that i'll tell anyone, any of my snippets of song lyrics to write, will probably end up in here.

it's good to have a starting point.

it's good to have one name.
"i'm trapped in a world
i created myself
haunted by regret
it screams to me
if i could go back and change this
i'd do things differently
isn't it too late now"
"Yesterday"
by Escape From Earth
i need to write something about blue arms and meaningless sex. i have had random thoughts about that all day, and i need to feel inspired, together, and alone enough to actually pick up my guitar and write a song about it. i have a line here, a line there in my head, but i can't really DO anything about it until i have a tune. i won't have a tune until i can plug in my guitar and play it, which can't be right now because all my roommates are sleeping, and i really don't have anything musically in my head except for that tritone power chord riff. it's cool, and i think i'm going to meld it with some twelve bar blues and come up with another song, but i see it being the backing for something a lot more straightforward, something a lot more hit-you-in-the-face than, well, blue arms and meaningless sex.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

move-in day god
dressed all in black
disjointed head floating on the television screen
tells an interesting story
floating way over my head
and i listen anyway

the path of enlightenment
of real intelligence
floats in his general direction

and if all talking heads on television
were as divine
then the world would not be headed
towards rotten brains
and distorted mindsets

this god is not omnipotent
he does not have all the answers
and he's as human as i am
but that's no matter
something in me tells me
that he has what i'm looking for
to find all of the answers for myself
to know the requisite things
that must precede
fifty two pick up
fifty one picked up
the last one slid down the vent
i can move beyond this train wreck
go out and buy a new deck
but that assumes i'm able to forget

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

a few lines...a skeleton, if you will, of a waltz poem about being at work

nothing i'm charged to do there is real
all that is left is to think and to feel

...all they demand
is to sit in one place and to work with my hands
(is i?)

it is in prison where thought(s) run(s) most free

Saturday, August 02, 2003

the door story, revisited again...

jancie heard the harsh sound of a metal door slamming shut, and the door locking behind her. it sounded like a jail cell in the movies. she was alone in the room except for the locked door behind her, two other locked doors in front of her, and two rod-shaped fluorescent lightbulbs over her head.

a pair of keys dropped in front of her feet. jancie looked up to ascertain fron whence they came, but all she saw was the two fluorescent lightbulbs and the olive green plaster ceiling. she looked around to make sure there were no eyes peering at her from the walls, picked up the keys, and wondered which door she should try first.

she still had no idea why she was in this room, how she got there. the last thing she knew before she entered it, she had been writhing frantically on her too-small living room couch, trying to get comfortable. she was also in the middle of a heavy, solitary pondering session about where her life was headed. however unpleasant it was, however scary, she decided that she needed to finish this exercise. the desolate room with three doors and two keys was not helping her think at all. letting herself assume that this was the door from which she came into the room, she decided that her most logical choice would be to test the keys in the door behind her, the one that she had heard shut and lock only moments before.

jancie turned around and walked the three quick steps to the door. the linoleum floorm as ugly and olive green as everything else in the room, was freezing cold underfoot. she gripped the cold metal doorknob, jerked it around a bit, and pulled, testing the door in the small hope that it was unlocked, that she wouldn't need either of the mysterious keys. this effort was to no avail, and the door did not even budge.

looking down at her hands, jancie fumbled with the two keys she had picked up. they were both about the same size, but one of the keys had a rounded head, and the other had a square head. preferring rounder shapes in general, she picked up the round-headed key and slid it into the lock in the door. she attempted to turn the key, but the feeling was eerily similar to the one she got when she tested the doorknob. jancie jerked and jiggled the key, but never went more than a millimeter or two in either direction. frustrated, she pulled the key out of the door, planning to next test the square key.

she had hardly pulled the key out of the door when she saw the bulbous handle of the doorknob drop to the floor. it hit the linoleum with a definitive clack, and jancie instinctively bent over to pick up the doorknob. she looked down, bent over, and picked it up; the door was out of her field of vision for no longer than a second. when she looked up again, confused and frustrated with her presence in the room and her inability to get through the door and out, she beheld an expanse of olive green wall where the door had been only moments before.

"i wish you hadn't done that."

jancie looked around, finding her incomprehensible situation even less comprehensible. she had no idea where she was, and besides, she had just checked the room for company moments before and found none. she frantically looked for the source of this voice: a face, a speaker, a hole in the wall, anything. she still found the same olive green plaster ceiling, the same olive green plaster walls, the same off-white specked linoleum floor. she couldn't see any breaches in any of it, other than the two painted olive green metal doors directly across the room from her.

it was only then, when she realized that she couldn't see a source of the voice (do more with this, the inability to see as a cause for getting freaked out?), that her breath started to quicken in anticipation of a fight or flight situation. it did not even consciously occur to her that she had nowhere necessarily to flee, that she had two keys that may or may not open two doors that lead to unknown destinations.

"what? do what? who are you?" jancie stammered, a bit surprised that she could form coherent questions, however short they were. her eyes darted around the room, searching for the source of the voice, waiting for an answer, seeing nothing but emptiness to mirror the silence that filled her ears.

"i wish you hadn't done that."

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

it was such a privilege to have an eraser pencil in kindergarten. that's what we called them, eraser pencils, to distinguish them from the rest of the pencils, almost all of the pencils, from which the teacher had ripped the erasers. to this day, i do not understand why the teacher did that.

Monday, July 28, 2003

the two hundred year old book smelled like tea...fragrant, earl grey tea. fitting, since the book was a little old tome of english law. i expected the book to smell like dust, to choke me when i inhaled the scent of its pages, but it did not. nothing gritty or awful rose from the pages, just the wonderful scent of tea. if the book weren't library property, i'd be tempted to brew one of the pages to see what it tastes like, to see of the pages of this book were made of tea, if they made such magical, mystical books in 1806.
i have a mental image of myself bouncing and flailing in a cardboard box. the box was a perfect cube, but it has become beaten with age...there are creases especially along the side walls, and all of the corners are crushed in an accordion fashion. the corrugated cardboard of which the box is made has become limper than it should be to make the box at all useful, and yet it still contains me. i still can't decide whether i'm still in the box because i'm not strong enough to break this flimsy cardboard, or if i'm still in the box because i don't want badly enough to break out, since i'm still fairly comfortable in the box despite my flailing and bouncing, and there is some light of unknown origin inside the box. maybe i just haven't gotten everything i can out of the box, and then when i do, i will have beaten the box so thoroughly that it will have no choice but to let me out.

one day, i will outgrow this box.

Saturday, July 26, 2003

some more work on the door room story, from when i was writing at the coffeeshop last night

jancie heard the harsh sound of a metal door slamming shut, and the door locking behind her. it sounded like a jail cell in the movies. she was alone in the room except for the locked door behind her, two other locked doors in front of her, and two rod-shaped fluorescent lightbulbs over her head.

a pair of keys dropped in front of her feet. jancie looked up to ascertain fron whence they came, but all she saw was the two fluorescent lightbulbs and the olive green plaster ceiling. she looked around to make sure there were no eyes peering at her from the walls, picked up the keys, and wondered which door she should try first.

she still had no idea why she was in this room, how she got there. the last thing she knew before she entered it, she had been writhing frantically on her too-small living room couch, trying to get comfortable. she was also in the middle of a heavy, solitary pondering session about where her life was headed. however unpleasant it was, however scary, she decided that she needed to finish this exercise. the desolate room with three doors and two keys was not helping her think at all. letting herself assume that this was the door from which she came into the room, she decided that her most logical choice would be to test the keys in the door behind her, the one that she had heard shut and lock only moments before.

jancie turned around and walked the three quick steps to the door. the linoleum floorm as ugly and olive green as everything else in the room, was freezing cold underfoot. she gripped the cold metal doorknob, jerked it around a bit, and pulled, testing the door in the small hope that it was unlocked, that she wouldn't need either of the mysterious keys. this effort was to no avail, and the door did not even budge.

looking down at her hands, jancie fumbled with the two keys she had picked up. they were both about the same size, but one of the keys had a rounded head, and the other had a square head. preferring rounder shapes in general, she picked up the round-headed key and slid it into the lock in the door. she attempted to turn the key, but the feeling was eerily similar to the one she got when she tested the doorknob. jancie jerked and jiggled the key, but never went more than a millimeter or two in either direction. frustrated, she pulled the key out of the door, planning to next test the square key.

she had hardly pulled the key out of the door when she saw the bulbous handle of the doorknob drop to the floor. it hit the linoleum with a definitive clack, and jancie instinctively bent over to pick up the doorknob. she looked down, bent over, and picked it up; the door was out of her field of vision for no longer than a second. when she looked up again, confused and frustrated with her presence in the room and her inability to get through the door and out, she beheld an expanse of olive green wall where the door had been only moments before.

"i wish you hadn't tried to do that."

jancie looked around, finding her incomprehensible situation even less comprehensible. she had no idea where she was, and besides, seh had just checked the room for company moments before and found none. she frantically looked for the source of this voice: a face, a speaker, a hole in the wall, anything.
the car will pass, and then i will pass. that car is such a beater, clunking along as it chugs past me down the dark street.

i'm reappearing from a day of disappearing. i didn't disappear completely, i just retreated for a few hours to a neighbourhood where no one knew me and no one would notice that i existed, watching people and writing nothing in particular.

Friday, July 25, 2003

jancie heard the harsh sound of a metal door slamming shut, and the door locking behind her. it sounded like a jail cell in the movies. she was alone in the room except for the locked door behind her, two other locked doors in front of her, and two rod-shaped fluorescent lightbulbs over her head. suddenly, two keys drop onto the floor in front of her.

she didn't pick them up immediately. (looks around, to find source.)

(hears voice telling her about doors)